I'm a grown man and I feel like my dad is emotionally abusive to me

Solid odds she's going to get you taken out of the will. Not worth it to act in a way to stay in the will, you won't be.

Act as if there are no consequences, because the consequences will occur regardless of what you do.
 
Grassshoppa said:
I feel like I just need to get this out. He wrote me another scathing email tonight. It's emotionally mean and hurtful.

I had a great childhood. Felt loved by both parents. They were married for 40 years before my mom died. There was never any abuse. I felt like the house had a lot of love. Sure, there were a handful of times when maybe he was a little mean but nothing out of the norm.

My mom passed away and that's when I really started to feel like I was being emotionally abused. He's in his late 60's now. Much too long to type out. Will probably go see a counselor at our church to figure out how to respond to these things now because I don't even know how to respond to him anymore.

I think I've become afraid of his reactions and anger. I can't say what I really want to say. He's always right. The rest of the world is always wrong.

The email put me and my wife down. To be honest, full of half-truths, lies, and a different reality. He's gotten very angry with me in the past about strange things like not answering the phone when he calls. He moved to the same city as us to be close his grandson. Since being in a new relationship, he has become very mean and since moved to another state.

I'm not sure if the new woman has poisoned his head or if he's poisoned his own head. When they first met, she would walk into their bedroom and essentially pout when we were there. My dad would confide in us how she was jealous of our relationship. It got to a point where my dad couldn't do anything with me alone and the previous great relationship with my wife quickly soured. My wife and my dad could no longer do anything alone either.

When we were over, she eventually began to answer for him when I would ask my dad a question. She would talk over him. I truly feel that all along she has wanted to create a rift between us and my dad.

The worst point before he moved was when they came over. My wife asked him a question about cups he brought over. He blew up at her in front of me and our son. The new woman chimed in and said "It's her attitude." I looked at her and said, "Don't ever talk to my wife like that again." My dad walked briskly up toward me, almost charging at me which he had never been aggressive toward me before, and told the woman to get in the truck. My dad went on about how my wife was disrespectful, my previous relationships never disrespected him, my wife has changed, and on and on. They drove off.

Later, my son told me "I thought papa was going to hit you."

Not sure how to end this. I want to tell my dad that the way he has treated me is sometimes emotionally abusive. I feel like I can't say that. He's made comments to the woman before, "If my son ever treated me the way your son treats you I'd be done with him." I feel like he threatens to be done with me even though there's always been so much love between us. I can't even understand how a dad can do that to his son, especially since we've had a great relationship our entire life.

I want to tell him that I think the new woman has destroyed our relationship and family. But feel like I can't or am not allowed to say that. I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I don't want to hear her name. I don't want her in my house. I don't ever want to see her again.

I think I'm scared of my dad "writing me off." Taking me out of the will and wanting nothing to do with me. I feel like I've put up with this instead of saying anything because I want to make sure my wife and son are taken care of when I die so I want his assets to go to me so they can go to my wife and son.

Never thought I'd write something so true and personal on here but it's anonymous so I think that's why. And I've finally had enough.

Don't know how to end this so this is the end for now. Thanks for reading this massive mess.

EDIT: I also feel like he holds everything financially he has done for me over my head. I bought you this, I gave you this amount of money to help you and your wife out, and on and on. I never hold anything I've done for him over his head. I helped care for my mom for four years while she had cancer and not once have I ever said to him, "you owe me for that."

He says my wife and I spend money like it grows on trees. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm the most frugal and biggest saver. I've maintained a spreadsheet budget for the last six years or more. Down to the penny every month.

I could go on and on. The new woman got mad because we wanted to bring food over for Thanksgiving to be nice. She told my dad, "They don't think my food is good enough."

In this email, my dad was mad about how we had Thanksgiving at a friends last year. No, we didn't. We had a pre-Thanksgiving dinner with very close friends before the actual day of Thanksgiving when my dad and the woman came over. FUCKING HELL. Are we not allowed to do anything other than what you want us to do, how you want us to act, and what you want us to say?
Click to expand...
at first I was like damn he's just lonely and gets pissed when you don't talk to him on the phone then you go on about his new gf and yeah women have a way of doing that to relationships. My dad has always been an asshole and it's his girlfriends who patches the shit up between us until he starts wanting to hangout with his family then they turn into cunts.
 
