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That's about the right amount of "comedy" anyone could hope to expect from you. Bleh.
Funniest jokes you know/heard (joke brahs gtfih)
- Thread starter freaky
- Start date
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- Dec 5, 2009
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- 16,515
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What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools? A fruit stand.
What do you call a basement full of Conservatives? A whine cellar
What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.
What do you call a basement full of Conservatives? A whine cellar
What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.
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- Jul 4, 2013
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- 17,045
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- 5
What's the worst thing in the world to hear when you're getting a handjob from Willie Nelson?
"I'm not really Willie Nelson."
"I'm not really Willie Nelson."
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- Aug 16, 2014
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- 2,010
Every Norm Macdonald joke is GOAT
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One day a man decided he wanted to visit a whorehouse to get some action. He had heard of a place called "Mrs. Fletcher's Whorehouse". He somehow attained the address and directions for getting there.
He goes to the place and it appears to be a pretty simple, unassuming and quite small house. He thinks to himself that this is probably how the place stays under the radar.
He rings the doorbell and he hears a voice telling him to enter. He opens the front door, enters the place and he sees a really old lady sitting in a rocking chair knitting. The man says "Oh, excuse me, I must have the wrong place." The old lady responds "Are you looking for Mrs. Fletcher's Whorehouse?" The man answers "Yes, yes I am.". The old lady tells him that he has the right place. She tells the man that she is Mrs. Fletcher and she is the Madam of the Whorehouse.
She has a container of some sort sitting on top of a table next to her chair. She tells him "It's $200 for all the action you want. Take all of your clothes off, place your $200 in this container and walk through this door behind me." So he places $200 in the container, gets completely undressed and walks through the door behind Mrs. Fletcher.
When he walked through the door the door slammed shut behind him and was locked. He noticed that he was standing outside butt ass naked in the backyard of the house. He starts bamming on the door demanding the old lady to let him back in. The old lady Peeks through a curtain in the window next to the back door. The guy is cursing and yelling and kicking at her door demanding that she let him back in. The old lady smiled widely and pointed to a sign behind him in the backyard. The sign said "You've Just Been FUCKED Mrs. Fletcher."
He goes to the place and it appears to be a pretty simple, unassuming and quite small house. He thinks to himself that this is probably how the place stays under the radar.
He rings the doorbell and he hears a voice telling him to enter. He opens the front door, enters the place and he sees a really old lady sitting in a rocking chair knitting. The man says "Oh, excuse me, I must have the wrong place." The old lady responds "Are you looking for Mrs. Fletcher's Whorehouse?" The man answers "Yes, yes I am.". The old lady tells him that he has the right place. She tells the man that she is Mrs. Fletcher and she is the Madam of the Whorehouse.
She has a container of some sort sitting on top of a table next to her chair. She tells him "It's $200 for all the action you want. Take all of your clothes off, place your $200 in this container and walk through this door behind me." So he places $200 in the container, gets completely undressed and walks through the door behind Mrs. Fletcher.
When he walked through the door the door slammed shut behind him and was locked. He noticed that he was standing outside butt ass naked in the backyard of the house. He starts bamming on the door demanding the old lady to let him back in. The old lady Peeks through a curtain in the window next to the back door. The guy is cursing and yelling and kicking at her door demanding that she let him back in. The old lady smiled widely and pointed to a sign behind him in the backyard. The sign said "You've Just Been FUCKED Mrs. Fletcher."
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Q: Why does T-Boz from TLC refuse to get a facial?
A: She don't want no Scrubs.
A: She don't want no Scrubs.
D
Deleted member 220895
Guest
Bob Einstein and Norm MacDonald have the best jokes.
Here's one of Bob's.
Here's one of Bob's.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and no balls?
What do you call a fish with no eye?
No idea (No eye deer)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and no balls?
Still no fucking idea
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fshhhhhhhh
D
Deleted member 220895
Guest
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
to hold their pants up, silly[/ spoiler]
Last edited by a moderator:
D
Deleted member 220895
Guest
There's a whole different reason for left eye.
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My favourite thing about Christmas is hearing two chequered board game fanatics bragging in a large lobby. You just can't beat the sound of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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What happens when you cook a baby in a microwave?
I don’t know either..... I close my eyes when I masturbate
I don’t know either..... I close my eyes when I masturbate
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- Sep 30, 2015
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What do people in West Virginia do on Halloween?
Pump kin
Pump kin
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Told this joke to open my best man's speech at my brother's wedding:
I got the same response and loved it.
Also:
Oh, and everybody knows you don't fuck with Uncle Terry when he's been drinking.
