Dating and the Woman as Detective!

[MikeMcMann]

I've been dating now for about 5 years since divorcing and must say I love it. I find the women options for me at this age are fantastic and I can date across a big age range.

However,

And there is always a however...

Anytime I start getting somewhat serious about a girl it becomes clear that she has used social media and other avenues to try and piece together every piece of my life and every interaction I've had with other females.

And I am not naïve and do not think they should not look but twice now, as things have got more serious, I am shocked by how much they have correlated and how deeply they have snooped.

And it causes problems as typically only having a portion of the picture raises more doubts in the gal than it answers. And as doubts pile up I have seen the gal start to lose 'trust'. But they have a problem as they do not want to admit who they know what they know (snooping) and therefore have to ask veiled and leading questions to try and figure it out. Questions i just won't answer even if the answer is benign because I want them to own up to their snooping. If you're trying to catch me being sneaky or deceitful (which I am not) then own up to your sneakiness and deceit.

it has caused real issues for me with the ladies withholding 'how they have come to the questions they have' but demanding I answer vague and leading questions. Basically I say F-You (more gently) as I just hate that game. And they then claim it is becoming a 'trust' issue.

So my question sherbro's is are you finding the same thing? Gals as super sleuths or are you a super sleuth doing that to the people you date? Do you like it? Accept it? do you answer vague and leading questions without first knowing where the question is coming from?

this issue may just see me only dating and moving on to the next one for a long time. I really do not have anything to hide in my life (pretty open book) but I do hate snoops and particularly hate leading, veiled questions.

 

[MikeMcMann]

And this may be an age thing and something the younger folks accept more readily as I mentioned some time ago that many of the younger staffers in our office have an App called something like "Where are you" and they are tracking their boyfriends every step 24/7. If he is on the way to office and he so much as pops into a place to take a piss he is getting a text asking why he diverted and where he was?

there seems to be this expectation amongst the younger folk that a partner not have or expect any privacy and that they be willing to be accountable for every step and minute.

i find that horrifying even if you are doing nothing wrong. but the idea of having to explain 'oh that was just the dry cleaners i popped in' because someone will be suspicious until they know the answer is just gross to me.

 

[mjmj]

I really do not have anything to hide in my life (pretty open book)

This doesn't jive with the rest of your post. There's apparently something in your past, easily found on the internet, that's causing them to ask these questions.

 

[minute bull]

I'm not going to say you sound old, you old ass motherfucker, but life is different from before social media. What would be considered snooping and creeping your facebook -- is really more like someone taking a tour of your life. Naturally people who are interested in you will want to see where you been and whom you've done -- and of course they're going to have questions should any, heh, gaps arise.

A nosy significant other has never been anything new. The trick, as ever, is occupying your time together wisely.

 

[Chesten_Hesten]

So my question sherbro's is are you finding the same thing?

I find Japanese girls to be the most open, honest and fun loving:

 

[SammyPops]

@John Wang cliffs?

 

[IIIIIIII]

I've been dating now for about 5 years since divorcing and must say I love it. I find the women options for me at this age are fantastic and I can date across a big age range.

However,

And there is always a however...

Anytime I start getting somewhat serious about a girl it becomes clear that she has used social media and other avenues to try and piece together every piece of my life and every interaction I've had with other females.

And I am not naïve and do not think they should not look but twice now, as things have got more serious, I am shocked by how much they have correlated and how deeply they have snooped.

And it causes problems as typically only having a portion of the picture raises more doubts in the gal than it answers. And as doubts pile up I have seen the gal start to lose 'trust'. But they have a problem as they do not want to admit who they know what they know (snooping) and therefore have to ask veiled and leading questions to try and figure it out. Questions i just won't answer even if the answer is benign because I want them to own up to their snooping. If you're trying to catch me being sneaky or deceitful (which I am not) then own up to your sneakiness and deceit.

it has caused real issues for me with the ladies withholding 'how they have come to the questions they have' but demanding I answer vague and leading questions. Basically I say F-You (more gently) as I just hate that game. And they then claim it is becoming a 'trust' issue.