@Grassshoppa

I feel like you just described my mother. Same damn situation.

Shit sucks. I have to quit talking to her for periods of time until she starts acting right
 
Grassshoppa said:
I feel like I just need to get this out. He wrote me another scathing email tonight. It's emotionally mean and hurtful.

I had a great childhood. Felt loved by both parents. They were married for 40 years before my mom died. There was never any abuse. I felt like the house had a lot of love. Sure, there were a handful of times when maybe he was a little mean but nothing out of the norm.

My mom passed away and that's when I really started to feel like I was being emotionally abused. He's in his late 60's now. Much too long to type out. Will probably go see a counselor at our church to figure out how to respond to these things now because I don't even know how to respond to him anymore.

I think I've become afraid of his reactions and anger. I can't say what I really want to say. He's always right. The rest of the world is always wrong.

The email put me and my wife down. To be honest, full of half-truths, lies, and a different reality. He's gotten very angry with me in the past about strange things like not answering the phone when he calls. He moved to the same city as us to be close his grandson. Since being in a new relationship, he has become very mean and since moved to another state.

I'm not sure if the new woman has poisoned his head or if he's poisoned his own head. When they first met, she would walk into their bedroom and essentially pout when we were there. My dad would confide in us how she was jealous of our relationship. It got to a point where my dad couldn't do anything with me alone and the previous great relationship with my wife quickly soured. My wife and my dad could no longer do anything alone either.

When we were over, she eventually began to answer for him when I would ask my dad a question. She would talk over him. I truly feel that all along she has wanted to create a rift between us and my dad.

The worst point before he moved was when they came over. My wife asked him a question about cups he brought over. He blew up at her in front of me and our son. The new woman chimed in and said "It's her attitude." I looked at her and said, "Don't ever talk to my wife like that again." My dad walked briskly up toward me, almost charging at me which he had never been aggressive toward me before, and told the woman to get in the truck. My dad went on about how my wife was disrespectful, my previous relationships never disrespected him, my wife has changed, and on and on. They drove off.

Later, my son told me "I thought papa was going to hit you."

Not sure how to end this. I want to tell my dad that the way he has treated me is sometimes emotionally abusive. I feel like I can't say that. He's made comments to the woman before, "If my son ever treated me the way your son treats you I'd be done with him." I feel like he threatens to be done with me even though there's always been so much love between us. I can't even understand how a dad can do that to his son, especially since we've had a great relationship our entire life.

I want to tell him that I think the new woman has destroyed our relationship and family. But feel like I can't or am not allowed to say that. I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I don't want to hear her name. I don't want her in my house. I don't ever want to see her again.

I think I'm scared of my dad "writing me off." Taking me out of the will and wanting nothing to do with me. I feel like I've put up with this instead of saying anything because I want to make sure my wife and son are taken care of when I die so I want his assets to go to me so they can go to my wife and son.

Never thought I'd write something so true and personal on here but it's anonymous so I think that's why. And I've finally had enough.

Don't know how to end this so this is the end for now. Thanks for reading this massive mess.

EDIT: I also feel like he holds everything financially he has done for me over my head. I bought you this, I gave you this amount of money to help you and your wife out, and on and on. I never hold anything I've done for him over his head. I helped care for my mom for four years while she had cancer and not once have I ever said to him, "you owe me for that."

He says my wife and I spend money like it grows on trees. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm the most frugal and biggest saver. I've maintained a spreadsheet budget for the last six years or more. Down to the penny every month.

I could go on and on. The new woman got mad because we wanted to bring food over for Thanksgiving to be nice. She told my dad, "They don't think my food is good enough."

