My gf and I can't stop fighting

How is she automatically a codependent just because she's with someone that has addiction issues? That's not an absolute.

I’m pretty sure he said she was a codependent in the OP. And the fact that she was an addict makes me not so sure that it’s true anyway. I’m just guessing though.
 
A fight takes two people. End that shit quick before it begins.
 
She just left my house again after a big fight (we don't live together even though it's always been something we wanted just because we were too unstable). It didn't get nearly as crazy as in the past, but wasn't good either. She's actually been WAY better lately. It's such a long story, substance abuse, mental illness, addiction, codependency, past trauma and projection, etc etc.

For a little background, I'm 39, she's 10 years younger. We are both recovering addicts, me booze, her heroin. We didn't meet through rehab or anything related to our addictions so it's not one of THOSE relationships fortunately. We've both talked about a future together many times, have admitted to looking at each other as potential life-long partners, which is something we both want and believe in. We've been together for just about 2 years.

I'm for the first time during those 2 years starting to feel we shouldn't be together any more, there's something about me that triggers her and she flips out and can't control her temper no matter how calm and rational I stay. I know, "she's a woman" but this goes beyond the norm, I've had my share of serious relationships and was even married for 7 years at one point.

I've really tried as hard as I can to figure this out, lots of reading, talking to people I feel have more wisdom and experience than myself, staying patient and trying to control my own emotions. I've never in my life felt anything close to the connection we have. I feel like it's the kind of thing people see in the movies and think is bullshit. But I believe it's true. I believe what we have is something most people go their entire lives hoping for but never find.

It's one of those things where there's been so much invested and it's so obvious to everyone around us how much we love each other and how extremely rare our connection is and the level of comfort we have with each other but we just can't seem to figure out how to talk through disagreements or differences in opinion sometimes and it really really sucks. Sometimes she seems like the most compassionate, empathetic, caring person I've ever met and other times she's gets out of control angry and completely unreasonable, to the point where literally anything I say she finds a way to twist around in a way that she can be angry about. Neither of us want to have to end things but it's really starting to seem like we just can't make it work.

She's a fucking amazing girl but has some serious issues that she's still working through. Some of the worst shit you can imagine, just the fact she's still here and fighting for a better life after what she's been through gets all the respect I can give. It's been really hard but I always believed in the potential, I know where her heart is at and we've both been through so much together I'd feel awful leaving at this point. Part of me is afraid she might self destruct and go back to her old ways as well.

Just rambling really. I know some of you will actually have some great insight and advice because there are a lot of genuinely good people in here. The rest of you can fuck off, I'm not in the mood.

TLDR; My gf and I have been together for almost 2 years, got off to a really rough start, love each other dearly and don't want to break up but have a lot of resentments from the past, there's a lot of damage done and we can't stop fighting.

Oh, PS I'm drunk
So she's trying to live clean while you're getting drunk?
 
I wasn't really, but you guys in here do kick ass for the most part. I guess I was just looking for somewhere to vent.

I like crazy girls, I'm kinda crazy myself. But this is a kind of crazy I have never experienced. The absolute most amazing person and closest I have ever met to the girl of my dreams, capable of bringing out the absolute best but also the worst in me.

A million reasons to leave but a million reasons to stay kind of thing. Trust me, if you could cut out the bullshit and only have the benefits she'd be almost any man's dream girl. I know that's not how it works but I'll tell you this. I have been with some amazing girls, a few who never caused me any trouble at all but this one was worth the trouble up to this point.



Have you tried counseling? If you feel that strongly its worth the effort of finding external outlets that may provide you the necessary tools to fix the issues. Being right in the middle of it sometimes doesnt allow you to see a different path. Church can also be another helpful tool.

Hope it works out
 
I feel you bro im in the same boat been hanging on for 8 years now we also had a really rough start with a lot of drugs n shit she was doing speed when we met me also a little bit was getting out of hand ans she has mental heath issues too she has been in forced closed mental healt care for 1 and 2 month periods since weve been together cant really write clean now as im drunk again just telling I really think I know how you feel its hard man
 
So she's trying to live clean while you're getting drunk?

Limited info but this part really sticks out to me.

What are the chances an admitted active alcoholic is able to give an even close to objective assessment of what is actually happening? Interesting how everyone wants to ignore that little detail , circle the wagons and absolve the complaintent here of any blame , literally the exact same thing we give women shit for when they do it.

" ummmmhmmm , he don't deserve you girl "

How about some real advice instead of a verbal blow job?

Stopping drinking if you have a problem should be the first order of business ,TS. Clear your head ......keep it clear , and reassess from there.
 
Nah, that’s typical for codependents. Like I said, they seek out addicts. They want to fix them, but are only happy when the addict is addicted. If he stops drinking, she just might leave him for someone else who is an alcoholic. Of course, she might leave him if he doesn’t stop drinking. Codependents are all fucked up.


I think it's similar to Munchausen syndrome by proxy
 
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She just left my house again after a big fight (we don't live together even though it's always been something we wanted just because we were too unstable). It didn't get nearly as crazy as in the past, but wasn't good either. She's actually been WAY better lately. It's such a long story, substance abuse, mental illness, addiction, codependency, past trauma and projection, etc etc.

For a little background, I'm 39, she's 10 years younger. We are both recovering addicts, me booze, her heroin. We didn't meet through rehab or anything related to our addictions so it's not one of THOSE relationships fortunately. We've both talked about a future together many times, have admitted to looking at each other as potential life-long partners, which is something we both want and believe in. We've been together for just about 2 years.

I'm for the first time during those 2 years starting to feel we shouldn't be together any more, there's something about me that triggers her and she flips out and can't control her temper no matter how calm and rational I stay. I know, "she's a woman" but this goes beyond the norm, I've had my share of serious relationships and was even married for 7 years at one point.

