I'm a grown man and I feel like my dad is emotionally abusive to me

Grassshoppa

Grassshoppa

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I feel like I just need to get this out. He wrote me another scathing email tonight. It's emotionally mean and hurtful.

I had a great childhood. Felt loved by both parents. They were married for 40 years before my mom died. There was never any abuse. I felt like the house had a lot of love. Sure, there were a handful of times when maybe he was a little mean but nothing out of the norm.

My mom passed away and that's when I really started to feel like I was being emotionally abused. He's in his late 60's now. Much too long to type out. Will probably go see a counselor at our church to figure out how to respond to these things now because I don't even know how to respond to him anymore.

I think I've become afraid of his reactions and anger. I can't say what I really want to say. He's always right. The rest of the world is always wrong.

The email put me and my wife down. To be honest, full of half-truths, lies, and a different reality. He's gotten very angry with me in the past about strange things like not answering the phone when he calls. He moved to the same city as us to be close his grandson. Since being in a new relationship, he has become very mean and since moved to another state.

I'm not sure if the new woman has poisoned his head or if he's poisoned his own head. When they first met, she would walk into their bedroom and essentially pout when we were there. My dad would confide in us how she was jealous of our relationship. It got to a point where my dad couldn't do anything with me alone and the previous great relationship with my wife quickly soured. My wife and my dad could no longer do anything alone either.

When we were over, she eventually began to answer for him when I would ask my dad a question. She would talk over him. I truly feel that all along she has wanted to create a rift between us and my dad.

The worst point before he moved was when they came over. My wife asked him a question about cups he brought over. He blew up at her in front of me and our son. The new woman chimed in and said "It's her attitude." I looked at her and said, "Don't ever talk to my wife like that again." My dad walked briskly up toward me, almost charging at me which he had never been aggressive toward me before, and told the woman to get in the truck. My dad went on about how my wife was disrespectful, my previous relationships never disrespected him, my wife has changed, and on and on. They drove off.

Later, my son told me "I thought papa was going to hit you."

Not sure how to end this. I want to tell my dad that the way he has treated me is sometimes emotionally abusive. I feel like I can't say that. He's made comments to the woman before, "If my son ever treated me the way your son treats you I'd be done with him." I feel like he threatens to be done with me even though there's always been so much love between us. I can't even understand how a dad can do that to his son, especially since we've had a great relationship our entire life.

I want to tell him that I think the new woman has destroyed our relationship and family. But feel like I can't or am not allowed to say that. I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I don't want to hear her name. I don't want her in my house. I don't ever want to see her again.

I think I'm scared of my dad "writing me off." Taking me out of the will and wanting nothing to do with me. I feel like I've put up with this instead of saying anything because I want to make sure my wife and son are taken care of when I die so I want his assets to go to me so they can go to my wife and son.

Never thought I'd write something so true and personal on here but it's anonymous so I think that's why. And I've finally had enough.

Don't know how to end this so this is the end for now. Thanks for reading this massive mess.

EDIT: I also feel like he holds everything financially he has done for me over my head. I bought you this, I gave you this amount of money to help you and your wife out, and on and on. I never hold anything I've done for him over his head. I helped care for my mom for four years while she had cancer and not once have I ever said to him, "you owe me for that."

He says my wife and I spend money like it grows on trees. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm the most frugal and biggest saver. I've maintained a spreadsheet budget for the last six years or more. Down to the penny every month.

I could go on and on. The new woman got mad because we wanted to bring food over for Thanksgiving to be nice. She told my dad, "They don't think my food is good enough."

In this email, my dad was mad about how we had Thanksgiving at a friends last year. No, we didn't. We had a pre-Thanksgiving dinner with very close friends before the actual day of Thanksgiving when my dad and the woman came over. FUCKING HELL. Are we not allowed to do anything other than what you want us to do, how you want us to act, and what you want us to say?
 
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You're living his life. If you don't want him to treat you that way, then don't let him. It doesn't mean you two have to wrassle next time you see each other, it just means live your life and stop worrying about what he's doing or not doing. If he treats you like shit, just tell him you don't appreciate him speaking to you like that. If you guys email each other then you can do it that way if you want to avoid a blowout. If he still acts like a dink, then don't communicate with him. No calls, no visits, no emails. You have a wife and son, focus on them. Who cares about his money? Keep your dignity and sanity.
 