In this email, my dad was mad about how we had Thanksgiving at a friends last year. No, we didn't. We had a pre-Thanksgiving dinner with very close friends before the actual day of Thanksgiving when my dad and the woman came over. FUCKING HELL. Are we not allowed to do anything other than what you want us to do, how you want us to act, and what you want us to say?
Click to expand...

It is obvious that his new significant other is manipulating him to perceive you in a negative light, and he may cut you out of his will regardless of what you do. She sounds like she is going right after your inheritance. I am kind of grateful my mother never married after my dad died. Having to deal with a step father I don't particularly like would have pissed me off.

Stop being such a fucking victim though. Let him know how you feel without saying anything you will regret. Let him know that you don't intend on treating your son this way, and that you hope to do all you can for your son to make sure he has a future. Your father's behavior sounds inappropriate and not very fair-minded, and he really needs to figure out what is important in life because the time you will have together is finite. If he doesn't change his behavior, you need to minimize contact with your father as much as possible. Keeping that kind of poison around isn't good for you.
 
I don't hesitate to cut people out of my life.

Already done it to my sister. Would do it to my dad in a heartbeat if he ever treated me the way you described.

I'll make my own money. I don't need shit from anyone.
 
Yep. That new pussy is fucking with your dad’s head. He needs help.
 
Tell your dad he putting that pussy on a pedestal.
 
Send your dad an email and tell him what your son said. That alone should give him pause.

If he wants to be the kids grandfather tell him your concerns as diplomatically as possible.

Do not blame or mention the new wife. You will not win if you take that road. He will take her side.

If he doesn't change or apologise revoke his grandfather privileges as a last resort. You don't have to eat shit simply because he is your dad, treat it like any other relationship.
 
You aren't a man If you cry about being emotionally abused.... That's not a real thing, only chicks say that. If you're Dad is being a Prick it happens... But emotionally abusive? Ughhh.
 
You need to make some clear boundaries here. If your dad isn't going to act appropriately with you and your family then you might want to consider pulling back on being around them.

There is no rule that you have to see your parents so much when you are an adult.
 
Hades86 said:
You aren't a man If you cry about being emotionally abused.... That's not a real thing, only chicks say that. If you're Dad is being a Prick it happens... But emotionally abusive? Ughhh.
Click to expand...

It is a real thing. Just because it doesn't bother you doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
 
Turtlejuice said:
Slap him with a #metoo
Click to expand...

Fuck his broad, then slap her w/ a #metoo. Use the inheritance duress as to why you had to do whatever she wanted, which was the D in her old ass.

"Dad, I love you, and...I told ya so."
 
That sucks man.

But you have a wife and child. You're responsible for their happiness and well being above everything. You gotta let your dad do what he's gonna do and embroil yourself in the drama.

Unfortunately, your chances of exerting more influence on him than the current woman in his life are virtually zero. So you just have to try to navigate it in the least painful way you can manage, which may mean maintaining some distance.

Definitely let him know your exact feelings though. Be calm, diplomatic but honest.
 
Grassshoppa said:
I feel like I just need to get this out. He wrote me another scathing email tonight. It's emotionally mean and hurtful.

I had a great childhood. Felt loved by both parents. They were married for 40 years before my mom died. There was never any abuse. I felt like the house had a lot of love. Sure, there were a handful of times when maybe he was a little mean but nothing out of the norm.

My mom passed away and that's when I really started to feel like I was being emotionally abused. He's in his late 60's now. Much too long to type out. Will probably go see a counselor at our church to figure out how to respond to these things now because I don't even know how to respond to him anymore.

I think I've become afraid of his reactions and anger. I can't say what I really want to say. He's always right. The rest of the world is always wrong.

The email put me and my wife down. To be honest, full of half-truths, lies, and a different reality. He's gotten very angry with me in the past about strange things like not answering the phone when he calls. He moved to the same city as us to be close his grandson. Since being in a new relationship, he has become very mean and since moved to another state.

I'm not sure if the new woman has poisoned his head or if he's poisoned his own head. When they first met, she would walk into their bedroom and essentially pout when we were there. My dad would confide in us how she was jealous of our relationship. It got to a point where my dad couldn't do anything with me alone and the previous great relationship with my wife quickly soured. My wife and my dad could no longer do anything alone either.