So my question sherbro's is are you finding the same thing? Gals as super sleuths or are you a super sleuth doing that to the people you date? Do you like it? Accept it? do you answer vague and leading questions without first knowing where the question is coming from?

this issue may just see me only dating and moving on to the next one for a long time. I really do not have anything to hide in my life (pretty open book) but I do hate snoops and particularly hate leading, veiled questions.

consider trying what i do: i never ask a female i'm interested in about her past, and i ask that she not ask about mine. when you meet someone new, it should be a clean-slate, where the past is the past and it should remain there. bringing shit up that is irrelevant to the current situation does no good to anyone.

 

[freaky]

Don't have questionable pix online then. Not just girls but employers look at that too.

 

[Sanshou Kid]

Oh, the joys of not having any social media, or anything even remotely incriminating online with my actual name on it.

 

[MikeMcMann]

This doesn't jive with the rest of your post. There's apparently something in your past, easily found on the internet, that's causing them to ask these questions.

Ha you sound like a chick (joke. kind of..)

No that is not it. Incomplete information will always leave questions and just cause she has questions does not mean there are not good answers.

So a direct example of something that came up was that I somewhat regularly can have lunches or dinners with Female executives we do business with just as I do the male. Many of which I am connected to on LinkedIn or Facebook.

It became clear to me by the nature of the probing questions that not only had the gal gone through my facebook but she had followed links to my connections (particularly the females) and because this lady executive had posted a picture of the food at the restaurant we had lunch at saying something like 'great food at lunch at XYZ' and i had mentioned to my gal I was having a business lunch at that location but not gone into further detail, she was now snooping to try and figure out if I was there with her and who else was there.

So I am getting questions like

- oh so how was that lunch the other day (me - fine)
- how many of you went to that lunch (me - a few)
- oh it was work? guys and gals or just guys or girls (me - both. Why?)
- oh I am just curious. (she now shuts down because it is clear I am going to start asking questions)


now weeks later this lunch comes back up and she still does not want to disclose snooping thru my facebooks links to try and track me but I know her questions are coming from somewhere. She cannot have this type of specific issue without some specific knowledge and so I directly confront her on it saying why don't you just come out and tell me what you think you know without trying to beat around the bush because I can tell you have some issue but you are avoiding asking directly.

And she spills the beans on how, and I tell her the situation.

it is and was no big deal but her snooping made her gain a doubt solely based on her not having an answer to a question she not even know to ask. I've had a very similar situation a year prior with a girlfriend (not just a girl I was dating) who had snooped my emails and social media and other stuff and never let me know she had so many questions and things bothering her as she could nto answer them until we finally had a big fight and the laundry list came out. WHAT ABOUT THIS? WHAT ABOUT THAT? All of which were things she could only get partial info on and were eating her up. I broke up with her over that even though there were good answers to all.

 

[MikeMcMann]

I'm not going to say you sound old, you old ass motherfucker, but life is different from before social media. What would be considered snooping and creeping your facebook -- is really more like someone taking a tour of your life. Naturally people who are interested in you will want to see where you been and whom you've done -- and of course they're going to have questions should any, heh, gaps arise.

A nosy significant other has never been anything new. The trick, as ever, is occupying your time together wisely.

haha, ya I'm old for this forum at 49 for sure.

And I do not mind the look. It is the snooping and trying to connect everything, every movement, every lunch and dinner and assuming you deserve an answer simply because you think you should have info on every 'gap' in a person's life.

it is this expecting accounting for every minute that is not clear on social media and therefore suspicious that bothers me.

 

[MikeMcMann]

consider trying what i do: i never ask a female i'm interested in about her past, and i ask that she not ask about mine. when you meet someone new, it should be a clean-slate, where the past is the past and it should remain there. bringing shit up that is irrelevant to the current situation does no good to anyone.

Do you find that stops the snooping into the past and the desire to fill in every 'gap'?

I just can't see many not still doing it as many seem to think that is an obligation.

 

[MikeMcMann]

Don't have questionable pix online then. Not just girls but employers look at that too.

I don't.

but a 'friend' I had a lunch or dinner with might and when the gal finds that the questions start to fly.

