Believe me, I've given this a lot of thought over the past three weeks since my wife passed & I'd be quite satisfied if I were to go now. I've accomplished many of my goals & reached peaks that I never thought I would. Especially over the past few years. But now, without Jana to share my life with I find myself just existing from day to day rather than really living. And I don't relish the thought of living long like this. So, if tonight were my last I'd be content with it.
Not that I plan to hasten my end in any way. But damn if it wouldn't be tempting if I had suicidal tendencies. In fact, I dare say I'd be gone already. I wouldn't have made it through that first hellish week without her. But for whatever reason, I have a strong survival instinct that prevents me from being proactive about my demise. So, I continue to exist.
Hopefully, in time, I'll find some reasons to actually live again. But it's difficult to imagine doing so at the moment. But I'll give it time. I really don't have much of a choice.