A moral dillema

[Morning Star]

If you're going to tell you do it immediately. If you don't you're just looking to rid yourself of the guilt and it's just another selfish act IMO.

 

[RichardPriors]

What you do fellas, and this works...at least I believe it does...you talk about this before you're married. Would you want to know? Is this something that could be worked through? What are the parameters of our relationship, maybe this isn't even an issue or it's an instant killswitch. You figure that out and you know exactly what to do if it ever happens. You choose not to do it, that says something about your moral fiber.

But most couples won't bring this up in early courtship cause it's more fun to pretend that your love is stronger and more meaningful than that of all those other couples that couldn't hold it together and surely this will never happen to you.

 

[ralphc1]

There was a couple that were friends of my parents. They were smokers and the wife was a heavy smoker. She would light one cigarette with another and I even saw her with two lit at the same time. There eldest son was a year older than me. My parents went to their 25th anniversary party when I was 24 and I realized that their son was born about 4 months after they were married so she was pregnant when they were married. The wife developed emphysema and died at the age of 61. At the funeral, he confided to my parents that the day before she died, she told him that he wasn't the father of their son. She was pregnant when they first had sex. Why keep that a secret for almost 40 years then dump it on your husband as you're dying when you could have taken it to your grave? Her husband lived for another 20 years with that.

 

[Dogshare]

There was a couple that were friends of my parents. They were smokers and the wife was a heavy smoker. She would light one cigarette with another and I even saw her with two lit at the same time. There eldest son was a year older than me. My parents went to their 25th anniversary party when I was 24 and I realized that their son was born about 4 months after they were married so she was pregnant when they were married. The wife developed emphysema and died at the age of 61. At the funeral, he confided to my parents that the day before she died, she told him that he wasn't the father of their son. She was pregnant when they first had sex. Why keep that a secret for almost 40 years then dump it on your husband as you're dying when you could have taken it to your grave? Her husband lived for another 20 years with that.

Because people don't tell for fear of the consequences. Same here with the people claiming to protect the feelings of their spouse, while in reality it is because they know the cheating will have consequences when she will find out. In this case the wife knew she would not live long anymore, so the consequences would be very little and she knew they should actually know.

 

[Spam On Rye]

Man who gives biblical lectures and lives his life by the Bible is an atheist, got it.

Either/or

 

[owen_taggart]

Either/or

What does that mean?

 

[Woldog]

Jordan Peterson isn't the smartest person in the world. He is interesting to watch, he is right just as often as he is wrong. People who view him as the pinnacle of an intelligent male simply agree with when he's right. People who view him as an idiot only focus on when his opinion is wrong in their view.
I don't mind Peterson but a lot of people seem to validate themselves using his views. Similar to the people who think Joe Rogan is a genius.

 

[chrisdiaz]

I know a friend of mine that was cheating on her BF now husband at the very beginning of their relationship with her X. She liked the sex better at the time. She fell in love with the dude and they are super happy and have a kid. I would never tell the dude now. It wasnt my place at the time to tell him and if he found out now it would kill their relationship. Shes a bitch for doing it but realized quickly it was wrong and stopped. I doubt she would cheat again.

 

[jeff7b9]

I've read some posts about women who were the "other woman," got with guys who cheated on their women, and then live in constant fear that the same thing will happen to them.

In my opinion, if you "stole" someone who was in a committed relationship, you have no right to complain when it happens to you.

While I wouldn't step out, in a hypothetical scenario that I settled with a "homewrecker," there is a 100% chance I would cheat on her. Lol. She'd have no moral argument.

My sister in law broke up a marriage, way way back around 15ish years ago.

Fast forward about 2 years and the dude is beating her.

wow...
THAT GUY is a piece of shit?
who could have seen that coming?

 

[humperdoo]

heck agree with Jordan. in fact, just do not tell your wife about it but just dump the 3rd party and go on with your life.

 

[spamking]

I guess the key is whether you're really going to stop.

If not, then you're just a cheater who doesn't want to get caught.

But if you really did stop cheating and will never do it again, then it's about you carrying the guilt on your own and not burdening others with your shameful secret.

Do you tell one of your close friends to help hold you accountable though? Do you think the shame and guilt is sufficient to not do it again?

 

[spamking]

Marriage troubles are dealt with in the Church.

 

[method115]

Why though?

The "right thing to do" for WHO?

The harmful act was the cheating.
That is the cardinal sin here.

The disclosure is to alleviate the guilt of the cheater.
It is not going to make the relationship better.
It is not going to build trust.
It does not undo the betrayal.

It just hurts the innocent party.

Exactly how is that better?

Honestly I don’t care what’s better. If my wife cheated I would want to know. Your wife is your partner. They are supposed to be someone you trust more than a best friend. You should know if they betrayed you.

This is like your best friend catching your wife cheating and not telling you. It will only make things worse right? If he hides and your wife hides it your life will be great. You’ll just be living a lie. What if your wife and best friend slip up and fuck one time. They should hide it? It only makes things worse to tell you. As long as they never do it again it’s all ok?

 

[Jake the Muss]

Infidelity is usually not a one-time thing. There is a vulnerability in one's sexual integrity that will probably take years to fix, and it will either happen again or fester into something else if nothing is done about it.

It is best to do the necessary inner work first, which may require hiring a marriage counselor, and then bringing your wife on board when you are ready to execute a plan of staying clean.

 

[jeff7b9]

Honestly I don’t care what’s better. If my wife cheated I would want to know. Your wife is your partner. They are supposed to be someone you trust more than a best friend. You should know if they betrayed you.

This is like your best friend catching your wife cheating and not telling you. It will only make things worse right? If he hides and your wife hides it your life will be great. You’ll just be living a lie. What if your wife and best friend slip up and fuck one time. They should hide it? It only makes things worse to tell you. As long as they never do it again it’s all ok?

