People who lack social skills in BJJ

I'm a pretty social guy outside the gym but when I'm in a class and sweating and focusing on my jiu jitsu I find it difficult to talk. I'm breathing hard, and thinking about the techniques and shit so when people try to talk to me I choke up on my words a lot. But as a young person I definitely think we as a generation get a lot more social interaction than OP's generation does.
 
It's so clear now. But if you dig up the original thread on it, most commenting on it sincerely agreed with him.

Of course that was a different time with a lot of illusions going around that have since been shattered. That article was written right around the peak of BJJ scam artist internet marketing douchebag cult movement. It reflects its time.

I think BJJ has started to find its way back to a conscience, slowly, since then. I hope that continues.

You talk like this was a bygone era, wasn't it ~ 24 months ago?
 
I'd put myself squarely in the introvert category as well, but I think I've become even more so since I started BJJ, although I think that's more due to external life changes - different line of work, marriage, etc. I worked in tech sales for years and found that persuading people all day was mentally exhausting, but I had a much better attitude about being in situations where I didn't know anyone than I do now. The thought of making small talk that's not about...

a. Grappling/MMA
b. Game of Thrones

...makes me cringe.

I have definitely noticed that BJJ seems to attract a large contingent of socially-awkward people, but I'll take a little genuine weirdness over fake polish any day.

This is close to my experience. I've actually become more introverted since I started grappling and powerlifting. Also similarly, I think it's because I'm less tolerant of fake small talk than I used to be, and I'm more confident in myself, not always having to make friends or please others. I still like to do so, but I'm not pushing it all the time, etc.
 
When I come to class I'll speak a little and I'll smile but for the most part I'm pretty serious about BJJ, outside of class I will definitely engage in a conversation and we can go out and grab a slice of pizza if you like. :)
 
what if you dont like the majority of people you train with though? lol
 
If you don't like anyone you train with...chances are you are the guy no one likes.
 
...when I'm in a class and sweating and focusing on my jiu jitsu I find it difficult to talk
I know how you feel all too well. Imagine training in the heat and humidity of Rio, in a room full of killers with nobody taking it easy on you, AND you barely speak the language. Talk about sink or swim! Still to this day, sometimes after a tough roll I literally cannot form Portuguese words with my mind or my mouth. I think it's funny though, I just laugh about it

But as a young person I definitely think we as a generation get a lot more social interaction than OP's generation does.
How old are you? I'm not exactly ancient, I'm 34.
 
I know how you feel all too well. Imagine training in the heat and humidity of Rio, in a room full of killers with nobody taking it easy on you, AND you barely speak the language. Talk about sink or swim! Still to this day, sometimes after a tough roll I literally cannot form Portuguese words with my mind or my mouth. I think it's funny though, I just laugh about it


How old are you? I'm not exactly ancient, I'm 34.

34 is plenty far from 20
 
Well, I feel like what Kron Gracie said on the podcast rings true. "I'll roll with you to decide how I feel about you".

I think that's a very interesting observation. Body language and the psychology of a person really springs forth when you are playing a competitive game. In our culture we put all our emphasis on the language. On communicating verbally. But it really just accounts for 1/4 of our entire repository of communicating.
I think it's a sign of social unintelligent behavior to feel the need to talk or mingle because you're a afraid of uncomfortable silence. In fact, it's a great indicator to yourself, to figure out what sort of people you really trust if you can just sit there and be comfortable without feeling a need to small talk.
 
I wouldn't say I have an outgoing personality, but I'm more extroverted at BJJ before and after class because the discussion usually focuses on BJJ/grappling. A BJJ discussion just isn't going to happen with a work colleague, neighbor, etc. My wife's an option, but she usually just looks at strangely and asks if I really use any of the moves I talk about.
 
You talk like this was a bygone era, wasn't it ~ 24 months ago?

The article was published about 3 years ago if I remember correctly.

A lot has changed in that time. It reads completely differently with the context of the events that occurred afterwards.

BJJ eras tend to flip over quite quickly. I mean think of 3 years in your own gym. A lot of guys have probably come and gone in that time. 3 years is longer than the average BJJ career of the average guy in a gym.

Think about how much even the high level scene changes in that time. In 2011, Keenan was unknown. The major purple belt medals for him start in 2012. Today in 2014, he's considered a favorite to win Worlds at black belt in his division. To go from unknown to best American competitor in 3 years is pretty dramatic, but here we are.
 
I don't chit chat during rolling or drilling. I don't like guys who do. Training time is for training.

But there is usually time before class, after class, in the parking lot, whatever, to at least talk a little with your training partners. It is a very good idea to take advantage of it to do so.

BJJ is an individual sport because you compete individually. But it's a team sport for training, which is most of the time. You simply cannot train by yourself. You need your training partners. They are your lifeblood.

It is very worthwhile to be aware of your training partners and treat them as people rather than realistic drilling dummies. After training, I will look around and see if anyone seems off or bummed out. If so, I'll go up to him and just say "Hey, what's up man? You okay?"

