My gf and I can't stop fighting

[Jayzer193]

You're right, from a rational standpoint.

The only thing is, she's been steadily making improvements the whole relationship. The fighting has been getting better, actually better than it ever has the past few months on both of our ends, it's so obvious we've both been working at it it's been a central point in our every day conversations to compliment each other on how hard we've been trying.

We've both worked so hard and gone through probably the biggest period of self improvement either of us ever has. It sucks so bad that we might just have to accept that we were net positives in each others lives and shared something amazing but ultimately had to part ways.

Everyone is always talking about "soulmates", but look up the term "twin flames". It might apply to you two. It's an even bigger deal than the soulmate description, but the similarities between you two can cause peaks and valleys on a huge scale.

 

[adifighter86]

Both of you need to check in a rehab, no offense but you two should be ashame of yourselves.

Both of you are adults and everybody knows drugs can messed up your mind,

Taking drugs will ruin your life.

 

[Phlog]

Sounds like you know what is happening and what you have to do.

Usually a person getting mad at incidental things all the time is down to them feeling trapped. They push away the other person eventually enough to destroy the relationship.

 

[Vergilius]

She just left my house again after a big fight (we don't live together even though it's always been something we wanted just because we were too unstable). It didn't get nearly as crazy as in the past, but wasn't good either. She's actually been WAY better lately. It's such a long story, substance abuse, mental illness, addiction, codependency, past trauma and projection, etc etc.

For a little background, I'm 39, she's 10 years younger. We are both recovering addicts, me booze, her heroin. We didn't meet through rehab or anything related to our addictions so it's not one of THOSE relationships fortunately. We've both talked about a future together many times, have admitted to looking at each other as potential life-long partners, which is something we both want and believe in. We've been together for just about 2 years.

I'm for the first time during those 2 years starting to feel we shouldn't be together any more, there's something about me that triggers her and she flips out and can't control her temper no matter how calm and rational I stay. I know, "she's a woman" but this goes beyond the norm, I've had my share of serious relationships and was even married for 7 years at one point.

I've really tried as hard as I can to figure this out, lots of reading, talking to people I feel have more wisdom and experience than myself, staying patient and trying to control my own emotions. I've never in my life felt anything close to the connection we have. I feel like it's the kind of thing people see in the movies and think is bullshit. But I believe it's true. I believe what we have is something most people go their entire lives hoping for but never find.

It's one of those things where there's been so much invested and it's so obvious to everyone around us how much we love each other and how extremely rare our connection is and the level of comfort we have with each other but we just can't seem to figure out how to talk through disagreements or differences in opinion sometimes and it really really sucks. Sometimes she seems like the most compassionate, empathetic, caring person I've ever met and other times she's gets out of control angry and completely unreasonable, to the point where literally anything I say she finds a way to twist around in a way that she can be angry about. Neither of us want to have to end things but it's really starting to seem like we just can't make it work.

She's a fucking amazing girl but has some serious issues that she's still working through. Some of the worst shit you can imagine, just the fact she's still here and fighting for a better life after what she's been through gets all the respect I can give. It's been really hard but I always believed in the potential, I know where her heart is at and we've both been through so much together I'd feel awful leaving at this point. Part of me is afraid she might self destruct and go back to her old ways as well.

Just rambling really. I know some of you will actually have some great insight and advice because there are a lot of genuinely good people in here. The rest of you can fuck off, I'm not in the mood.

TLDR; My gf and I have been together for almost 2 years, got off to a really rough start, love each other dearly and don't want to break up but have a lot of resentments from the past, there's a lot of damage done and we can't stop fighting.

Oh, PS I'm drunk

Well, if you have a great relationship and truly love each other and the only problem is that neither of you is willing to back down from a fight and thus they spiral out of control when you argue, then I don't think you should just give up. Your answer may well be couple's therapy - a good councillor can give you tools to deal with fights that you'd never develop on your own. Many guys won't do that and let their stupid pride ruin good relationships instead - but a real man does what it takes for the woman he loves.

My wife and I have been together 12 years now. We still have really bad fights, but we've both gotten better at getting over those fights and reconciling quickly once the anger burns out. She's quick to anger and I'm a prideful, stubborn SoB - but most days our relationship is loving and supportive.

 

[Doomer]

As I read your post, it's obvious you are attached to each other, but I never considered that to be love. Strong attachment that gives you feeling of love, but that's not love. I think both of you are not mature enough for deeper real feelings and real relationship and have to cleanse the shit you have in yourself and that's what most of us have to work on. Until we cleanse our hearth, cleanse our emotions, we are not ready for relationship and are not capable of love, just emotional attachment. You are not ready and also not her. So the best is to break up and you can stay "friends", be in contact from time to time.

 

[moreorless87]

that's very insightful

Yes, part of the reason we have such a strong connection is because we understand each other so well. I suffer from mental illness and addiction myself.

You're also right about overreactions; there are so many resentments at this point that the smallest thing is looked at as a relationship ender.

I really really wish we could just start over but that's just not the way it works.

I do tend to think that the idea anger needs to be "let out" is often questionable. Yes in certain instances it does but a lot of the time I think learning control is important, when it comes to bitty little issues like some mannerism someone has grating with you just being able to supress that flash of anger helps massively IMHO. That's easier said that done of course and I don't want to walk in the shoes of someone who's potentially dealing with more mental health issues than I have.

