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It made me imagine him bringing a bag of human shit to the dinner table.
First date horror stories
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Met a girl at common hang out for U of Miami students, Cocowalk for those that know the area. Surprised as hell I even got the time with this one girl, she was a psych major dealing is speech development for kids, I'm 5' 8" and this girl was about 5' 11" from Venezuela. I was wearing a Pittsburgh Penguins shirt and she tells me how she's never been to a hockey game, so I ask.
Night of the game I pick her up, less than a half mile away from her place my car dies, my battery died and it was too late to get a new one. We walk back to her place and get her car. Because of this we don't have time to eat so we just drive to the game and I buy her some food there. She ends up driving back to her place, nice little two story town house. She tells me "you can sleep in the bed with me, but no funny business". I agree, one thing leads to another and funny business ensues. Note to any woman, don't invite a horny guy into your bed with you half naked and expect "no funny business", or you will not get one minute of sleep the entire night.
In the morning she asks if I want to go with her to get some arepas for breakfast. I say no, she decides to go get some anyways. So I fall back asleep. All a sudden I hear a bunch of voices almost all are male. One real deep voice yells out "Jennifer" which is the girls name. I hear footsteps come up the stairs, no sooner I look at her dresser and see a family photo, this girl was 5' 11" I see her dad in the picture is at least 6" taller than her. I make a mad dash for the bathroom and hope he doesn't have to go. Guy opens the bedroom door and again says "Jennifer?" then leaves and closes the door. About 30 minutes later the girl comes home, she doesn't come up stairs for a long time.
Finally she comes up stairs all nervous, she tells me downstairs is her dad, two uncles, two male cousins and the two cousins' wives, one of which is pregnant. The pregnant girl's mother and grandmother were flying in from Venezuela that day so they decided to have an impromptu baby shower and her mother and about a dozen more people including grandma and the mom were going to be there within the hour.
So I'm stuck in this girl's bedroom for basically the whole day, she occasionally snuck me food she wrapped in napkins and stuffed in her pocket and I was drinking water from the bathroom sink. She and I called it my "Anne Frank" experience.
As things turned out, after everyone left her dad decides he's too tired to drive home so he falls asleep on the couch. I end up climbing out of the second story window and jump down on some bushes to make my escape. I make my way all scraped up and bleeding from the bushes to find an auto store buy a battery and walk to my car.
Night of the game I pick her up, less than a half mile away from her place my car dies, my battery died and it was too late to get a new one. We walk back to her place and get her car. Because of this we don't have time to eat so we just drive to the game and I buy her some food there. She ends up driving back to her place, nice little two story town house. She tells me "you can sleep in the bed with me, but no funny business". I agree, one thing leads to another and funny business ensues. Note to any woman, don't invite a horny guy into your bed with you half naked and expect "no funny business", or you will not get one minute of sleep the entire night.
In the morning she asks if I want to go with her to get some arepas for breakfast. I say no, she decides to go get some anyways. So I fall back asleep. All a sudden I hear a bunch of voices almost all are male. One real deep voice yells out "Jennifer" which is the girls name. I hear footsteps come up the stairs, no sooner I look at her dresser and see a family photo, this girl was 5' 11" I see her dad in the picture is at least 6" taller than her. I make a mad dash for the bathroom and hope he doesn't have to go. Guy opens the bedroom door and again says "Jennifer?" then leaves and closes the door. About 30 minutes later the girl comes home, she doesn't come up stairs for a long time.
Finally she comes up stairs all nervous, she tells me downstairs is her dad, two uncles, two male cousins and the two cousins' wives, one of which is pregnant. The pregnant girl's mother and grandmother were flying in from Venezuela that day so they decided to have an impromptu baby shower and her mother and about a dozen more people including grandma and the mom were going to be there within the hour.
So I'm stuck in this girl's bedroom for basically the whole day, she occasionally snuck me food she wrapped in napkins and stuffed in her pocket and I was drinking water from the bathroom sink. She and I called it my "Anne Frank" experience.
As things turned out, after everyone left her dad decides he's too tired to drive home so he falls asleep on the couch. I end up climbing out of the second story window and jump down on some bushes to make my escape. I make my way all scraped up and bleeding from the bushes to find an auto store buy a battery and walk to my car.
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yeah, saw her for about six months after that. We still talk occasionally, she moved to Maryland and now pulls about $200K a year, shoulda married her.
Ended up meeting her father, really nice guy but he was freakin huge! I also found out he'd been a paratrooper in the same Venezuelan army unit as Hugo Chavez and for a little while was the Southeastern US distributor rep for Polar beer.
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this part had me rolling, haha.
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A similar thing happened to a friend of mine in high school. The girl invited him up, but he had to shimmy up the balcony and go in through her window since her parents were home. The chick's mom woke up, so he ran to hide in the tub. He hears some arguing between the girl and her mom, and the next thing he knows she throws open the shower curtain and screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" She grabbed a magazine and started beating him with it, but he was able to get up and break past her--bare assed naked, condom still in place--saying over and over "We weren't doing anything!!!" His escaped through the window and was hiding out on the side of the house for a good hour wearing nothing but a Trojan before the girl had the common sense to throw him down his clothes and car keys.
