I done goofed (Relationship related... yes EMO)

[BEER]

You made your bed and now it's out of your hands.

She loves you, I'm sure of it. You two were engaged. Some people will tell you that if she loves you, she'll give you another chance, but that's bullshit. She wanted to find solutions to the problems in the relationship and you gave up on it. I wouldn't fault her for not wanting to go through that again.

Ball is in her court. Once you have some closure, the process will get a little easier. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Deleted member 391673]

It's been almost three months since I called off my engagement, and I regret it more and more each day. While I am not going to bore you all with the details of what happened, my (ex) girlfriend and I were going through a difficult time - we went to India together and basically fought none stop, and when we got back, I gave up. She had proposed going to relationship counciling, but in that moment, I thought we were just two different people (we loved each other, but we didn't see eye to eye on alot of issues).

In a twisted way, I rationalized it at the time that she deserved somebody who could be the man she wanted - I was obsessed with work and lived a life of routine, she prioritized balance and being adventerous.

Fast forward to now, and I am going stir crazy without her. A couple of weeks back, I caved and asked for a second chance, and she told me she needed "time and space" to make a decision - I don't think that bodes well. Truthfully, I am trying to accept the fact I can't change the situation, and just work on the things I know I struggle with in relationships.

Tonight was actually really difficult - I was out with friends, and there were a number of single woman in the group, and I honestly couldn't even fathom the thought of being with anyone else (or worse yet, think of her with another guy).

This fucking sucks. I'm 33 years old, and I'm acting like a teenager. I would give up almost anything for a second chance, but I know there isn't anything I can do to affect the situation.

I don't know why I'm sharing this, but I suppose the anonymity of the Internet makes it easier to get this off of my chest.

you posted about you wanting to call it off, right?

and at that time, i believe there were wise-men of sherdog that said to reconsider and think it over, and that the engagement-to-wedding timeline is one of the more difficult and strenuous on the relationship.


have you watched the recent south park season with Cartman and his gf Heidi? he hates her when he's with her but cries when he ends up alone, and its basically a never-ending loop. so who is to say that if you guys got back together, you won't want to leave again.


think about what issues you had and why you were arguing all the time.
consider going to counseling if she still wants to.
get a subscription to PSYCHOLOGY TODAY and start reading articles on how we think and relationships.
ask yourself why you chose to call it off rather than stick through the hard time.

 

[Lovestorm]

"Need time and space" pretty much confirms that another male is depositing his seed in her every orifice. Time for you to move on as well.

 

[bufetadanacara]

It's been almost three months since I called off my engagement, and I regret it more and more each day. While I am not going to bore you all with the details of what happened, my (ex) girlfriend and I were going through a difficult time - we went to India together and basically fought none stop, and when we got back, I gave up. She had proposed going to relationship counciling, but in that moment, I thought we were just two different people (we loved each other, but we didn't see eye to eye on alot of issues).

In a twisted way, I rationalized it at the time that she deserved somebody who could be the man she wanted - I was obsessed with work and lived a life of routine, she prioritized balance and being adventerous.

Fast forward to now, and I am going stir crazy without her. A couple of weeks back, I caved and asked for a second chance, and she told me she needed "time and space" to make a decision - I don't think that bodes well. Truthfully, I am trying to accept the fact I can't change the situation, and just work on the things I know I struggle with in relationships.

Tonight was actually really difficult - I was out with friends, and there were a number of single woman in the group, and I honestly couldn't even fathom the thought of being with anyone else (or worse yet, think of her with another guy).

This fucking sucks. I'm 33 years old, and I'm acting like a teenager. I would give up almost anything for a second chance, but I know there isn't anything I can do to affect the situation.

I don't know why I'm sharing this, but I suppose the anonymity of the Internet makes it easier to get this off of my chest.

Grow a pair and continue on with your original instinct.

You went on a trip with her, before you were married, and you fought all the time?

