I'm no longer allowed to give blood :(

I like the part where you get cookies and apple juice. Also, why didn't the nurse put her head between your legs- she couldve hurt you. The part I didnt get is: when did you go to the potty?
 
Maybe my favorite @Clippy post ever. Legit had me laugh out loud 3x at work reading that. Could you try another town/city to donate in?
 
I didn't read any of that but I'm going to assume HIV.
 
can you cliff notes this wall o text.
 
I'm a Brit living in Canada and I'm not allowed to give blood. I went to some blood drive years ago and as soon as they heard my accent it's like they started reaching for the pitchfork. Apparently it's because of that mad cow disease we had like decades ago. Probably because of that one time we got hit with the plague as well.

Officially I'm a Canadian citizen now so I'm not sure they're even allowed to turn me away, so I should go and donate just to see if I can cause an outbreak. Even if it's not mad cow disease or plague I got this rash at the moment so there's probably something going on
 
Bobby Digital said:
That sucks, bud. I'm at a stage in my life where idk what I'd eat if I had to go that long without it. Broccoli is good, but it makes my farts stink.
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Try rustle sprouts. I eat a bag of them a day, and while they do smell like farts when you cook them, they're delicious
 
Clippy said:
I guess it all started in grade 7, I stuck myself in the hand with a compass:

th


The metal bit that sticks in the paper to draw a circle … all it did was draw a suspicious amount of blood out of a hand vein. I stuck myself good. My hand was soaked in blood and I wiped it on a piece of paper like this



I'm like "TEACHER!!!" … I started freaking out cause a lot of blood was coming out my hand and I gut the fuzzies. Things going dark. Like a dark cloud was trying to eat me. That feeling you get when you watch a DC movie. My teacher sucked and told me to go to the washroom and splash water all over myself and gave me a bandaid. It was weird.

------------------------

So 15 years ago or so I'm working at a grocery store as a produce clerk. I get to play with knives and fight vegetables. I was husking corn and someone was talking to me. Husking corn is when you use a knife to cut off the extra ends you never see in stores cause it's always cut off. I had a groove on and was husking so much corn and damn near cut my thumb off. I blead so hard and they gave me a special thumb bandaid they had - walked back to the produce station and remember telling a coworker I don't feel so good and need to sit down..... This time the dark cloud ate me.

I woke up in his arms all romantic like and it was so weird. I forgot everything that happened thinking I was still in bed. He sounded under water as he spoke to me and it became clear, ambient background noises started to repopulate into my ear holes. Black bubbles floated away and he came into full picture. It was so strange. He says he caught me or I would have broke my skull open on the cement back shop.. I owe the dude a life debt but the last thing I remember was yelling "I THINK I NEED TO SIT DOWN" and could have sworn I sat down on my own power. Apparently I just kind of fell over.

I was told I was saying weird things when the stretcher and 911 came. One guy asked me what happened when he saw me on a stretcher and apparently I'm quoted as saying "Nothing I'm just sitting on a hamburger" …. anyway doctors told me I have a fear of my own blood so whenever I bleed my heart rate goes up and I have a panic faint attack and I should watch out for that.

The rest of my career at the grocery store was annoying after that. People treating me like I'm handicapped or something. I was walking around the store looking at my hand cause I do what I want and the manager came over freaking out "DID YOU CUT YOURSELF AGAIN!!?!??" Fuck sakes. Also I got kicked out of the produce department and they made me do anther job before I quit. I also cut myself on a pomegranate tip but it didn't bleed as much

---------------------------------------------

Much later a friend drove me to the hospital to visit my dying neighbour. He couldn't pick me up and I had to find my own way home. This neighbour was a sweet old lady who gave me her cat. She was too far gone to be aware of my visit though :(

How am I going to get home?

I started a long walk and found myself at the blood donor clinic. I thought hey, I can get over my fear of my own blood and fear of needles at the same time! Back then they tested your iron by dropping a drop of your blood into a blue solution. Faster it sinks, better the iron. Mine sank like Danny DeVitto in a body of water so I was all set. Had to answer a questionnaire. Those questionnaires are weird:

Have you ever been in contact with a monkey?
Have you ever been to Tobago?
Have you ever fucked a monkey?
Have you ever shared cocaine needles?
Have you ever fucked a monkey in Tobago?
Have you ever fucked a man?
Has a man fucked you?

So strange. Also had to answer this question a few times "Are you giving blood under your own free will? … of course I am … ???? "Is anyone forcing you to give blood?"

What the fuck do people make others give blood at gun point?

And the last page was take this sticker and put it here if you want to give blood … or put it here if you're being forced into it and we'll pretend you're not eligible. WHAT THE FUCK

So they hooked me up and took the blood. I did it! I really did it! ,,,, aw shit going dark.... NURSE!!!!

They flipped my chair back so hard my shoes almost came off. Feet way up in the air. Then they threw piles of wet paper towel at me and shoved an apple juice down my throat.

After a bit I was fine to go. But damn … Got my ride home!!!! They paid for my taxi and gave me a bottle of Coke! (They no longer give Coke)


--------------------------------


My and my friend were uptown and I challenged him to a bet that I couldn't run up a reverse escalator in flip flops. He didn't want to take that bet but once a bet is made I never back down.

Ran up the stairs and at the top the faulty stairs tripped me and sliced my foot open. The escalator teeth got me. Started bleeding. Tried to walk it off "I'm fine" I'm fine"

My friend reads books for some reason and we went to a book store in the mall, I sat on the floor in the book store and he was really embarrassed. Whatever, no signs saying I can't sit here. Got worse. Went to a bench and passed out.