A lot of people seem to be hung up on the ethics.

Once the cheating has transpired, the high road is closed. You are no longer living with the option of ethical righteousness.

You have now entered the realm of harm reduction.

_________________________
Options at that point:

A) confess and set the bomb off now,
GUARANTEEING to hurt significant other (and kids/family)

B) Attempt to get away with the transgression, maybe be a better person and learn from your mistake, retain the option to salvage and improve the relationship, move forward (with the eternal chance that...)

C) ... you get caught later and it all comes crashing down then
____________________________________

The least harmful of those options, to your significant other and children/family is B.
_____________________________________

Naturally people will WANT to know if they have been betrayed, that doesn't necessarily mean it is what is best.

If I were to find out now that my wife cheated, that is a train wreck for my 11 and 13 year old daughters. They would enter a very formative phase of their lives with trust issues and whatever other ripple effects that would impact their entire adult lives and specifically all of their future relationships.

How is that better than not setting off that bomb in my living room right now?

I would actually double it down to not only should my wife keep her hypothetical cheating a secret, she goddamn well better cover that shit up like a murder investigation because of the importance of what hangs in the balance.

_____________________

Last note in what is becoming a longer post than I intended:

Everyone seems to be assuming:

You will 100% get caught.

It will be much worse if they find out later.

I don't believe those things are certain.


If that secret makes it to the grave, the entirety of the punishment remains the psychological torment of the cheater knowing they did wrong. Which is precisely where the damage belongs.


If the transgression remains a one time or short term thing and is followed by a LONG time of a strong relationship, I think it is unlikely to do more harm than setting the bomb off in the living room, and much of if not all of the collateral damage could be avoided.
(A senior citizen may choose to not tell their adult children that one of their parents cheated decades prior)


TL/DR:
the cheating is the offense/infraction.

Choosing confession to alleviate personal guilt is another primarily selfish act, which can do significant collateral damage that it remains possible to avoid.

 

[jeff7b9]

There was a couple that were friends of my parents. They were smokers and the wife was a heavy smoker. She would light one cigarette with another and I even saw her with two lit at the same time. There eldest son was a year older than me. My parents went to their 25th anniversary party when I was 24 and I realized that their son was born about 4 months after they were married so she was pregnant when they were married. The wife developed emphysema and died at the age of 61. At the funeral, he confided to my parents that the day before she died, she told him that he wasn't the father of their son. She was pregnant when they first had sex. Why keep that a secret for almost 40 years then dump it on your husband as you're dying when you could have taken it to your grave? Her husband lived for another 20 years with that.

What a cunt.

That's some evil selfish shit.



There comes a certain point where it is better to not know.


I had a close friend who had a daughter from a failed relationship in his early 20s.
He got dragged over the fire BAD with child support etc, and took on 100k in debt trying to save that girls life when she got cancer.

He never took a paternity test.
He raised her, he bonded with her, he loved her.

At a certain point it didn't matter what the result of that test would have been.
That was his daughter.

 

[Dogshare]

TL/DR:
the cheating is the offense/infraction.

Choosing confession to alleviate personal guilt is another primarily selfish act, which can do significant collateral damage that it remains possible to avoid.

But who is saying you should tell because of guilt feelings? That would be weak yes. You should say because your spouse has the right to know and decide for herself what she does with it. To not give her that chance, so that you don't have to face the consequences of your cheating is the convenient thing to do, but also wrong.

 

[Jake the Muss]

If the transgression remains a one time or short term thing and is followed by a LONG time of a strong relationship, I think it is unlikely to do more harm than setting the bomb off in the living room, and much of if not all of the collateral damage could be avoided.

TL/DR:
the cheating is the offense/infraction.

Choosing confession to alleviate personal guilt is another primarily selfish act, which can do significant collateral damage that it remains possible to avoid.

These transgressions are not usually a one-time thing. People who transgress usually tell themselves that they would never do anything like that until it happens to them.

Then they may tell themselves, that it would never happen again, but they also said they would never do it from the start.

At this point, all it takes it's the right situation to grind down someone's willpower, and it will happen again unless they work on it. Redemption is not easy, but it's possible.

Also, what you don't know can hurt you. Secrets are like cancer that will eat away at trust, connectedness, and authenticity.

 

[jeff7b9]

But who is saying you should tell because of guilt feelings? That would be weak yes. You should say because your spouse has the right to now and decide for herself what she does with it. To not give her that chance, so that you don't have to face the consequences of your cheating is the convenient thing to do, but also wrong.

As I have said numerous times, WRONG is already the de facto state.

Choices at that point:

A) wrong plus guaranteed harm to significant other and family

B) wrong with possibility of avoided or delayed, maybe lesser harm

 

[jeff7b9]

These transgressions are not usually a one-time thing. People who transgress usually tell themselves that they would never do anything like that until it happens to them.

Then they may tell themselves, that it would never happen again, but they also said they would never do it from the start.

At this point, all it takes it's the right situation to grind down someone's willpower, and it will happen again unless they work on it. Redemption is not easy, but it's possible.

Also, what you don't know can hurt you. Secrets are like cancer that will eat away at trust, connectedness, and authenticity.

The parameters of the topic already stipulated that it is done and not recurring.

The dilemma: you have cheated on your wife or husband some time ago (a week, month, whatever) and now you have stopped.

It is an interesting topic that breeds interesting debate from both perspectives, and certainly could be branched off in various directions which carry their own moral implications, but the topic as presented and thus as I have argued, is a non recurring and already terminated transgression.


If the topic was a potentially recurring infraction I may come to a different conclusion.