This is the perfect test, you guys failed, move on. It sure won't get better after getting married.

 

[Jimmy Jazz]

You're right. Some people are broken.

I dont think that is true all the time. That seems a bit harsh.

 

[Newave]

“I need time and space”. Makes me think of that scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshal when he was talking about his ex and said “she’s probably miserable right now” and the scene cuts to her having porn star sex with Russell Brand.

 

[Only Here for Attachments]

There are other fish in the sea. [/cliche]

But it's true. Best thing to do is focus on yourself for a while and then hit the water again. Soon enough you'll find a nice girl with a great butt and will forget all about this.

 

[Deleted member 391673]

Grow a pair and continue on with your original instinct.

You went on a trip with her, before you were married, and you fought all the time?

This is the perfect test, you guys failed, move on. It sure won't get better after getting married.

to be fair, they went to the stinkiest most polluted place on earth.

 

[Phlog]

As a species we haven't been doing Monogamy all that long. Men and women are wired to want to fuck more than one person. Just for basic survival purposes.


It's possible to rise above our primal instincts, but a lot of people aren't good at it. Although it's a difficult topic for me to be neutral and fair about, I don't think a lot of people have a choice. The I Love You The Mostest chemicals that make us want to try monogamy last for like 2 to 3 years tops.


That's what Rick is getting at there. He's a miserable misogynist but he's also being honest there. Once those chemicals slowly fade that's it for the vast majority of relationships. You have a.few years to quickly put down roots with someone. To find something that bonds you beyond sex and hormones. Most people cannot do it, and I'm not sure it's their.fault. Monogamy was always held together by strong societal pressure and the threat of being exiled from the community


Well now we live in a culture where that pressure (and support) is largely gone. At the same time people aren't limited to just the dating pool in their village or city or whatever. And there's no worry about poisoning the well by being a shitty partner and having word spread through the local community, because our communities are much looser (in more ways than one hayo!) than they once were.

Polygamy requires even more commitment and capability than monogamy.

On people not being able to form successful longterm relationships, I blame a lack of role models. Probably brought on by the sexual liberation and feminism allowing for single mothers to live without shame.

 

[Phlog]

I dont think that is true all the time. That seems a bit harsh.

Not all the time, but I would say if you cannot maintain long term relationships as long as you want it's because of a problem.

 

[Jimmy Jazz]

Not all the time, but I would say if you cannot maintain long term relationships as long as you want it's because of a problem.

well alot of people are quitters. Its hard to go through life and find someone who isnt a quitter just because of a little fighting.

 

[Liquid Smoke]

She'll call you when you don't want her anymore. That's the rub.

 

[bubbleboyjones]

Probably brought on by the sexual liberation and feminism allowing for single mothers to live without shame.

This and the simple fact that historically a mother would need a man just to live(food/money/protection..etc). Modern society has safety nets everywhere making it possible for single mothers to survive quite easily.

 

[Loiosh]

I caved and asked for a second chance

Did you feel like you had a mistake and so needed a "second chance"?

Sounded like you felt you guys were incompatible and ended it on those grounds.

I would have said I missed her and wanted to try again because she was worth it.

I'm not one to play games but you handed her all the power. I would have offered her the opportunity to make it work.

 

[bufetadanacara]

to be fair, they went to the stinkiest most polluted place on earth.

True. I wouldn't go there on a free ticket.

 

[bubbleboyjones]

Fast forward to now, and I am going stir crazy without her. A couple of weeks back, I caved and asked for a second chance, and she told me she needed "time and space" to make a decision - I don't think that bodes well. Truthfully, I am trying to accept the fact I can't change the situation, and just work on the things I know I struggle with in relationships.

This is all normal human psychology when time passes and your initial anger at her passes and you then start missing that person and second guessing decisions. This is no different than when you get into an argument with someone and you hate their guts for that first hour but by next morning everything is fine(obviously this is a larger scale version but the steps are the same).

