First date horror stories

[hutchens]

Dude, that's the EXACT mask!

dude u need to get on the internet more so many people have those masks its like fad for pics and shit you need to check out the chive bro

 

[CrazyJHL]

brofist.jpg

Good for you man. I don't think I'd have the balls to do that, but you also avoided being molested by the women you wanted to avoided. Mission Accomplished.

 

[bortt]

Interesting how the majority of these stories point the fault at the lady. In my story this is not the case.

Several years ago I took a lovely young woman out to a Lakers game. I was rather infatuated with the gal, and in my zeal hadn't paid attention to where I parked my car. After the show, I was completely lost (so was she), and following a grueling 90 minute walk around the parking lot, I drove her home in silence. Upon arrival at her house, she left the vehicle without a word and I never heard from her again.

I might have been able to turn that situation into a memorable little mishap we could both laugh about, but my frustration had gotten the better of me, and I crashed and I burned.

 

[hutchens]

mission accomplished

at great costs. fuck i just sat through like 3 hours of my little pony and the whole pixar movie, rio. i just sat in the back drinking. they acted like giving 9 year olds. they spent of the time giggling and breathing in helium to make funny voices. i wanted to shoot myself in the face. sometime during this, they started taking facebook pictures, but i avoided them out of fear of future embarrassment. to cheer me up, one girl told me she draws her friends as ponies and could draw me. i sarcastically said (in the voice of mac from always sunny), "yeah but to represent my muscular godlike physique, you'd have to draw me as a badass dragon"... THEN SHE FUCKING DID. SHE GOT A SKETCHPAD AND SPENT LIKE 30 MINUTES ON IT (will post tomorrow).

finally the fat weird girls left so it was just me and the hot ones. they told me to sleep on the couch,while they shared the bed. after like 10 minutes, the 8 came out and climbed on me. we made out and she went back in the room. at this point i was like "wtf that's it?" and started walking past the bedroom to leave

as i was walking past, i decided fuck it. so i just went and climbed in the middle, expecting to be kicked out. the 8 started pulling my shirt off, and well it started escalating while the 7 laid next to us, rubbing my back. i started making out with her and groping her but she didnt let me get it in. so i fucked the 8 while the 7 kissed me and i groped her

now I'm back on the couch (i could imagine it turning really awkward in there, very quickly), trying to decide if I'm sober enough to drive home

you the man bro you the man

always love a sweet always sunny reference

 

[ohyeah290]

I've got a few of these stories but none compare to some of the ones already in here.

I was a horny 17 year old kid. Just broke up with a girlfriend. Figured why not get online and look for some. My ex had set up this myyearbook account without my knowledge a while back so I logged on looking for some girls. I meet this one girl. Nothing great but she's doable. She lives in the state over and wanted to meet up that night. I had just got paid from work, had a couple absences from school left before I got in trouble, and a boner that I couldn't get rid of. So my dumbass gets in my car at 9pm and drives 4 hours to right outside Ft. Bragg from South Carolina. I get there and call her up. "Hey I'm right outside your house." She says "Oh. Okay. I'll be out in just one second."

So I'm waiting outside in my car and this girl walks out of a house. She looks just vile. Right in between fat and chunky on the tubby scale. Piercings all over her face. (Can't stand them.) Dressed like complete shit. I'm debating at this point whether I should at least be nice and hang with her or just haul ass out of there. (I just drove 4 hours and I wouldn't have much of a story if I chose the latter.) So I go inside at about 2am. Her parents are sitting on the couch drunk as hell. They're are some seriously weird redneck people that look like they've done meth. She takes me to her room and we start playing her nintendo. All in all I'm just incredibly uncomfortable. She starts asking me about sex and stuff like that. I'm a nice guy so I tell her what she wants to hear but I'm not taking my eyes off that mario kart. The next minute I know I'm balls deep in about 170lb of pure bacon. Not only that but it was seriously the worst I've ever had. She would let me do nothing but missionary for the sole purpose of procreation. I made up some BS excuse, "It's getting late, I have school in the morning. I really need to go." She asks if I could drive her to school in the morning. I'm pretty disgusted with myself and really wanted to get out. I ignored her and ran out the front door. Drove my car back home 120mph. This is the first time I've told this story anywhere. Worst part is....I was sober.