I've really tried as hard as I can to figure this out, lots of reading, talking to people I feel have more wisdom and experience than myself, staying patient and trying to control my own emotions. I've never in my life felt anything close to the connection we have. I feel like it's the kind of thing people see in the movies and think is bullshit. But I believe it's true. I believe what we have is something most people go their entire lives hoping for but never find.

It's one of those things where there's been so much invested and it's so obvious to everyone around us how much we love each other and how extremely rare our connection is and the level of comfort we have with each other but we just can't seem to figure out how to talk through disagreements or differences in opinion sometimes and it really really sucks. Sometimes she seems like the most compassionate, empathetic, caring person I've ever met and other times she's gets out of control angry and completely unreasonable, to the point where literally anything I say she finds a way to twist around in a way that she can be angry about. Neither of us want to have to end things but it's really starting to seem like we just can't make it work.

She's a fucking amazing girl but has some serious issues that she's still working through. Some of the worst shit you can imagine, just the fact she's still here and fighting for a better life after what she's been through gets all the respect I can give. It's been really hard but I always believed in the potential, I know where her heart is at and we've both been through so much together I'd feel awful leaving at this point. Part of me is afraid she might self destruct and go back to her old ways as well.

Just rambling really. I know some of you will actually have some great insight and advice because there are a lot of genuinely good people in here. The rest of you can fuck off, I'm not in the mood.

TLDR; My gf and I have been together for almost 2 years, got off to a really rough start, love each other dearly and don't want to break up but have a lot of resentments from the past, there's a lot of damage done and we can't stop fighting.

Oh, PS I'm drunk

Fin
 
Cut the drama and see this for what it is. A chick with a prior heroin problem that raises all kinds of hell for you. Two ex addicts really shouldn’t be together, especially when they are this dramatic.

You know what love is? It certainly isn’t fighting all the time, especially over trivial shit. You have an emotional connection, but you two are not in love together. In the first few years, you really shouldn’t fight at all...this is a sign of a toxic and personality mismatch that should be fatal to the relationship, if you’ll be a man and do what is right for both of you and pull the plug.
 
have a baby fpr sure. itll save the relationship.




thats sarcasm.
 
Well, it looks like my gf and I have finally stopped fighting. After a few days of silence and then a very matter-of-fact and devoid-of-emotion (her side) conversation, she dropped off my belongings, while picking up hers. I am also left with her dog (he prefers my company).

It's been going on three years; started off textbook in-love: love notes on car windows, random surprises.

Didn't fight at first, didn't argue.

In about six months issues began to creep up, along with lies, blame, anger and resentment. We tried working on communication, couples counseling, etc.
Fast forward to few weeks ago--co-existence riddled with tense exchanges, followed by hours or days filled with warmth and empathy. She has a very kind and warm heart, but is too busy for my liking. I just became too needy and too angry and miserable.

Tons of good memories, along with some bad ones. If not for her kids and her accelerated school program, I think we could have made it.

Just me and the pup now. I have no game and little self empathy, not sure what the strategy should be at this point, although I have an experienced wingman and tonight we are venturing to local bars. No expectation, aside from not sitting at home and sulking.
 
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My drinking has been mostly under control since we started dating. It really hasn't had anything to do with these fights. We've actually never had an argument about my drinking, as it honestly hasn't been an issue as far as our relationship is concerned. I got drunk the night I started this thread after she left the house and haven't had enough to get drunk since.

TBH I can't even remember the last time we got in a fight when I had already been drinking. She drinks occasionally too, it's not like someone else said, where's she's trying to be completely sober and I'm drinking all the time.

Just wanted to clarify that.

She actually just stopped at my work and surprised me for lunch today.
 
My drinking has been mostly under control since we started dating. It really hasn't had anything to do with these fights. We've actually never had an argument about my drinking, as it honestly hasn't been an issue as far as our relationship is concerned. I got drunk the night I started this thread after she left the house and haven't had enough to get drunk since.

TBH I can't even remember the last time we got in a fight when I had already been drinking. She drinks occasionally too, it's not like someone else said, where's she's trying to be completely sober and I'm drinking all the time.

Just wanted to clarify that.

She actually just stopped at my work and surprised me for lunch today.


New Psychological research says couples that have been together for long term fight over little things because they care for one another.

Idk if that is true.
 
Sometimes things don't work out right
So we just have to say goodbye

Sometimes it's not that you and she are incompatible, but maybe there's too many outside influences causing static. Maybe take a break and work on things in your life that are harming you, physically, mentally, spiritually.
 
My drinking has been mostly under control since we started dating. It really hasn't had anything to do with these fights. We've actually never had an argument about my drinking, as it honestly hasn't been an issue as far as our relationship is concerned. I got drunk the night I started this thread after she left the house and haven't had enough to get drunk since.

TBH I can't even remember the last time we got in a fight when I had already been drinking. She drinks occasionally too, it's not like someone else said, where's she's trying to be completely sober and I'm drinking all the time.

Just wanted to clarify that.

She actually just stopped at my work and surprised me for lunch today.

You need to ditch the boonies and move to the city.

You'll be swimming in hipster poon down in Fishtown.

P.S. I got drunk and ended up hitting that shady stripclub Signatures last weekend and it wasn't that bad.
 
She'll probably mellow in her early 30's. Only a few more years of torture.

If you finish with her then she'll meet someone else and he'll get her best years. You'll bump into them at a gas station with their 2.1 children, big SUV on the way to their Summer house on a lake. She'll lol about the time she was in a bad place with you.

I dunno man
 
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