Honestly my feeling without really knowing the specifics would be that unless things are going horribly wrong to the degree one or both of your health(physical or mental) is at risk then stick with it. Maybe sentimental but I think cold "long term planning" is highly overrated, if the connection is that close then keep it for as long as you can even if it might not last. You do say things have improved which seems like a good sign even if again it might make relapses worse.

 

[Shaved Rabbit]

LOL at dating a heroin addict.

TS

 

[moreorless87]

As I read your post, it's obvious you are attached to each other, but I never considered that to be love. Strong attachment that gives you feeling of love, but that's not love. I think both of you are not mature enough for deeper real feelings and real relationship and have to cleanse the shit you have in yourself and that's what most of us have to work on. Until we cleanse our hearth, cleanse our emotions, we are not ready for relationship and are not capable of love, just emotional attachment. You are not ready and also not her. So the best is to break up and you can stay "friends", be in contact from time to time.

Not really sure what you'd mean by that, I mean people can have a strong sexual desire without being "in love" but a "strong attachment" in terms of mutual empathy is what I would consider the foundation of it and something that any "working towards" should be maximising. Seems like less a case of a lack of deep feelings to me and more a case of learning to act on those feelings well that may or may not be possible in this case with both peoples baggage.

 

[DragRacer]

Or could be a crazy fucking bitch with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Usually a person getting mad at incidental things all the time is down to them feeling trapped. They push away the other person eventually enough to destroy the relationship.

 

[GergreG]

holy shit i needed that lmao

EDIT: but she's been clean for 9 months now, longest since she started like 10 years ago so no matter how our stories end I helped her get away from that shit.

Lost friends to it in the past. Can't stand it any more.

Is it possible that she still gets the urge to use occasionally and blames you sub consciously for it?

 

[bandicoot]

Is it possible that she still gets the urge to use occasionally and blames you sub consciously for it?

Can't really blame her for being mad when she's been clean for 9 months and he's drunk making this thread.

It's probably your fucking fault, TS.

 

[Phlog]

Or could be a crazy fucking bitch with Borderline Personality Disorder.

So trapped within ones own choices?

Regardless, that's an even better reason to split. My sister had that and was an absolute bloody nightmare. Fighting, screaming, drinking bleach, sleeping in hedges etc etc.

 

[Phlog]

As I read your post, it's obvious you are attached to each other, but I never considered that to be love. Strong attachment that gives you feeling of love, but that's not love. I think both of you are not mature enough for deeper real feelings and real relationship and have to cleanse the shit you have in yourself and that's what most of us have to work on. Until we cleanse our hearth, cleanse our emotions, we are not ready for relationship and are not capable of love, just emotional attachment. You are not ready and also not her. So the best is to break up and you can stay "friends", be in contact from time to time.

 

[SammyPops]

Isn't it a bad idea for 2 recovered addicts to be together? Or is that just meeting in a program?

Recovering smack addict ..... I bet she has some stories.

 

[Jack Reacheround]

@45ACP - I have some experience with codependent women. What you said about their inability to control their temper and act like a rational adult is absolutely something I have seen. What happens is the argument triggers a codependent episode, and no matter how rational you are, it just spirals out of control. At that point, there is no point in arguing. It doesn’t matter how right you are. You’re supposed to just walk up, hug them, and assure them how much you love them, blah blah blah. I can’t do that shit though. It just runs contrary to my nature being that everyone in my family but me is a fucking lawyer. If there is a point to argue, I have to make sure to argue it. But if you can help it, just stop arguing your case right then and there. Do whatever you can to assure them you love them, and calm them down. Then later, everything you said usually sinks in and they want to talk about it.

 

[minute bull]

I think these are my only options, you're absolutely right.

I'm just afraid of investing the time/money and having it not work out, especially since we're not married and don't have any kids involved. It sounds absolutely crazy but there's part of me that feel s it might be worth the investment.

It's really hard to decide how much fight I have left in me or if I should just tap out.

You have many options, but try instead to look at it like this: not option, opportunity. You're already investing money and more importantly time and heart. There must be a reason you feel like counseling isn't worth it, search that, then address that. Maybe the solution isn't as tough as you may initially fear. Point is don't reject counseling because you're not sure of it, reject it when you have a better solution.

Crazy people need love too and ain't nothing wrong with being attracted that. It just comes at higher cost. What happens when people know they are difficult, they process your tolerance as acceptance. The greater the outburst the more the need for hat acceptance. Women tend to test that a lot, pushing to see how far they can go, but to them it makes them feel safer to know they can act out and still be loved. This is what Jack Soda is getting at, just hug them. Remember, nothing is ever truly resolved. We learn to live with knives in our hearts.

The real key to this is watching your reactions with aforethought. People have triggers, so really you want to author situations that set you both up to win. Avoid harmful situations, like backsliding or murdering homeless, and actively pursue good times. It takes a lot of work to keep relationships from stagnating, even the slayers and the 1% of us. But it's a lot of fun and very rewarding too.

 

[DanMMAleague]

To be fair sounds like you are dating down.

Alcohol can be bad but Heroin is the worst.

 

[minute bull]

But did you see the pics bro? I mean sure she's off the horse now and probably fat and taking shits all the time but Robocop was no looker to begin with and a cyborg gotta get it where he can since he was thrown off the job.

 

[Renard]

Heroin causes brain damage. If she used for 10 years, that's a very long time. So you also have to keep in mind that there's probably a physiological element to this. And it's possible that a prescription of some kind could help, she'd have to consult a psychiatrist or a neurologist, see if they can figure out something.

 

[Chazz Reinhold]

I say get married immediately and have a kid. That usually fixes everything.