Another story was this girl I had met and got her number maybe a year before this. She seemed pretty normal. 7/10 I suppose. I ask her if she wants to go out on a date sometime. She agreed. Just incase she was a weirdo I had my friend (who is a cancer patient so this could be totally legit if she asked.) set up a code word with me. If I text him Oklahoma he is to call me immediately and tell me he is in the hospital and I need to go now that way I can take her home and be done with it.

So I ask her where she wants to eat. We go to Applebees because that's what she wanted. We sit down and the second we sit down she's trying to hold my hand and do all this stuff that to me would generally be in a relationship. She tells me she loves me and all this and I'm thinking what the hell?!!? Then we get our food. She starts talking about how she has a boyfriend and a girlfriend and they're cool with me joining into this "circle". I'm completely freaked out by this. She has no sense of public decency either as the whole time she's talking about this she's just talking above a normal volume about how much she wants to do the deed.

None of this deterred me so I took her home. We started getting at it and she tells me to put my sailors hat on. (Of zero relevance. I just wanted to add the fact I have sex in a Captains sailor hat in there.) We had been drinking a tad before and she had one of those HUGE smirnoff apple bottles. She asks me to put it in her.....not the neck of the bottle. The bottom. So I did it and got my nut. Never called her again. She was a freak.

 

[xcvbn]

mission accomplished

at great costs. fuck i just sat through like 3 hours of my little pony and the whole pixar movie, rio. i just sat in the back drinking. they acted like giving 9 year olds. they spent of the time giggling and breathing in helium to make funny voices. i wanted to shoot myself in the face. sometime during this, they started taking facebook pictures, but i avoided them out of fear of future embarrassment. to cheer me up, one girl told me she draws her friends as ponies and could draw me. i sarcastically said (in the voice of mac from always sunny), "yeah but to represent my muscular godlike physique, you'd have to draw me as a badass dragon"... THEN SHE FUCKING DID. SHE GOT A SKETCHPAD AND SPENT LIKE 30 MINUTES ON IT (will post tomorrow).

finally the fat weird girls left so it was just me and the hot ones. they told me to sleep on the couch,while they shared the bed. after like 10 minutes, the 8 came out and climbed on me. we made out and she went back in the room. at this point i was like "wtf that's it?" and started walking past the bedroom to leave

as i was walking past, i decided fuck it. so i just went and climbed in the middle, expecting to be kicked out. the 8 started pulling my shirt off, and well it started escalating while the 7 laid next to us, rubbing my back. i started making out with her and groping her but she didnt let me get it in. so i fucked the 8 while the 7 kissed me and i groped her

now I'm back on the couch (i could imagine it turning really awkward in there, very quickly), trying to decide if I'm sober enough to drive home

Go back in there for round 2. Wtf are you doing on the couch man!?

 

[lowsingle]

Go back in there for round 2. Wtf are you doing on the couch man!?

mostly panic tbh. they kept saying that they wanted to sleep now and i was so happy i didn't want to overstay my welcome. and i did NOT want to deal with whatever once they sobered up

i already booked it home lol

 

[FierceRedBelt]

mostly panic tbh. they kept saying that they wanted to sleep now and i was so happy i didn't want to overstay my welcome. and i did NOT want to deal with whatever once they sobered up

i already booked it home lol

The eagle has landed.

Abandon ship.

 

[lowsingle]

I've got a few of these stories but none compare to some of the ones already in here.

I was a horny 17 year old kid. Just broke up with a girlfriend. Figured why not get online and look for some. My ex had set up this myyearbook account without my knowledge a while back so I logged on looking for some girls. I meet this one girl. Nothing great but she's doable. She lives in the state over and wanted to meet up that night. I had just got paid from work, had a couple absences from school left before I got in trouble, and a boner that I couldn't get rid of. So my dumbass gets in my car at 9pm and drives 4 hours to right outside Ft. Bragg from South Carolina. I get there and call her up. "Hey I'm right outside your house." She says "Oh. Okay. I'll be out in just one second."