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met a girl at a hockey game, very plain looking nothing special but she was really into hockey and didn't think much of it romantically more as a friend. We exchange numbers and talk occasionally.
I get a phone call from her, she has tickets for a playoff game right behind the penalty box. She tells me "I'll take you, but you have to make me dinner" I ask what she wants she says something good like meatloaf. I go find a recipe for meatloaf and bake up a couple potatoes, creamed spinach and figure I'll buy her something at the game. She comes over and we have a quiet uneventful dinner. We go to the game and more of the same, just a nice time.
We get to my car in the parking lot and she starts getting really flirtly. The parking lot is a mess, cars pulling out everywhere. Pretty much like any major event any of you have been to. Well I'm trying to concentrate and she starts pinching me and feeling me up. I tell her "hold off, let me get out of this first", she keeps going grabbing at my crotch. Finally I say (sorry forgot her name) "so and so cut it out" she responds "so and so isn't here, this is so and so" so I think basically I'm dealing with a crazy bitch with multiple personalities. Finally I grab her seat belt and tie up her wrists and latch in the seat belt. This gets her more excited, she starts rubbing her wrists on her crotch and saying things like "I bet you are going to make me suck you off while I'm tied up". She reminded me of Ghostbuster, "I am the gatekeeper" she was really acting crazy. She kept saying really raunchy stuff and rubbing herself.
Finally we get back to my place, I untie her, get her out of my car and beeline to the house. I tell her thanks for the tickets and leave. If she wasn't so crazy I would have been up to bringing her in for the night but all I could think is "how am I going to get this bitch outta my house?"
About a day later I get a phone call from her asking what happened and why hadn't I called her. I tell her the way she acted and she says "oh, that was so and so, she does get wild, I'm really sorry about that. I'm nothing like her though". I just say thanks again and that's the last I ever talked to her.
I get a phone call from her, she has tickets for a playoff game right behind the penalty box. She tells me "I'll take you, but you have to make me dinner" I ask what she wants she says something good like meatloaf. I go find a recipe for meatloaf and bake up a couple potatoes, creamed spinach and figure I'll buy her something at the game. She comes over and we have a quiet uneventful dinner. We go to the game and more of the same, just a nice time.
We get to my car in the parking lot and she starts getting really flirtly. The parking lot is a mess, cars pulling out everywhere. Pretty much like any major event any of you have been to. Well I'm trying to concentrate and she starts pinching me and feeling me up. I tell her "hold off, let me get out of this first", she keeps going grabbing at my crotch. Finally I say (sorry forgot her name) "so and so cut it out" she responds "so and so isn't here, this is so and so" so I think basically I'm dealing with a crazy bitch with multiple personalities. Finally I grab her seat belt and tie up her wrists and latch in the seat belt. This gets her more excited, she starts rubbing her wrists on her crotch and saying things like "I bet you are going to make me suck you off while I'm tied up". She reminded me of Ghostbuster, "I am the gatekeeper" she was really acting crazy. She kept saying really raunchy stuff and rubbing herself.
Finally we get back to my place, I untie her, get her out of my car and beeline to the house. I tell her thanks for the tickets and leave. If she wasn't so crazy I would have been up to bringing her in for the night but all I could think is "how am I going to get this bitch outta my house?"
About a day later I get a phone call from her asking what happened and why hadn't I called her. I tell her the way she acted and she says "oh, that was so and so, she does get wild, I'm really sorry about that. I'm nothing like her though". I just say thanks again and that's the last I ever talked to her.
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There is no Dana, only Zuul.
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this guy, this guy here; he gets it
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I'm sure I've got a few more stories, but none that involve dating. I do have an oddball friend who's a serial self-cockblocker, though. It took him 4 different first dates before he realized that screening his date for a history of herpes and HPV wasn't the best dinner table, getting-to-know-you chat.
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You mean, you guys don't? :redface:
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Nah, he just asked in the middle of a first impression conversation. He's a hypochondriac and is neurotic when it comes to contracting illnesses. Unfortunately, I'm the guy he turns to in a panic for all his medical advice.
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after the stories I've told, I think you have my answer :wink:
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Not to mention the most uncomfortable of all situations EVAH: sitting as a passenger as the girl starts cussing out her ex.
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threesome
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I was driving the car in a similar situation. My wife and her ex were discussing some things with their accountant and she had asked me to go along 'for emotional support'. I'm waiting in the car, they come out and start talking. I was trying to stay out of it until he started raising his voice at her. I stepped out of my car, turned towards him right about the time my (now) wife drops the "oh yeah, and tell your aunt I said she's a f'ing c!" (full words, not SD edit) (this is from a woman who gets annoyed when I say anything more offensive than crap or damn...) I stepped back and sat down again, she obviously did not need my help. She was beat red when she got in the car. I asked if she was okay and she said "yeah, I just am embarrassed I said that. I don't know where it came from." lol She'd probably be annoyed I shared that story but hey, it's true.
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