Tonight was actually really difficult - I was out with friends, and there were a number of single woman in the group, and I honestly couldn't even fathom the thought of being with anyone else (or worse yet, think of her with another guy).

This changes fast in no time when you find another girl that you like better and I guarantee you your ex isn't the only female on the planet that will check these boxes off for you.

 

[Based and White Pilled]

Did you marry a sloot?

No. As someone who doesn't take long to get over shit (usually instantaneous), I detest the idea that there is a minimum acceptable amount of time to spend wallowing after a breakup.

I've been accused of being things like detached, insensitive, etc. I prefer to think of it as reasonable.

 

[Brampton_Boy]

How long were you engaged for?

More than a year? meaning you only got engaged because she wanted too?

And now that she is gone you finally realized "Oh fuck"

Thats my theorycraft of this entire thing

90% of the time, our relationship was great and I genuinely thought that we were meant to be together. However, when things were bad - they were REALLY bad (and I take responsibility for a lot of that). The last couple of weeks in our relationship brought out the worst in me, especially when we were traveling. When I gave up, it wasn't because I didn't love her - I just didn't think we were right for each other, and I didn't see a clear path forward.

In retrospect, I just don't know how to manage when we hit a rough patch. I have difficulty working through conflict, and would rather run than man up and face my problems. The only silver lining to all of this is that I am taking this time to work on being a better person - I am even going to a counselor to actually address the problems I have (and I hate asking people for help or being vulnerable)

Strangely, I think I knew I wanted to be with her within the first couple of dates - even when we were just hanging out as friends, we were talking about how we both wanted to adopt children in addition to being biological parents (which is a big deal for me).

While the situation sucks, I suppose it is better now than later (after marriage, kids etc)

 

[Mike]

You made your bed and now it's out of your hands.

She loves you, I'm sure of it. You two were engaged. Some people will tell you that if she loves you, she'll give you another chance, but that's bullshit. She wanted to find solutions to the problems in the relationship and you gave up on it. I wouldn't fault her for not wanting to go through that again.

Ball is in her court. Once you have some closure, the process will get a little easier. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Eh an engagement doesn't mean someone is in love with you. I don't know if she was or wasn't, but people marry people they don't love, much less just an engagement. I would know.

 

[Mike]

This is all normal human psychology when time passes and your initial anger at her passes and you then start missing that person and second guessing decisions. This is no different than when you get into an argument with someone and you hate their guts for that first hour but by next morning everything is fine(obviously this is a larger scale version but the steps are the same).



This changes fast in no time when you find another girl that you like better and I guarantee you your ex isn't the only female on the planet that will check these boxes off for you.

This is the big thing. When you're stuck in a oneitis mindset you won't even notice other girls that could be a good match. This has been a big problem for me. Sitting around pining over some girl that doesn't give two fucks
and has already moved on.

Meanwhile if I wasn't sitting around throwing myself a pity party every day and looking like a jackass, I might have found a different girl sooner. Hell I guarantee there's some other girl out there that's more compatible in every way.

An unspoken problem with guys in this mindset, imo, is they don't often make deep emotional connections with a woman. So when they do they build it into this super important once in a lifetime bond.


Well people with a bond like that don't just break up. Just because you connect with someone doesn't mean they're right for you. The girl I dated before my wife, we had great emotional and sexual chemistry and I thought that just HAD to mean something.


Then with my ex wife, I've never experienced chemistry like that with a girl before or since. Cheesy shit like we finished each other's sentences, stayed up all night talking about our future. She used to write me these ultra lovey dovey notes all the time. And when we couldn't live together right away and could barely spend time together because of our jobs, we both felt like we were dying having to be apart.


Welp, turns out in the long run none of that made us right for each other either. Somewhere out there, there's a girl I'd connect with on an even deeper level. And we could STILL be wrong for each other in the long term. Because there is no such thing as a soulmate.

Just people you connect with more or less.