So I'm waiting outside in my car and this girl walks out of a house. She looks just vile. Right in between fat and chunky on the tubby scale. Piercings all over her face. (Can't stand them.) Dressed like complete shit. I'm debating at this point whether I should at least be nice and hang with her or just haul ass out of there. (I just drove 4 hours and I wouldn't have much of a story if I chose the latter.) So I go inside at about 2am. Her parents are sitting on the couch drunk as hell. They're are some seriously weird redneck people that look like they've done meth. She takes me to her room and we start playing her nintendo. All in all I'm just incredibly uncomfortable. She starts asking me about sex and stuff like that. I'm a nice guy so I tell her what she wants to hear but I'm not taking my eyes off that mario kart. The next minute I know I'm balls deep in about 170lb of pure bacon. Not only that but it was seriously the worst I've ever had. She would let me do nothing but missionary for the sole purpose of procreation. I made up some BS excuse, "It's getting late, I have school in the morning. I really need to go." She asks if I could drive her to school in the morning. I'm pretty disgusted with myself and really wanted to get out. I ignored her and ran out the front door. Drove my car back home 120mph. This is the first time I've told this story anywhere. Worst part is....I was sober.

Another story was this girl I had met and got her number maybe a year before this. She seemed pretty normal. 7/10 I suppose. I ask her if she wants to go out on a date sometime. She agreed. Just incase she was a weirdo I had my friend (who is a cancer patient so this could be totally legit if she asked.) set up a code word with me. If I text him Oklahoma he is to call me immediately and tell me he is in the hospital and I need to go now that way I can take her home and be done with it.

So I ask her where she wants to eat. We go to Applebees because that's what she wanted. We sit down and the second we sit down she's trying to hold my hand and do all this stuff that to me would generally be in a relationship. She tells me she loves me and all this and I'm thinking what the hell?!!? Then we get our food. She starts talking about how she has a boyfriend and a girlfriend and they're cool with me joining into this "circle". I'm completely freaked out by this. She has no sense of public decency either as the whole time she's talking about this she's just talking above a normal volume about how much she wants to do the deed.

None of this deterred me so I took her home. We started getting at it and she tells me to put my sailors hat on. (Of zero relevance. I just wanted to add the fact I have sex in a Captains sailor hat in there.) We had been drinking a tad before and she had one of those HUGE smirnoff apple bottles. She asks me to put it in her.....not the neck of the bottle. The bottom. So I did it and got my nut. Never called her again. She was a freak.

wow jesus, the bottom of the bottle? holy fuck

but regarding your first story, it seems to be a common theme where the girl comes out, and we just go through the date just to not be a complete asshole

we need to figure out a way to bail without shattering her selfesteem forever

 

[FierceRedBelt]

Somehow I missed the whole "i already booked it home" part.

 

[therealdope]

I've got nothing to contribute here.

The closest thing I have: While in grad school I got picked up at closing time by a skank. agreed to meet her at bar 5 days later. I knew what i was in for so i took my toothbrush with me when i went to meet up with her. Turned out to be wise planning.

 

[Asathor]

mission accomplished

at great costs. fuck i just sat through like 3 hours of my little pony and the whole pixar movie, rio. i just sat in the back drinking. they acted like giving 9 year olds. they spent of the time giggling and breathing in helium to make funny voices. i wanted to shoot myself in the face. sometime during this, they started taking facebook pictures, but i avoided them out of fear of future embarrassment. to cheer me up, one girl told me she draws her friends as ponies and could draw me. i sarcastically said (in the voice of mac from always sunny), "yeah but to represent my muscular godlike physique, you'd have to draw me as a badass dragon"... THEN SHE FUCKING DID. SHE GOT A SKETCHPAD AND SPENT LIKE 30 MINUTES ON IT (will post tomorrow).

finally the fat weird girls left so it was just me and the hot ones. they told me to sleep on the couch,while they shared the bed. after like 10 minutes, the 8 came out and climbed on me. we made out and she went back in the room. at this point i was like "wtf that's it?" and started walking past the bedroom to leave

as i was walking past, i decided fuck it. so i just went and climbed in the middle, expecting to be kicked out. the 8 started pulling my shirt off, and well it started escalating while the 7 laid next to us, rubbing my back. i started making out with her and groping her but she didnt let me get it in. so i fucked the 8 while the 7 kissed me and i groped her

now I'm back on the couch (i could imagine it turning really awkward in there, very quickly), trying to decide if I'm sober enough to drive home

I am happy for you. I want to see the pic of the dragon.

 

[ohyeah290]

wow jesus, the bottom of the bottle? holy fuck

but regarding your first story, it seems to be a common theme where the girl comes out, and we just go through the date just to not be a complete asshole

we need to figure out a way to bail without shattering her selfesteem forever

Yes. The bottom of the bottle. Ridiculous it could even fit. I felt very immasculated by that bottle.