Here is the thing @Grassshoppa , have you ever heard of golden handcuffs? Its a term in business but also a reference to relationships where assets are involved. The idea is that the company offers highly compensated workers financial benefits and perks that encourage the employee to stay at the company rather than move around to other companies. The person might want to quit but they have on a pair of golden handcuffs, they would be giving up too much to quit.

The same applies to people who work for a family business and they may hate it but they stand too much to lose if they quit. It also applies to wills, trusts, and the relationship between wealthy parents and children. It sounds to me like you might be wearing a pair.
 
The new whore is giving him oral and anal.

How you gonna compete, Chachi?

<Huh2>
 
TS at first I wondered if your dad was showing signs of dementia but as soon as you mentioned he had a new woman in his life I realized what this is all about. Unfortunately it sounds like your dad is in a relationship with a narcissistic, manipulative and or possessive person. (need more details to figure it out which one)

She's putting shit ideas in his head to distance him from the people he cares and loves. She wants to control him and have an influence on him. She's answering for him because she's taking over his life. That's a huge red flag! She's also creating situations in order for him to defend her. She's a cunt.

Your dad's being used and manipulated and will end up not talking to any of you guys. You need to find a way to take him out of this situation, he can't really help himself at the moment.
 
Grassshoppa said:
I feel like I just need to get this out. He wrote me another scathing email tonight. It's emotionally mean and hurtful.

I had a great childhood. Felt loved by both parents. They were married for 40 years before my mom died. There was never any abuse. I felt like the house had a lot of love. Sure, there were a handful of times when maybe he was a little mean but nothing out of the norm.

My mom passed away and that's when I really started to feel like I was being emotionally abused. He's in his late 60's now. Much too long to type out. Will probably go see a counselor at our church to figure out how to respond to these things now because I don't even know how to respond to him anymore.

I think I've become afraid of his reactions and anger. I can't say what I really want to say. He's always right. The rest of the world is always wrong.

The email put me and my wife down. To be honest, full of half-truths, lies, and a different reality. He's gotten very angry with me in the past about strange things like not answering the phone when he calls. He moved to the same city as us to be close his grandson. Since being in a new relationship, he has become very mean and since moved to another state.

I'm not sure if the new woman has poisoned his head or if he's poisoned his own head. When they first met, she would walk into their bedroom and essentially pout when we were there. My dad would confide in us how she was jealous of our relationship. It got to a point where my dad couldn't do anything with me alone and the previous great relationship with my wife quickly soured. My wife and my dad could no longer do anything alone either.

When we were over, she eventually began to answer for him when I would ask my dad a question. She would talk over him. I truly feel that all along she has wanted to create a rift between us and my dad.

The worst point before he moved was when they came over. My wife asked him a question about cups he brought over. He blew up at her in front of me and our son. The new woman chimed in and said "It's her attitude." I looked at her and said, "Don't ever talk to my wife like that again." My dad walked briskly up toward me, almost charging at me which he had never been aggressive toward me before, and told the woman to get in the truck. My dad went on about how my wife was disrespectful, my previous relationships never disrespected him, my wife has changed, and on and on. They drove off.

Later, my son told me "I thought papa was going to hit you."

Not sure how to end this. I want to tell my dad that the way he has treated me is sometimes emotionally abusive. I feel like I can't say that. He's made comments to the woman before, "If my son ever treated me the way your son treats you I'd be done with him." I feel like he threatens to be done with me even though there's always been so much love between us. I can't even understand how a dad can do that to his son, especially since we've had a great relationship our entire life.

I want to tell him that I think the new woman has destroyed our relationship and family. But feel like I can't or am not allowed to say that. I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I don't want to hear her name. I don't want her in my house. I don't ever want to see her again.

I think I'm scared of my dad "writing me off." Taking me out of the will and wanting nothing to do with me. I feel like I've put up with this instead of saying anything because I want to make sure my wife and son are taken care of when I die so I want his assets to go to me so they can go to my wife and son.

Never thought I'd write something so true and personal on here but it's anonymous so I think that's why. And I've finally had enough.

Don't know how to end this so this is the end for now. Thanks for reading this massive mess.

EDIT: I also feel like he holds everything financially he has done for me over my head. I bought you this, I gave you this amount of money to help you and your wife out, and on and on. I never hold anything I've done for him over his head. I helped care for my mom for four years while she had cancer and not once have I ever said to him, "you owe me for that."

He says my wife and I spend money like it grows on trees. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm the most frugal and biggest saver. I've maintained a spreadsheet budget for the last six years or more. Down to the penny every month.