I woke up to a security guard checking on me and I played it off like "Yeah I'm good, just laying down in the mall, no worries"

Apparently I was white as a ghost.

My friend left me in the mall.

Also we're no longer friends.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally donated blood a second time. I got all psyched up. I can do this damn it! It was going well, I was feeling fine.

Then the nurse was like "Wow, you're blood is coming out so fast! You'll be done in no time!!

Fuck

I don't even look at the blood bag or want to think about what I'm actually doing. Don't talk about blood to me! Near fainted again, it rained wet paper towel over me. Took some cookies and went home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

So my work was doing a blood drive where if you donate they let you get off work. Woot woot. Went with a group of people.

Guess what

I DID IT!!! Didn't pass out at all! Felt fine.

But a coworker passed out so hard we were super late going back to work, just chatted and had a great time.

I really thought I finally and I mean finally got over my blood issues.

-------------------

Gave blood a fourth time. This time they put the needle in weird. I felt it the whole time. Didn't even fill the bag this time :(

Wet paper towel shower.

My record is now 1-3 for surviving blood donations.

-----------------------------------

5th donation went off without a hitch. This time my wife came along and we both donated. I was fine. Drank loads of water and made sure to eat a good meal too.

Feeling good.



-----------------------

Donation 6 is where it all went to hell. I had been out in the sun mowing the lawn and I have a decent amount of lawn, but I drank the fuck out of so much water. Ate good, feeling good. Been getting loads of sun and activity lately. Got a sexy tan.

I went to the blood store exactly 6 weeks after my last donation. The wife couldn't come cause women bleed too much and have to wait 8 weeks.

Passed all pre-screenings. Iron fine. Blood pressure fine. I didn't fuck a monkey.

Sat in the chair and played phone games like I did last time to distract myself.

… nurse couldn't find my vein. This NEVER happened. In fact they usually talk about how big and sexy my vein is which is not what I want to hear! Don't talk about blood or veins to me!

They damn near cut my arm off with a rope and then a blood pressure cuff to make my vanes jump out. And the nurse had a hard time choosing which vein to use and asked another nurse for help. … fuck

With no confidence the nurse was like "Well... guess we'll TRY this vein, I hope it doesn't ROLL"

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN.

Play on my phone play on my phone play on my phone.

Made it.

Walked away and got cookies and an apple juice.

Thought I was in the clear cause I have never made it off the table without being fine. Somehow the darkness came over me. I yelled at the elderly snack server - something is wrong!! Going black hard, harder than ever - so light headed sick to my stomach

All hell broke loose!!

An army of nurses aggressively attacked me as I sat in a regular chair. Said "PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!!"

I'm like "I'm too fat for that"

And they started pushing me into a position I couldn't really get into "HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!!"

They put more icy water and paper towel on me than ever before, down my shirt and all over.

A muscular man also came over and they brought a wheel chair.

It took me a long time to come out of it this time and when I did the nurse was like "Don't ever come back here again"

Explained to me that with a 2-4 record of not passing out the risk to me isn't worth it. Thanks for the blood but fuck off.

I actually feel like shit over this. Donating blood was the only nice thing I do to not feel like an asshole.... they told me I'm banned for LIFE.

This might sound silly but I'm legit very upset over this. Banned for LIFE. I wanted to keep donating.

They give you bags of tiny cookies and mine exploded when I opened it and cookies rolled over the donation wing and I left them in a cookie mess too.

Well … that's my story.

Anyone else have problems with their own blood?
Click to expand...
Lol all that for 5 likes...



I’ll give you one as well
<GrassoBless>
 
Im so offended that you think for even a second I'm going to read all thatt shit, that I wont even read the cliffs when/if they are posted

good day to you sir
 
faustian said:
Try rustle sprouts. I eat a bag of them a day, and while they do smell like farts when you cook them, they're delicious
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I've honestly missed out on many vegetables for many years. I've gotten into the habit of trying new things. I've never had brussel sprouts in my life. Will make it a point.
 
Also, not sure if "rustle sprouts" was a typo or not.
 
Jesus fuck, that's a term paper, not a post.
 
Bobby Digital said:
I've honestly missed out on many vegetables for many years. I've gotten into the habit of trying new things. I've never had brussel sprouts in my life. Will make it a point.
Click to expand...
Yeah put some lemon pepper on them and you're golden. It's also pretty cool because you feel like you're a giant monster eating whole cabbages in one bite
 
yamahacrasher said:
Maybe my favorite @Clippy post ever. Legit had me laugh out loud 3x at work reading that. Could you try another town/city to donate in?
Click to expand...

Glad someone read it.

It's my legit sorted history of blood loss reactions

I have some kind of problem

They took my information and told me I was on a no donate list

Don't think driving to Fredericton or Moncton would make a difference.

Hard to believe they ca even turn away blood with how desperate they always are.
 
As long as you can donate sperm who gives a fuck?
 
Bobby Digital said:
Heard that. I'm not allowed to donate plasma. Walked into a plasma center in Charlotte (a fairly big city), and they told me that I have the highest blood pressure they've ever seen. Begged me to go to the ER. I begged them to STFU and gimme my 60 bucks.
Click to expand...
Lol

I never did give plasma. If I wasnt a pussy I definitely would have been donating every couple of days back then. You know, to help those in need and stuff.
 
How bejesus shorten that up. I ain’t reading that shit.
 
mooseman17 said:
I didn’t read your shitty OP but I’m guessing it’s bc you have full blown gay AIDS and who ever told you a lesser excuse was just trying to let you down lightly.
Click to expand...
Dont talk to clippy like that you cunt
 
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