First date horror stories

[Alex5124]

Decided to ask my friend's wife's sister out on a date back in the early 90's. We had Mexican food and I ordered the bean plate special since I was kinda strapped for cash at the time.

Got back to my friends house where she rented a room and low and behold her parents and older brother were there visiting. I sit on the big leather couch next to her and suddenly my stomach starts to rumbles and groan. There is no stopping the gas that is forming in my bowels so I try to cover the noise by scooting my ass on the couch...It kinda covers the noise but unfortunately the smell can't be concealed.

I excuse myself to the bathroom which is a total of about five feet away from where they are all sitting. I turn on the water faucet to full power hoping the running water just might cover up what I know is coming. I sit on the pot and carefully try to pass the conglomeration that has formed in my guts but it's of no use.... I blast out the loudest most obnoxious cacophony of rectal contents you could imagine.

From outside I hear her father say, "What the hell?" and her brother laughing while the mother said, "Shhhh you will hurt his feelings."

Knowing the gig was up I just plowed on through the rest of my dump knowing that any dignity I might have had was gone. The exiting of the bathroom was the biggest walk of shame I have ever taken and once I had returned to my seat the stench decided to follow me out like an old loyal dog.

It was our first and last date.

Fucking lol.

This might be the funniest thing I've ever read on Sherdog.

 

[Was Exiled]

#2

The Del Taco Psycho

My friend and I stop at Del taco before going back to his pad to party. The girl sounded hot so I bet my buddy before I saw her $20 that I would fuck her that night. We pull around and she is actually hot(WTF). I gave her my friends # because I broke my phone the day before and told her to call me and Ill pick her up after her shift. To my surprise she calls me 45 minutes later.

I bring her back to my buddies pad, say no more than 2 sentences to her and then take her to my house. We starting hooking up and fucking. This is where it gets PSYCHO.

She starts crying hysterically! I ask her whats wrong and she says, "I love you and I know this will work out."

I keep pumping for a minute while being freaked out. I then stop not wanting this girl to accuse me of rape. When I stop she starts crying even harder. My dumbass asks her why to where she says, no joke," your stopping just like my dad did."

Now im really scared as she proceeds to tell me about being raped by her dad her whole life but the cops never did anything. I finally convince her we are going to go get food and to get in my truck. I then drove to her Del Taco, opened the door and kicked her out at 4am. Cold blooded I know but I thought she was gonna kill me.

So like I said she never had my number cause I gave her my buddies number. Over the next 2 months she is constantly leaving him voicemails anything from suicidal to going to track me down and kill me. He changed his number.

It doesnt stop there. A couple months later I start dating another girl. Every day for 2 weeks there was a car parked at the bottom of my driveway(about 100 yards long). Every time I go outside it takes off. Well one day after pounding out my new girl she leaves. I get a frantic call 5 minutes later that a car is chasing her and trying to ram her off the road. She pulls into her driveway, runs inside and calls the cops, nothing happens. A couple nights later her car was vandalized.

Now I dont know for sure that that was the DTPsy but I would have to assume so.

the fuck

 

[FwappyEnding]

Squirting gun, be careful... that first story will bring you the dubs... granted, the story + your username= legit lol

 

[Squirting Gun]

Squirting gun, be careful... that first story will bring you the dubs... granted, the story + your username= legit lol

Thanks man I thought so but there is no other way to convey the destruction. Also many people had just as bad stuff in their stories. I gotta chance this one.

 

[neverwas]

i got one from way back,spent the night drinking with a hot girl who was a couple of years older than me,so we get hammered,go back to her place and she invites me in. i think I'm in here. we go in and her parents are there sitting in the kitchen. so i try to act as sober as possible and say hi and start some chat. she asks me if i want a drink,so i say yes please. what i didn't know was she was a health food freak. so she hands me a drink and says take a seat,the only place to sit is a camping chair. so trying to act sober i put the drink down and sit in the chair,and this is where it starts going wrong.

i sit in the chair and go straight over backwards and hit my head on the cabinet door,knocking a dirty great hole in it,i jump up apologising profusely and getting really embarrassed,her dad says not to worry and to relax. the girl just laughs it off and says try the drink she's made. so i take a big swig,and swallow it. as soon as it touches my stomach i knew i was in trouble,it came back up faster than it went down,bring with it about 10 pints of lager and a large quantity of rum and black. i unloaded this lot into her mums lap,across the kitchen and all over her sink. how the hell was i supposed to know the drink she made had raw eggs in it.

 

[ahme4]

I have a few... Heres #1

This is a more of a rekindle turned into horror story.

I was with my ex from 18-20, lived together with her sis and my bro who end up getting married later on down the road. My ex and I split at 20.

Fast forward 6 years. My bro and her sis are having their second baby at the hospital that her and her sister had worked at for 7 years. My ex comes to pick me up to get some drinks before my nephew was born because it was gonna be a long day. We had been talking about giving it a second try because we had been friends our whole lives and still had something for each other.