I could go on and on. The new woman got mad because we wanted to bring food over for Thanksgiving to be nice. She told my dad, "They don't think my food is good enough."

In this email, my dad was mad about how we had Thanksgiving at a friends last year. No, we didn't. We had a pre-Thanksgiving dinner with very close friends before the actual day of Thanksgiving when my dad and the woman came over. FUCKING HELL. Are we not allowed to do anything other than what you want us to do, how you want us to act, and what you want us to say?
Click to expand...

Well you the good/bad news is you don't have to worry about the will/assets. The new woman has already secured those. You and your siblings won't be getting shit.

If the only thing you were hanging on for was the inheritance, just cut him loose because that's gone.

Also, peoole live to be like 90 now so do you really want to deal with this for another 20+ years just for the hope of some money? Just spend that 20 years making more money yourself.
 
money is the root of all evil....she sounds like she is fighting for his attention and money
 
Sounds like something altering his brain.


No good answers. Either drugs, or various brain ailments.


Whatever it is, good luck
 
Didn't read but if he's acting like an asshole tell him to fuck off and cut off contact. I don't subscribe to this "but it's family!" Bullshit. I cut out my brother.
 
This is long as fuck and I'm half- drunk, but I think I got the jist of it.

First, my condolences about your mom. Your dad is obviously acting erratically due to her death. The chick is not making it easier at all.

If he's impossible to talk to you may need to give him some space (although I always think this should be a last minute alternative because you never know the last time you talk to somebody.)
 
Grassshoppa said:
I feel like I just need to get this out. He wrote me another scathing email tonight. It's emotionally mean and hurtful.
Click to expand...

Interesting. I went through something very similar growing up. My father had passed away when I was 4 and my mother re-married when I was 12. My step-father had divorced his wife and had 3 children older than my sister and I. There was a difference of almost 20 years between my mother and my step-father. I could not, and still can't, figure out why my mother would marry this man. Money was not an issue. They were complete opposites, but made each other very happy.

You seem to feel something for your father which I never felt for my step-father. He was kind and loving to my mother but not my sister and I. My sister, who is older, eventually moved out of the house to live with another family member. I attended high school and college while living at home.

I hated being in the presence of my step-father. He never abused me physically but certainly did it verbally. Mostly negative comments and put-downs. Yeah, there were more and more arguments between the two of us as I got older. My step-father was smart, rich, and well respected and known in the community. I think that much of what he was trying to say through his words to me was to help me, but it had the opposite effect. The man has passed away now, and a good chunk of his wealth came to me. Looking back, I have no good memories of him. Life for me at home was miserable from the time I was 12 to the time I was 16. He was specially harsh when my mother was not around. I don't know what I could have done to him, as a kid, to deserve such 'aggression' and lack of love, but I certainly still do hate the man.

In your case, you need to bring all this anguish and frustration out. You need to have a face-to-face with your dad, or maybe write him a letter. Much like mine, he may not know how the consequences his actions and words are affecting you and your family. I would have told him to 'fuck off' a long time ago, but in your case you want his money. Well, that is the price you have to pay until he dies, given there is any money left. Maybe this woman your dad is involved with has already affected the family will. Happens all the time between older rich men and younger women. Not sure there is much you can do to check on that.

Grassshoppa said:
Are we not allowed to do anything other than what you want us to do, how you want us to act, and what you want us to say?
Click to expand...

Exactly, it was always his way. Just like you mentioned. "By God, if I like something, you will like it. If I hate something, you will hate it too. This is what I would have done if I was in your shoes. I have always been right and I will always be right. Don't question what I have to say." Yeah, fuck off old man. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. ​
 
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Sounds like Manopause or whatever, and someone who is perhaps so emotionally damaged that they can’t help but be a douche without being given some new tools.

Definitely speak with a family counselor about your own stuff, and perhaps figure out the best approach for your dad.

My step dad is like this, except he has been since I was a kid. He is chiller with me now that I’m an adult with a career and shit. But I’ve distanced myself from any authentic or real relationship with him, why? Cuz he’s too emotionally retarded for me to expect anything to change. He’d never get help to better umderstand himself or respond better to people.
So, you distance yourself if need be. For your sake and definitely for the family’s, you renegotiate the premise of the relationship. Eventually you internalize that change and move on, despite how much it sucks.

But hey, good luck. Protect your family first, yourself second, and his feelings last!
 
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