And I think we all need to just be more assholes. Not our fault she was misleading.

 

[MrBoombastic]

Interesting how the majority of these stories point the fault at the lady. In my story this is not the case.

Several years ago I took a lovely young woman out to a Lakers game. I was rather infatuated with the gal, and in my zeal hadn't paid attention to where I parked my car. After the show, I was completely lost (so was she), and following a grueling 90 minute walk around the parking lot, I drove her home in silence. Upon arrival at her house, she left the vehicle without a word and I never heard from her again.

I might have been able to turn that situation into a memorable little mishap we could both laugh about, but my frustration had gotten the better of me, and I crashed and I burned.

Ohh man I somehow got lost as fuck in Orlando after bringing a girl to a show as a first date once. Was like 4 or 5 years ago. I don't know how I managed it, as I was completely sober. What's annoying though is that the date was going really well, and then the show ends, we leave, and I'm like shit... where did I park... I guess the 15 mins of wandering completely killed the mood. She was all pissed.

She ended up being all sorts of crazy, so I guess things worked out. Minnesota chicks are weird...

 

[bmasters1993]

mission accomplished

at great costs. fuck i just sat through like 3 hours of my little pony and the whole pixar movie, rio. i just sat in the back drinking. they acted like giving 9 year olds. they spent of the time giggling and breathing in helium to make funny voices. i wanted to shoot myself in the face. sometime during this, they started taking facebook pictures, but i avoided them out of fear of future embarrassment. to cheer me up, one girl told me she draws her friends as ponies and could draw me. i sarcastically said (in the voice of mac from always sunny), "yeah but to represent my muscular godlike physique, you'd have to draw me as a badass dragon"... THEN SHE FUCKING DID. SHE GOT A SKETCHPAD AND SPENT LIKE 30 MINUTES ON IT (will post tomorrow).

finally the fat weird girls left so it was just me and the hot ones. they told me to sleep on the couch,while they shared the bed. after like 10 minutes, the 8 came out and climbed on me. we made out and she went back in the room. at this point i was like "wtf that's it?" and started walking past the bedroom to leave

as i was walking past, i decided fuck it. so i just went and climbed in the middle, expecting to be kicked out. the 8 started pulling my shirt off, and well it started escalating while the 7 laid next to us, rubbing my back. i started making out with her and groping her but she didnt let me get it in. so i fucked the 8 while the 7 kissed me and i groped her

now I'm back on the couch (i could imagine it turning really awkward in there, very quickly), trying to decide if I'm sober enough to drive home

 

[shotgun charlie]

I used to be the horror on first dates..... One time I rocked on absolutely fucked up on e.... Can't remember what happened other than it didn't last long.... Another time I had a fight with some ass hole... This girl didn't think I was cool for fighting.. So that didn't last long. Another time wasn't really a first date as id kissed her when I met her and thus she pretty much was just coming round for sex... Any who I bust out the vodka and talk her into snorting lines off each other which subsequently leaves me flacid and Imobile down stairs and I end up jizzing with a limp dick after 3o mins of her jerking it to get it up.... That night wasn't a total lose because of my learnings about flacid ejaculation... But I didn't see the girl again. Men.

 

[BobbyMunson**]

mission accomplished

at great costs. fuck i just sat through like 3 hours of my little pony and the whole pixar movie, rio. i just sat in the back drinking. they acted like giving 9 year olds. they spent of the time giggling and breathing in helium to make funny voices. i wanted to shoot myself in the face. sometime during this, they started taking facebook pictures, but i avoided them out of fear of future embarrassment. to cheer me up, one girl told me she draws her friends as ponies and could draw me. i sarcastically said (in the voice of mac from always sunny), "yeah but to represent my muscular godlike physique, you'd have to draw me as a badass dragon"... THEN SHE FUCKING DID. SHE GOT A SKETCHPAD AND SPENT LIKE 30 MINUTES ON IT (will post tomorrow).