 

[John Wang]

@John Wang cliffs?

Basically..

-OP afraid his gfs will find out he wasn't very dominant in his past
-OP not even dominant currently
-OP prob lying about having a gf

 

[IIIIIIII]

Do you find that stops the snooping into the past and the desire to fill in every 'gap'?

I just can't see many not still doing it as many seem to think that is an obligation.

for me it has. to be honest, the chicks i've been involved with find it refreshing. once they know that you won't be wondering about the things they've done (which is probably better to not even wonder about lol), they seem to relax and realize that it's fair for both people.

 

[minute bull]

it is this expecting accounting for every minute that is not clear on social media and therefore suspicious that bothers me.

This is a good opportunity to practice building anticipation. Every perceived issue grants you insight. One thing this tells you is you're living in a world where information is expected to be right at your fingertips, but you should also be aware that people are guided by curiosity and intrigue. The act of discovery can be painful, but not if you know how to work with it. Rather than lament, you should see how use these keys to flirt, tease, and foreplay. It's all in the mind.

 

[SammyPops]

Basically..

-OP afraid his gfs will find out he wasn't very dominant in his past
-OP not even dominant currently
-OP prob lying about having a gf

Mostest dominant clifss evar. thanks bruz.

 

[MoparOrNoCar]

I always say to lay all the ground rules down in the very beginning so there's no questions later on.

I've dealt with the detective shit and it's a relationship killer when the one you love is trying to peer through your past and has your current life under surveillance to try and find a reason to justify their insecurities.

 

[chrisdiaz]

Looking at this from another perspective, Just dont share every personal detail online and theres not too much to worry about. If i see a girl posts pics everyday and tags friends always on social media etc...thats when you bail immediately. Not every girls a narcissistic bitch but the red flags are there. Also, whats the fun of dating someone if you already know everything they've done the last 5 years? sounds pretty boring to me and some shit you just DONT want to know.

Edit: or be a boss and go delete anything incriminating from your facebook. Lots of sloots do this after a relationship so they can be ho's again.

 

[mjmj]

Ha you sound like a chick (joke. kind of..)

No that is not it. Incomplete information will always leave questions and just cause she has questions does not mean there are not good answers.

So a direct example of something that came up was that I somewhat regularly can have lunches or dinners with Female executives we do business with just as I do the male. Many of which I am connected to on LinkedIn or Facebook.

It became clear to me by the nature of the probing questions that not only had the gal gone through my facebook but she had followed links to my connections (particularly the females) and because this lady executive had posted a picture of the food at the restaurant we had lunch at saying something like 'great food at lunch at XYZ' and i had mentioned to my gal I was having a business lunch at that location but not gone into further detail, she was now snooping to try and figure out if I was there with her and who else was there.

So I am getting questions like

- oh so how was that lunch the other day (me - fine)
- how many of you went to that lunch (me - a few)
- oh it was work? guys and gals or just guys or girls (me - both. Why?)
- oh I am just curious. (she now shuts down because it is clear I am going to start asking questions)


now weeks later this lunch comes back up and she still does not want to disclose snooping thru my facebooks links to try and track me but I know her questions are coming from somewhere. She cannot have this type of specific issue without some specific knowledge and so I directly confront her on it saying why don't you just come out and tell me what you think you know without trying to beat around the bush because I can tell you have some issue but you are avoiding asking directly.

And she spills the beans on how, and I tell her the situation.

it is and was no big deal but her snooping made her gain a doubt solely based on her not having an answer to a question she not even know to ask. I've had a very similar situation a year prior with a girlfriend (not just a girl I was dating) who had snooped my emails and social media and other stuff and never let me know she had so many questions and things bothering her as she could nto answer them until we finally had a big fight and the laundry list came out. WHAT ABOUT THIS? WHAT ABOUT THAT? All of which were things she could only get partial info on and were eating her up. I broke up with her over that even though there were good answers to all.

Okay, makes more sense now.
But that's female behavior 101. Women like to test you to see if you're into them or not. You're 49, surely this isn't news to you?

And are you meeting them online?