Funniest jokes you know/heard (joke brahs gtfih)

2 friends live in the same apartment building. Their apartments are identical. One friend goes over to the other's. He sees that his friend painted his apartment.

"Wow I really like this, I think I'll do the same. How many cans of paint did you buy?" He asks.

"7" his friend responds.

The next day the guy goes to the store, buys 7 cans of paint and paints his apartment. When he's done he realizes he only used 3 cans. He calls his friend up.

"Hey man, I just painted my apartment but I only used 3 cans."

His buddy responds,
"Yeah me too."

I dont get it... :(
 
^^^^One friend was a real dick for not clarifying that although he bought 7 cans he only used 3. He let his buddy waste his money on 4 extra cans.
 
Superman is flying around the city, and he looks down on a rooftop and he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing with her legs open. Just lying there on a deckchair, naked with her legs open ...

Superman looks down and he's like "oh damn!!, that's hot!! ... hmmm ... I'm superman, so if I wanted to, I could fly down at the speed of light, bang her and then fly away very quickly before she would know what happened!! ... hmm, I really shouldn't do this .... eeehh f**k it!!"

So, Superman flies down at the speed of light, does his business and flies away ...

Wonder Woman says "WHAT THE F**K was that!?!?"

The invisible man says, I don't know, but my ass hurts"
 
Superman is flying around the city, and he looks down on a rooftop and he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing with her legs open. Just lying there on a deckchair, naked with her legs open ...

Superman looks down and he's like "oh damn!!, that's hot!! ... hmmm ... I'm superman, so if I wanted to, I could fly down at the speed of light, bang her and then fly away very quickly before she would know what happened!! ... hmm, I really shouldn't do this .... eeehh f**k it!!"

So, Superman flies down at the speed of light, does his business and flies away ...

Wonder Woman says "WHAT THE F**K was that!?!?"

The invisible man says, I don't know, but my ass hurts"

My wife and I are sitting here cracking the hell up right now. Good job dude.
 
Which makes worse drivers? Drunks or women?

Drunk drivers?

Oh yeah for sure. Because when drunk drivers get drunk

... they let women drive their cars
 
How do you circumcise a hick?

Kick his cousin in the jaw.
 
What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved.
 
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?


Tiger Woods has a better driver.
 
what do you call 4 mexicans drowning in quicksand?


quatro cinco
 
What do you call a Jamaican who eats nothing but linguini, lasagne, macaroni and spaghetti noodles?

A Pastafarian.
 
Why did princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt
 
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

They both can close enough to smell it but they can't eat it.

Z0ceuYc.jpg
 
One day during Biblical times the people of Nazareth had dragged a woman from her home into town square to be stoned for prostitution. The people had her surrounded and were shouting "Stone her, stone her, stone her"

Jesus appeared from amongst the crowd and said "People, we must be more forgiving. Let he or she who has never sinned cast the first stone." Upon hearing that a woman in the crowd picked up a huge stone and threw it at the prostitute knocking her unconscious. Jesus looked at that woman and said "You know mother, sometimes you seriously piss me off."
 
A gay and lesbian couple had a bet on who could win in a cross country race...sure enough the lesbians win because they left lickity split while the gay dudes just kept packing their shit.
 
Q. How do you get a snow man to pull his pants down?
A. Tell him the snow blower is coming?

Q. Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A. He got his gas bill.

Q. What is a tornados favorite game?
A. Twister
That second joke isn't funny...my great-grandfather died in a concentration camp-he fell off his guard tower.
 
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and
captured by an enemy Indian war
party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you
are the great Lone Ranger. In honour...
of the Harvest Festival, you will be
executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to
speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops
away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a
beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the
blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief
admits he's impressed. "You have very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill
you in two days. What is your second
request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to
his horse. Silver is brought to him, and
he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the
plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's
surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a brunette, even more attractive
than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night. The following
morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed. "You are indeed a man of
many talents, but I still kill you
tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to
speak to my horse....ALONE. "
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and
Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's
tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger
grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says:
"Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for
the fuckin last time.......... . BRING
POSSE!!!!"
 
A pirate walks into a bar and he's got a really big ships steering wheel coming outta his pants. The bartender asks "What's with the steering wheel?

Pirate responds "Arrrrggghhh, it's driving me nuts."
 
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