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Every group has their share of lunatics within the fringes of their collective. There's always that one guy who has "Slayer" literally carved into his arm. But he's the exception, not the rule. The overwhelming majority of Slayer fans are not about to take a knife to themselves and lovingly carve out chunks of their own flesh while headbanging to Dead Skin Mask. This rant is not about those individuals. However, there are certain bands whose fanbase seems to be populated with an unusually large number of knuckleheads who seem to be incapable of accepting the fact that not everyone likes their favorite band as much as they do. In fact, they take it as a personal affront if you don't either like their favorite band or at least acknowledge their musical significance. They will then attempt to make a "rational" argument to prove that you are completely wrong and misguided in your entirely subjective view. A phenomenon that I fail to understand. For example, I happen to love bands as disparate as Living Colour and Borgeous. I couldn't care less if you think EDM or Vernon Reid sucks. Don't like it? Cool. Live and let live and different strokes and all that. But some people just can't leave it alone and a shitstorm of hyperbolic vitriol ensues. So here's a list of the most delusional fan bases that I've encountered:
Frank Zappa fans.
Yes, Frank was a rock'n'roll original. Yes, he is criminally unheralded. But I've had Zappa fans tell me in all earnestness that not only is Frank the greatest musician of the 20th Century, he is one of the all time greats. That he is, in fact, equal to or greater than musical titans such as Mozart, Beethoven and Liszt. Are you fucking kidding me?!!?!! Too bad Frank's dead cause he'd be the first to slap your dumbass upside the head.
Phish heads.
Everyone of these tools that I've encountered has been from an upper-middle class family from New England who seems to be genuinely pissed that they didn't get to experience the hippy free-love and drug era of the late 60s. And no, jackass, using a vacuum cleaner as an instrument is not indicative of musical genius. I have in fact witnessed a Phish concert. Wanna know why there's so much drug use at Phish concert? Cause the band's performance is so fucking bland and uninteresting that you need something to keep yourself from dying of boredom. (Or you could just do what I did, and leave...). And no, Trey Anastasio is not greatest thing since sliced bread. He's great, no doubt. But just cause he's got more musical ability and talent in his left pinky than all of KISS put together doesn't mean that I have to like him.
Dead heads.
They smell worse than Jerry's rotten corpse and I find the band that they worship to be more coma-inducing than sodium thiopental. You love em. Great. I think they should be used to torture terror suspects in Gitmo. Can't we all just get along? Except, keep your distance, cause you smell like death warmed over...
Rush/Dream Theater fans.
Some of these fine people seem to think that people who don't like these bands simply are not smart or educated enough to appreciate complex, intricate music. I really don't care for Dream Theater or a large part of the Rush catalog. So, apparently I'm not smart or have insufficient knowledge of music enough to "get it". Well, I actually happen to know the CAGED system, the Circle of Fifths, and have pretty good grasp of modal theory. I'm not a musical genius by any stretch of the imagination but I know enough to know that what these bands do ain't all that impressive (oooo, odd time signatures... as if counting to seven instead of four is all that fucking hard). What these mental simpletons fail to realize is that correlation does not imply causation. Basic rules of logic there, boyos. You know, just because I support gay marriage, it doesn't mean that I'm gay. However, if you happen to like the unabashed f@99otry that is "Time Stands Still", well then you definitely love the cock. That is logically irrefutable.
Iron Maiden fans.
I love Maiden. Fucking love them. But I am embarrassed by some of my fellow Maiden freaks. Get a grip. They're great, but they don't walk on water.
Randy Rhoads fans.
Again, I love Randy but I find it amusing that there are some that are absolutely certain about things that can never, ever, be known. "Randy would've re-invented rock". Too bad we'll never know cause HE'S DEAD! My favorite is when they assert that Randy was the first to introduce classical elements into rock, as if Blackmore, Page, Pete Green, Krieger, Steve Howe, Schenker, and Uli Roth to name a few never existed. Even Ozzy didn't do enough drugs to believe that one.
Metallica fans.
Make a casual remark that you think x guitar player is better than Kirk and they act like you just shat in their corn flakes. And don't even think about mentioning Mustaine. That'll send them into epileptic fits.
KISS fans.
They think that The Elder is the greatest concept record of all time. Nuff said.
Feel free to add or tell me I'm crazy...
TL/DR:
Some fans are annoying shitbags who try too hard to make everyone else as miserable as they are.
Frank Zappa fans.
Yes, Frank was a rock'n'roll original. Yes, he is criminally unheralded. But I've had Zappa fans tell me in all earnestness that not only is Frank the greatest musician of the 20th Century, he is one of the all time greats. That he is, in fact, equal to or greater than musical titans such as Mozart, Beethoven and Liszt. Are you fucking kidding me?!!?!! Too bad Frank's dead cause he'd be the first to slap your dumbass upside the head.
Phish heads.
Everyone of these tools that I've encountered has been from an upper-middle class family from New England who seems to be genuinely pissed that they didn't get to experience the hippy free-love and drug era of the late 60s. And no, jackass, using a vacuum cleaner as an instrument is not indicative of musical genius. I have in fact witnessed a Phish concert. Wanna know why there's so much drug use at Phish concert? Cause the band's performance is so fucking bland and uninteresting that you need something to keep yourself from dying of boredom. (Or you could just do what I did, and leave...). And no, Trey Anastasio is not greatest thing since sliced bread. He's great, no doubt. But just cause he's got more musical ability and talent in his left pinky than all of KISS put together doesn't mean that I have to like him.
Dead heads.
They smell worse than Jerry's rotten corpse and I find the band that they worship to be more coma-inducing than sodium thiopental. You love em. Great. I think they should be used to torture terror suspects in Gitmo. Can't we all just get along? Except, keep your distance, cause you smell like death warmed over...
Rush/Dream Theater fans.
Some of these fine people seem to think that people who don't like these bands simply are not smart or educated enough to appreciate complex, intricate music. I really don't care for Dream Theater or a large part of the Rush catalog. So, apparently I'm not smart or have insufficient knowledge of music enough to "get it". Well, I actually happen to know the CAGED system, the Circle of Fifths, and have pretty good grasp of modal theory. I'm not a musical genius by any stretch of the imagination but I know enough to know that what these bands do ain't all that impressive (oooo, odd time signatures... as if counting to seven instead of four is all that fucking hard). What these mental simpletons fail to realize is that correlation does not imply causation. Basic rules of logic there, boyos. You know, just because I support gay marriage, it doesn't mean that I'm gay. However, if you happen to like the unabashed f@99otry that is "Time Stands Still", well then you definitely love the cock. That is logically irrefutable.
Iron Maiden fans.
I love Maiden. Fucking love them. But I am embarrassed by some of my fellow Maiden freaks. Get a grip. They're great, but they don't walk on water.
Randy Rhoads fans.
Again, I love Randy but I find it amusing that there are some that are absolutely certain about things that can never, ever, be known. "Randy would've re-invented rock". Too bad we'll never know cause HE'S DEAD! My favorite is when they assert that Randy was the first to introduce classical elements into rock, as if Blackmore, Page, Pete Green, Krieger, Steve Howe, Schenker, and Uli Roth to name a few never existed. Even Ozzy didn't do enough drugs to believe that one.
Metallica fans.
Make a casual remark that you think x guitar player is better than Kirk and they act like you just shat in their corn flakes. And don't even think about mentioning Mustaine. That'll send them into epileptic fits.
KISS fans.
They think that The Elder is the greatest concept record of all time. Nuff said.
Feel free to add or tell me I'm crazy...
TL/DR:
Some fans are annoying shitbags who try too hard to make everyone else as miserable as they are.
