Nice attempt. A piece of the real version:
Though the Pew Hispanic Center and the Center for Migration Studies have offered estimates for the number of people in the US illegally, their estimates rely on the Census Bureau's assumption that approximately 90% of illegal aliens respond to their census surveys. This approach defies common sense. I can't know the motivation for this approach, but based on my experience with humans, a likely answer is: laziness and excessive frugality. Why spend the time/money/energy to get a more accurate result when no one seems to care except for
a couple of Bear Stearns analysts, the author of an single eight-year-old
Wall Street Journal analysis, and
Ann Coulter?
There is no good evidence that unauthorized immigrants reduce the rate of crime in the United States, and the opposite seems to be the case.
Over 14% of federal prisoners are illegal aliens, yet according to the Pew/CMS estimates, illegal aliens are only about 4% of the population. The actual situation is worse than the prison data suggest, because prosecutors often drop charges against illegal alien criminals if ICE offers to remove them.
The median illegal immigrant pays significantly less in taxes than the median citizen and is poorer than the median citizen. Poor illegal aliens use a huge variety of government services (schooling, health care, food stamps, WIC, TANF, public housing, law enforcement, public defenders). FAIR has
estimated the total annual fiscal burden of illegal aliens at about $116 billion. That figure is net of taxes.