When we were over, she eventually began to answer for him when I would ask my dad a question. She would talk over him. I truly feel that all along she has wanted to create a rift between us and my dad.

The worst point before he moved was when they came over. My wife asked him a question about cups he brought over. He blew up at her in front of me and our son. The new woman chimed in and said "It's her attitude." I looked at her and said, "Don't ever talk to my wife like that again." My dad walked briskly up toward me, almost charging at me which he had never been aggressive toward me before, and told the woman to get in the truck. My dad went on about how my wife was disrespectful, my previous relationships never disrespected him, my wife has changed, and on and on. They drove off.

Later, my son told me "I thought papa was going to hit you."

Not sure how to end this. I want to tell my dad that the way he has treated me is sometimes emotionally abusive. I feel like I can't say that. He's made comments to the woman before, "If my son ever treated me the way your son treats you I'd be done with him." I feel like he threatens to be done with me even though there's always been so much love between us. I can't even understand how a dad can do that to his son, especially since we've had a great relationship our entire life.

I want to tell him that I think the new woman has destroyed our relationship and family. But feel like I can't or am not allowed to say that. I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I don't want to hear her name. I don't want her in my house. I don't ever want to see her again.

I think I'm scared of my dad "writing me off." Taking me out of the will and wanting nothing to do with me. I feel like I've put up with this instead of saying anything because I want to make sure my wife and son are taken care of when I die so I want his assets to go to me so they can go to my wife and son.

Never thought I'd write something so true and personal on here but it's anonymous so I think that's why. And I've finally had enough.

Don't know how to end this so this is the end for now. Thanks for reading this massive mess.

EDIT: I also feel like he holds everything financially he has done for me over my head. I bought you this, I gave you this amount of money to help you and your wife out, and on and on. I never hold anything I've done for him over his head. I helped care for my mom for four years while she had cancer and not once have I ever said to him, "you owe me for that."

He says my wife and I spend money like it grows on trees. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm the most frugal and biggest saver. I've maintained a spreadsheet budget for the last six years or more. Down to the penny every month.

I could go on and on. The new woman got mad because we wanted to bring food over for Thanksgiving to be nice. She told my dad, "They don't think my food is good enough."

In this email, my dad was mad about how we had Thanksgiving at a friends last year. No, we didn't. We had a pre-Thanksgiving dinner with very close friends before the actual day of Thanksgiving when my dad and the woman came over. FUCKING HELL. Are we not allowed to do anything other than what you want us to do, how you want us to act, and what you want us to say?
Click to expand...

Hey dude, you asked a serious question, so I'll give you a serious answer:

I don't think anyone involved has the tool kit to disarm this situation. As silly as it might sound, this would be pretty straightforward work for a relationship counsellor.

I appreciate your dad ain't gonna agree to that.

I think it might help to clear the air between you, he's writing to you, ignore whether he's right or wrong and listen to how he feels.

I'd suggest you write to him too, now ideally I'd get you both to read out what you write in a mediated session but sans that it's possible you'll get somewhere if you write well. I'd be happy to edit for you to remove negative emotion.

You gotta talk about the miscommunication, the problem you guys have between you, etc, the issue is external to you, not the other person. That way they feel like it's less of an attack they need to defend. I would include the bit about his grandson being worried he was gonna hit you because of the fight you both had, as evidence for why we have to bury all this, because family is the most important thing and a grandson needs his grandpa. For that he needs to see positive role models from both of you and that's why we gotta fix this etc.

Always share the blame and focus on mutual gain.

With mediation I would explore you feeling indebted to him, because his power over you is likely making both you and him bad. You give him too much leeway and he obviously hates something and is taking it out on you. All power is given and you're giving him power. I know how that shit is man tho, I may get my pension off my parents or I might get nothing, you gotta be prepared to get nothing and to be fine with that. Ya gotta keep your power in the situation to maintain respect, you can always walk away and that's gotta be real.

All the best.
 
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