Bro youre really not fucking listening or paying attention at all because despite your moping, your ego is so damn huge that you have this shit figured out. Like, that's the sinister part of what's going on with you: you say all of the "right things" but deep down you really think you're smarter than everyone and no one is intelligent enough to grasp you by your neck and tell you what's up.
This "it's on me" shit only works when it IS on you. What I am telling you right now, is that you have to, i mean you have to, shut the fuck up for 5 seconds and drop your ego long enough to surrender yourself to people who can actually help you.
"I've seen tons of therapists and..." and fucking what dude? What? These trained professionals don't know how to deal with you? You are so special and unique and one of a kind that these people who have dealt with dozens, possibly hundreds of people just like you have no clue what to do?
There are people who know how to help you. You are
lucky enough to have access to the proper channels to truly honestly get a fresh start, but you are too lazy to just follow through because have no doubt, it's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, and your ego is too big to admit that you have re-program, despite you, for years now, saying you have to reprogram.
You know the answers and solutions, and those are way harder than whining about how hard you have it. I know this is going to piss you right off and the pain you're feeling is 100% real, i don't doubt it, but you need to wake up for a second and consider that there are thousands of people out there who don't have the access to the proper channels like you do and think about what a prick you would be to not take advantage of those.
The people you see who are truly at rock bottom, i mean levels below how you feel, are the egocentric ones who kept saying "I got this, no one understands me, no one wants to help anyway, have to do this on my own i guess, but i'm too weak" with all of that circular logic that feels really good to indulge in.
Listen here, bro, if you really "Didn't want to live" you wouldn't be living right now. Period. You can repeat things that sound all dramatic and cool all you want, but a part of you, a bigger part than you are willing to admit, obviously wants to be alive, so lets use that as your groundwork.
At this point we know:
@That209 wants to be alive
He doesn't want to continue destructive habits while being alive
He knows he needs help
He is "not strong enough to help himself"
Hmmm, sounds like to stay alive, he needs the proper help. But most of all, he needs to be willing to actually receive said help, which means that he should listen to his own inner dialogue, the one that says "I have no clue what the fuck i'm doing" and go to people who can give him the proper blocks to build that up.
I'm not doing that fake "Tough love" stuff either, i'm being honest with you and being as objective as possible here. It sucks to see a friend hurt, online, offline, whatever, i consider you a friend and your feelings matter, but i'm also not going to let you get away with constantly whining about not knowing what to do then spitting at the feet of the people that do. You're a boat in the ocean and you can second guess that lighthouse all you want, but there's only one way to shore; not gonna sit here and listen to complain about being wet if you're not gonna steer the boat, sailor.
<3