First off, I thought you lived in Australia. Second, I've got a funny story.
About six years ago, we were at a movie theater waiting in line for an upcoming show. This was all interior. Some ghetto degenerate walks up and begins yapping at us about this and that, then suddenly slugs my friend Chris in the jaw. We take off after him. He finally turns around (this is on the third level of the Metreon movie theater) and throws his hands up as though he's s tough guy. Chris charges him and beats him down in the middle of the crowd of people.
Security ultimately came out, apprehended Chris and handcuffed him. Luke and I were being told by other guards that we needed to leave. We walked over to the guards holding Chris and immediately began to verbally berate them with an array of accusations and questions:
Under what power are you "placing him under arrest"?? You're not a police officer!
Are you certified to detain people?
Did you read him his rights??
You cut his wrist with those cuffs. You aren't an officer. What you're committing here is a felony crime known as unlawful imprisonment. Get your fucking hands off him and remove those cuffs now.
The guard took the cuffs off and we told Chris to take off, then further berated the rest of the guards and left.
Was hilarious.