finally the fat weird girls left so it was just me and the hot ones. they told me to sleep on the couch,while they shared the bed. after like 10 minutes, the 8 came out and climbed on me. we made out and she went back in the room. at this point i was like "wtf that's it?" and started walking past the bedroom to leave

as i was walking past, i decided fuck it. so i just went and climbed in the middle, expecting to be kicked out. the 8 started pulling my shirt off, and well it started escalating while the 7 laid next to us, rubbing my back. i started making out with her and groping her but she didnt let me get it in. so i fucked the 8 while the 7 kissed me and i groped her

now I'm back on the couch (i could imagine it turning really awkward in there, very quickly), trying to decide if I'm sober enough to drive home

Well played sir

 

[equus]

about 10 years ago I met this girl at the bar I tended. She was a gorgeous blonde with a body like Trish Stratus. She gives me her number and I'm excited because I've seen her in the bar on many occasions. play it off like its no big deal and she asked me to call her after the bar. So I close and about 3 a.m. I call her. She invites me over to her house. We end up drinking and at some point we go to her bedroom. I wake up about 7 a.m...


At some point in the night, her water bed sprung a leak. Only she didn't have a water bed. at some point I had managed to put my boxers on in the night. Im on my back. I feel my junk and its dry but the sides of my boxers are very wet. She pissed this bed like she had the bladder the size of a dairy cow. I rolled out of the bed as if I was a special ops soldier. I collected my clothes and gingerly crept to her bathroom. Then the fact that I was covered in whiz made me take a shower regardless of whether or not I may wake her. I finished, threw my boxers in her trash and left her a note on her counter. "Hey I had a great time. Fyi I didnt pee the bed. My boxers were dry in the crotch. Call me."

Suprisingly, I never heard from her.

 

[equus]

mission accomplished

at great costs. fuck i just sat through like 3 hours of my little pony and the whole pixar movie, rio. i just sat in the back drinking. they acted like giving 9 year olds. they spent of the time giggling and breathing in helium to make funny voices. i wanted to shoot myself in the face. sometime during this, they started taking facebook pictures, but i avoided them out of fear of future embarrassment. to cheer me up, one girl told me she draws her friends as ponies and could draw me. i sarcastically said (in the voice of mac from always sunny), "yeah but to represent my muscular godlike physique, you'd have to draw me as a badass dragon"... THEN SHE FUCKING DID. SHE GOT A SKETCHPAD AND SPENT LIKE 30 MINUTES ON IT (will post tomorrow).

finally the fat weird girls left so it was just me and the hot ones. they told me to sleep on the couch,while they shared the bed. after like 10 minutes, the 8 came out and climbed on me. we made out and she went back in the room. at this point i was like "wtf that's it?" and started walking past the bedroom to leave

as i was walking past, i decided fuck it. so i just went and climbed in the middle, expecting to be kicked out. the 8 started pulling my shirt off, and well it started escalating while the 7 laid next to us, rubbing my back. i started making out with her and groping her but she didnt let me get it in. so i fucked the 8 while the 7 kissed me and i groped her

now I'm back on the couch (i could imagine it turning really awkward in there, very quickly), trying to decide if I'm sober enough to drive home

Good job brother!

 

[dawnignited]

mission accomplished

at great costs. fuck i just sat through like 3 hours of my little pony and the whole pixar movie, rio. i just sat in the back drinking. they acted like giving 9 year olds. they spent of the time giggling and breathing in helium to make funny voices. i wanted to shoot myself in the face. sometime during this, they started taking facebook pictures, but i avoided them out of fear of future embarrassment. to cheer me up, one girl told me she draws her friends as ponies and could draw me. i sarcastically said (in the voice of mac from always sunny), "yeah but to represent my muscular godlike physique, you'd have to draw me as a badass dragon"... THEN SHE FUCKING DID. SHE GOT A SKETCHPAD AND SPENT LIKE 30 MINUTES ON IT (will post tomorrow).

finally the fat weird girls left so it was just me and the hot ones. they told me to sleep on the couch,while they shared the bed. after like 10 minutes, the 8 came out and climbed on me. we made out and she went back in the room. at this point i was like "wtf that's it?" and started walking past the bedroom to leave

as i was walking past, i decided fuck it. so i just went and climbed in the middle, expecting to be kicked out. the 8 started pulling my shirt off, and well it started escalating while the 7 laid next to us, rubbing my back. i started making out with her and groping her but she didnt let me get it in. so i fucked the 8 while the 7 kissed me and i groped her

now I'm back on the couch (i could imagine it turning really awkward in there, very quickly), trying to decide if I'm sober enough to drive home