Time heals all wounds, but just how much time?

ObsoleteSoul said:
Definitely.

Good stuff. It’s always a shame when the other wastes valuable time and resources from the other.

Not saying they are necessarily wrong for it. We are wired differently. It’s just a difference I’ve seen.
Click to expand...
It actually works out pretty decently. For the most part, women are more affectionate than men, and men are more sentimental than women, so guys tend to romanticize failed relationships more, but they're are also probably better at being single because they're a little freer in more aspects other than just the sexual commitment. Guys can take the new freedom of being single and go to bars, go fishing, take a trip, spend more time on hobbies, chat up some chicks or go to a strip club or do whatever else you're into without checking in with someone else. It's not really stuff you should want to do long term, but women don't really do much different at all, and even lose a few things because they don't have someone to take with them, and now it's even more work because they have to start working out again and wear makeup more often to attract a new guy.

Breakups after a long relationship are usually better for men long term than women even though women initiate them because guys have an easier time "upgrading" with a younger happier chick, and women's options usually decline the older they get.
 
ObsoleteSoul said:
This is a question for folks who got out of long term relationships. One that lasted a decade or longer. Especially interested in the older peeps that got out of their relationships of at least 10+ years, and how they reacted to it. There is definitely a difference between younger and older people’s reaction to situations like this.

How long did it take until you were ready to get back in the saddle, and did you initiate the separation or were you on the receiving end?

I see so many people able to just pop right back up and get going, especially women, and some that take forever, and let the anguish simmer for far too long, wasting what time they have in life. What are your thoughts on this matter? Is there a right or wrong amount of time, or just depends on the person? I feel you shouldn’t hop right back in there because if it was a relationship you truly felt something about, then that’s not enough time to heal yourself, and regain the ability to give something of yourself to another.
Seeing how wrong I am a lot of the time, I’m fully open to being completely wrong about this too. So, I ask YOU all. What say you? Right back at em? A week? Month? Ritual Seppuku?
Click to expand...
I'm in the same boat as you. Toughest thing for me has been to open myself up again- in my long term relationship the woman I loved ended up pulling a 180 on me and towards the end I didn't even recognize her anymore. I've wrote about this in other threads, so not going to go into detail here. The point is this was someone who saw me in my very most vulnerable state and ended up turning on me- even though I got over the temporary hurdles that were in front of me. She initially had an idealized perception of me and when she learned I was a human with weaknesses and flaws, she checked out.

It's been super difficult for me to open myself up to someone like that, even though I am over her and I do realize that relationship hadn't been working for a long time.

I've had some opportunities come my way, but looking back now, at the time I wasn't mentally ready for them. I did make some new acquaintances recently however and having them around has helped me a bit so I feel a little less anxious about moving on.
 
plataoplombo said:
Might depend on how it ended and if there was closure. Took me years and I mean years to get over her because there was no closure. Then one day we talked and she was a bitch. Was so turned off and relieved that I just hung up and went about my day happy.
Click to expand...
So you basically realized you'd rather not pursue any kind of closure because she isn't worth your time anymore?
 
I've been thinking of sleep as a time machine. Want to forget something, go to sleep and when you wake up, it's that much harder to recall. Itching to do something the next morning? Go to sleep, then wake up earlier the next day.

Easier said than done, but doing something that occupies the mind helps to not think about something else. When I first got a DVD player, even on small standard def TV, some movies felt like an escape into the movie's world.
 
I guess the better and quicker you move on the better it will be for your own mental well being. But it's easier said than done obviously. Like someone passing away, it lingers for a while their death. You grieve for a certain amount of time. But is their ever absolute closure. I don't know it depends on the person I guess.
 
ObsoleteSoul said:
How long did it last? Did you initiate the separation?

I can totally understand the last part of your post.
Click to expand...
8-9yrs on & off
Didn't follow her when she got her invistigator job in Montréal for our Canadian version of the FBI.
Relationship wasn't running that great before her leaving though tbh.

Still see her 2-3 times a year.
Birthday's/Holliday's and shit.
Let's just say we play the pretend game to be happy to see each other.
 
Sonny Qc said:
8-9yrs on & off
Didn't follow her when she got her invistigator job in Montréal for our Canadian version of the FBI.
Relationship wasn't running that great before her leaving though tbh.

Still see her 2-3 times a year.
Birthday's/Holliday's and shit.
Let's just say we play the pretend game to be happy to see each other.
Click to expand...

Maybe stop seeing her man. Doesnt seem good for your mentality.
 
Years.

But I tend to dwell on the past, simmer, etc.

Still like to hook up in the meantime (which in hindsight, probably wasn't fair to them, though I've gotten better about that.)

I'm one that feels like it's okay to move on after the chick does (typically it's been me that caused things to end in the first place, then felt bad about it.)
 
Sometimes it's death that heals it.
 
My first love dumped me after 3 years when I was 20. I was in a deep funk for 3 months. I had no experience with it, didn't know wtf was going on with me. I had a buddy that took me out and called me a pussy and MADE me talk to girls. I got laid that night, and did that for a few more months before I was ready to date again. I went on a 3 year tear before I met my wife. I wouldn't trade that for the world. It is a total mind fuck, where you are your own worst enemy. You ruminate and dwell and it is all your own fault. You need to live. It's ok to miss someone, but that is where you have to draw the line. Anything more than a month you need to reevaluate your mind set.
 
I Am Legion said:
My first love dumped me after 3 years when I was 20. I was in a deep funk for 3 months. I had no experience with it, didn't know wtf was going on with me. I had a buddy that took me out and called me a pussy and MADE me talk to girls. I got laid that night, and did that for a few more months before I was ready to date again. I went on a 3 year tear before I met my wife. I wouldn't trade that for the world. It is a total mind fuck, where you are your own worst enemy. You ruminate and dwell and it is all your own fault. You need to live. It's ok to miss someone, but that is where you have to draw the line. Anything more than a month you need to reevaluate your mind set.
Click to expand...
Yeah I’m ok with waiting over a month. Depending on the relationship of course. 3 months seems reasonable IF you are not really in a super deep funk for the whole time. Calm and contemplative with some sadness thrown in the mix is a bit different.

Thanks for the input.
 
10 year relationship in about 4 months, all fixed.......... As long as you can get your mind round the cognitive dissonance of the relationship you once had you'll be all good, just remember, if they really where the person you thought they were then why would they have behaved in such a manner? It's usually a mixture of you trying to see the best in them and them pretending to be something they are not........ Your be surprised the red flags you overlooked
 
I think it depends on your mindset. As you get older, you understand how the world works a bit better, and that includes understanding humanity, which includes understanding yourself.

You just have to realize that the longer any relationship goes, the more the kind of passion you had at the beginning of it fades. Your partner, no matter who it is, will do things that annoy you, and vice versa. So if you’re sitting there pining for the “one that got away,” bemoaning your lost love, just know that if you had been given the chance to remain in a relationship with them long enough, eventually you would find the whole thing just kind of boring, and start taking it for granted.

There is no woman (or man) out there with whom you could be in a relationship where it would be the way you imagine it is in your fantasies. So just keep that in mind. That, and you only tend to remember the good stuff, not the bad.

If you know those two things, you’ll bounce back.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Forum statistics

Threads
1,239,125
Messages
55,606,487
Members
174,850
Latest member
peyman

Share this page

Back
Top