I got the same response and loved it.
Also:
Oh, and everybody knows you don't fuck with Uncle Terry when he's been drinking.
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- Nov 19, 2011
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On June 2015, the police were called to one of the poorest neighborhoods in the city because a vehicle in the middle of the road with one man sitting in the driving seat was shot 238 times with various firearms from multiple angles.
Eye witnesses said the driver was yelling racial slurs at everybody on the block.
Police detectives informed the victim's family of the circumstances of his death, and they were in shock. "He wasn't racist! He was looking for our lost dog!"
At first, police detectives disreguarded the statement that the victim wasn't a racist. But they thought for a moment, and asked "Wait a second, what is the dog's name?"
Apparently, before shots were fired in the poor neighborhood, the soon-to-be-victim was driving at a low speed, with his window down, calling out -
Eye witnesses said the driver was yelling racial slurs at everybody on the block.
Police detectives informed the victim's family of the circumstances of his death, and they were in shock. "He wasn't racist! He was looking for our lost dog!"
At first, police detectives disreguarded the statement that the victim wasn't a racist. But they thought for a moment, and asked "Wait a second, what is the dog's name?"
Apparently, before shots were fired in the poor neighborhood, the soon-to-be-victim was driving at a low speed, with his window down, calling out -
"SNICKERS!
SNICKERS!
COME ON BOY!
WHERE ARE YOU?!?
SNICKERS!
I KNOW YOU'RE HERE!
SNICKERS!!!
COME ON BOY!!!
SNICKERS!!!
SNICKERS!
COME ON BOY!
WHERE ARE YOU?!?
SNICKERS!
I KNOW YOU'RE HERE!
SNICKERS!!!
COME ON BOY!!!
SNICKERS!!!
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A man was driving home from work one evening and got into a really, really bad accident in which his and the other person's car was totaled. He gets out of his car as did the other person who is a woman. He asks her if she is okay to which she said yes. She asked him if he was okay and he too said that he was.
They noticed that they were both driving the same model car and the same year but with a different color. Her car was red and his car was blue. They also noticed that they were wearing the same shirt and buttons expressing their political and religious views. They even had a couple of the same tattoos.
They looked into each others' eyes for a while and the woman says, "You know I think it was fate that caused this accident. Neither one of us got hurt and we seem to have so much in common." The guy says "Yeah, I think you're right". So they started talking and sharing with each other their individual likes and dislikes and sure enough it looked like they may meant to be soul mates.
He asked her if she drinks brandy at all and she said "Are you kidding? I love brandy. The taste seems to really agree with me." He said "Great, I have a bottle in the car that we can share to help calm our nerves." He offers her the first sip. As she's drinking the brandy she is going on and on and on about her life story, her likes and dislikes, past boyfriends, her career, everything. All the while taking sips here and there from the bottle of brandy.
This went on for about 10 to 15 minutes before she realized she drank almost the entire bottle to herself. She said "Oh, where are my manners? I'm so sorry. Here I am going on and on and here I drank almost the entire bottle to myself. Here, there's at least three or four sips left. Please forgive me."
When she handed him the bottle he put the top on it and gave the bottle back to her. She asked "Well aren't you going to drink it?" And he said "No, I'm going to wait until the cops finally show up."
They noticed that they were both driving the same model car and the same year but with a different color. Her car was red and his car was blue. They also noticed that they were wearing the same shirt and buttons expressing their political and religious views. They even had a couple of the same tattoos.
They looked into each others' eyes for a while and the woman says, "You know I think it was fate that caused this accident. Neither one of us got hurt and we seem to have so much in common." The guy says "Yeah, I think you're right". So they started talking and sharing with each other their individual likes and dislikes and sure enough it looked like they may meant to be soul mates.
He asked her if she drinks brandy at all and she said "Are you kidding? I love brandy. The taste seems to really agree with me." He said "Great, I have a bottle in the car that we can share to help calm our nerves." He offers her the first sip. As she's drinking the brandy she is going on and on and on about her life story, her likes and dislikes, past boyfriends, her career, everything. All the while taking sips here and there from the bottle of brandy.
This went on for about 10 to 15 minutes before she realized she drank almost the entire bottle to herself. She said "Oh, where are my manners? I'm so sorry. Here I am going on and on and here I drank almost the entire bottle to myself. Here, there's at least three or four sips left. Please forgive me."
When she handed him the bottle he put the top on it and gave the bottle back to her. She asked "Well aren't you going to drink it?" And he said "No, I'm going to wait until the cops finally show up."