Most of the times, the answer is nothing. Maybe he had a hard day at work, maybe he's feeling a little sick, etc. Sometimes the answer is "I am thinking about killing myself." I got that answer once. I'm glad I asked. So was he. I think I was the only one who cared enough to ask.

Another example would be a training partner who is sitting out for a while with a serious injury. If he comes to the gym, you could just be totally selfish and ignore him. After all, he can't train, and you come to train, right? But if you do that, he will probably stop coming after a while. Then he'll restructure his life without the gym. When he heals, he won't come back. You've now lost a training partner.

A much better alternative is to take a little time to engage him as a person and make him feel welcome. Yes, that is going to take something a little different than a BJJ technique. You will have to use a social technique instead. But in return, your training partner will likely come back to help you with BJJ later on. Chances are he'll be an even better partner than he was before the injury.

It's important to realize that BJJ is not all about you. This is a very social art by definition. You can't just do kata all day or hit the bag to improve. You need others to make progress. If you completely refuse to socialize with others, you will hurt your own progress accordingly.
 
I think it's a sign of social unintelligent behavior to feel the need to talk or mingle because you're a afraid of uncomfortable silence. In fact, it's a great indicator to yourself, to figure out what sort of people you really trust if you can just sit there and be comfortable without feeling a need to small talk.
Eckhart Tolle has some great lectures talking about being comfortable in silence. Being silent does indeed freak some people out. I'm reminded of a great quote
 
It's important to realize that BJJ is not all about you. This is a very social art by definition ... If you completely refuse to socialize with others, you will hurt your own progress accordingly.
Bingo! I've seen it happen many times.

People have come here to Rio, in some cases extremely promising grapplers, and their lack of social skills hurt their progress because doors which would otherwise have opened for them remained firmly shut.

Personality and the ability to communicate were the keys, but they didn't know how to use them.

Great post Balto, thanks for the input. And amazing story about connecting with the guy with the dark thoughts, that must have been pretty freaky.
 
I don't chit chat during rolling or drilling. I don't like guys who do. Training time is for training.

But there is usually time before class, after class, in the parking lot, whatever, to at least talk a little with your training partners. It is a very good idea to take advantage of it to do so.

BJJ is an individual sport because you compete individually. But it's a team sport for training, which is most of the time. You simply cannot train by yourself. You need your training partners. They are your lifeblood.

It is very worthwhile to be aware of your training partners and treat them as people rather than realistic drilling dummies. After training, I will look around and see if anyone seems off or bummed out. If so, I'll go up to him and just say "Hey, what's up man? You okay?"

Most of the times, the answer is nothing. Maybe he had a hard day at work, maybe he's feeling a little sick, etc. Sometimes the answer is "I am thinking about killing myself." I got that answer once. I'm glad I asked. So was he. I think I was the only one who cared enough to ask.

Another example would be a training partner who is sitting out for a while with a serious injury. If he comes to the gym, you could just be totally selfish and ignore him. After all, he can't train, and you come to train, right? But if you do that, he will probably stop coming after a while. Then he'll restructure his life without the gym. When he heals, he won't come back. You've now lost a training partner.

A much better alternative is to take a little time to engage him as a person and make him feel welcome. Yes, that is going to take something a little different than a BJJ technique. You will have to use a social technique instead. But in return, your training partner will likely come back to help you with BJJ later on. Chances are he'll be an even better partner than he was before the injury.

It's important to realize that BJJ is not all about you. This is a very social art by definition. You can't just do kata all day or hit the bag to improve. You need others to make progress. If you completely refuse to socialize with others, you will hurt your own progress accordingly.

Great post. Should be an article! More people should read this and understand this.
 
Thought I'd contribute to this thread. I have been doing BJJ for about eight months (previously Muay Thai for 3 years) and I have ASD or Asperger's as it was called when I was diagnosed, I can talk to people in the gym as long as it's regarding bjj or some aspect of bjj but I seriously struggle with freeform conversation.

I've noticed that a lot of people during drilling technique after a few repetitions will slow down and chat whereas myself and my partner are silently slamming out reps with perhaps a few thirty second discussions on a refinement of technique.

I know that I'm not especially popular at the gym and being quite may have held back my progress because other white belts are 'taken under the wing' of more experienced blue belts that try to help them improve but there's nothing that can be done about that and I have the advantage of being able to recall every detail of a demonstrated drill or technique so I suppose it evens out.

A month ago it was raised that I could be nicer in rolling in that I would put by shin in the throat from top crucifix or dip my forehead under the jaw whilst rolling but those are completely acceptable in Muay Thai clinching and nobody mentioned it in the seven months I'd been rolling so I thought nothing of it.


That's some bullshit, keep on putting your shin on the throat and dipping your forehead under the jaw.

Slack-jawed nancy boys in your class. And the bit about blue belts taking white belts "under the wing" sounds a lot like the Greek traditions back in the day.
 
Now picture the stony-faced gringo sat in a corner psyching himself up for training.

This quote from the article is hilarious, and helped me see the message the OP was getting at. A lot of people come into the gym trying to look hard as, but you get to know them they're nervous as any noob is.
 
Most of the guys I train with have decent social skills. There are a few weirdos now and again.
 
Back
Top