After a full afternoon of drinking we get to the hospital(I was downing whiskey the whole time she was driving). Right before my sister in law gives birth I have to take a bad shit so my ex brings me to the special nurses bathroom so I didnt have to use the public one. I must have been drunkier than I thought because I sat all the way back so my b-hole mustve been angled to the back of the seat. I proceed to let it fly and shit literally goes everywhere, all over the floor/walls, outside of the toilet and myself. It was so explosive I couldnt stop once I started.

After I stood there in horror looking at the crime scene I just layed out, I start trying to clean everything with paper towels throwing them in the toilet to flush. With shit still everywhere I flushed and the toilet backed up and started overflowing like the Niagra causing me to vomit into the flowing abyss. In fear I just ran out and went back to the delivery room.

My ex asks what took me so long so I just said my stomach hurt, forgetting full well it was HER private bathroom. She went to go get us snacks from that area later and came back in horror. Its been 5 years and I see her 6-8 times a year, she hasnt looked me in the eyes ever since.

 

[Organic Damage]

Holy shit Squirting Gun just solo'd this thread.

 

[sub_thug]

I don't know if this counts, but my friend just sent me a text saying that last night, he was asked by a couple if he would nail the girlfriend while the boyfriend watches. Apparently, some people are into that. I will post the story when he calls me back with the details.

I'm very surprised how many grown men are pissing, shitting, and vomiting everywhere. It's a really disturbing percentage of the population, and by the nature that you can remember your own stories, means that you weren't blackout drunk. Definitely some questions raised.

 

[Kadafi]

#2

The Del Taco Psycho

My friend and I stop at Del taco before going back to his pad to party. The girl sounded hot so I bet my buddy before I saw her $20 that I would fuck her that night. We pull around and she is actually hot(WTF). I gave her my friends # because I broke my phone the day before and told her to call me and Ill pick her up after her shift. To my surprise she calls me 45 minutes later.

I bring her back to my buddies pad, say no more than 2 sentences to her and then take her to my house. We starting hooking up and fucking. This is where it gets PSYCHO.

She starts crying hysterically! I ask her whats wrong and she says, "I love you and I know this will work out."

I keep pumping for a minute while being freaked out. I then stop not wanting this girl to accuse me of rape. When I stop she starts crying even harder. My dumbass asks her why to where she says, no joke," your stopping just like my dad did."

Now im really scared as she proceeds to tell me about being raped by her dad her whole life but the cops never did anything. I finally convince her we are going to go get food and to get in my truck. I then drove to her Del Taco, opened the door and kicked her out at 4am. Cold blooded I know but I thought she was gonna kill me.

So like I said she never had my number cause I gave her my buddies number. Over the next 2 months she is constantly leaving him voicemails anything from suicidal to going to track me down and kill me. He changed his number.

It doesnt stop there. A couple months later I start dating another girl. Every day for 2 weeks there was a car parked at the bottom of my driveway(about 100 yards long). Every time I go outside it takes off. Well one day after pounding out my new girl she leaves. I get a frantic call 5 minutes later that a car is chasing her and trying to ram her off the road. She pulls into her driveway, runs inside and calls the cops, nothing happens. A couple nights later her car was vandalized.

Now I dont know for sure that that was the DTPsy but I would have to assume so.

 

[Merlotte's]

Damn Squirt Gun.

 

[Bukowski82]

BRB, going to Del Taco for lunch.

 

[strangejosh]

The Crazy Cat Lady:

Spoiler

About a month ago, I'm doing some serious Day drinking with some buddies downtown. We notice this gorgeous blonde girl sitting all by herself at the bar eating a salad wedge and drinking a PBR and I laughed and thought, now that's my kind of girl. She's piqued the interest of everyone at the place, including my friends who are all talking about getting her over to drink with us... But no ones done anything yet. I watched some idiot plea bargain himself a temporary set of testicles, go over and get shut down hard... Now I'm really liking this girl. So on my way back from the bathroom, being about three drinks deep... I thought 'what the hell' and walked over to her.

She looks at me while I was walking up and I notice she has the most piercing green eyes, so I give her the most backhanded compliment I could think of and said "Are those Contacts?" She smiles at first, then thinks about what I had just asked and replies that they aren't while looking confused. As if she couldn't tell if I was being a dick or not... I pointed in the general direction of the guy from earlier and joked that she was cold for shutting that him down and she replied that he wasn't her type of guy, but with a bit of a sly smirk. So, I asked her why she was sitting by herself and she tells me that she just moved from another city for work and doesn't really know anyone yet. So I told her that she was coming over to meet some awesome people and that we were doing a shot. She came with me, seemed grateful for the invite to actually meet people and does not just one, but two shots with us... And this girl is awesome... She's talking sports, talking shots and even giving my buddy shit for being such a pussy because he was drinking a chick drink.

We're both having a great time, so we all head over to a different spot... It's the just two of us in our own conversation now and I could sense it was going very well which was further compounded when I upped my game by telling her I thought we were going to be good friends/that she should come hang out with us whenever she wanted, really emphasizing the 'us...' meaning all of us. She looked bewildered by that comment and it took her five minutes of us talking about something else before she said "So... when you say friends, do you mean you've already decided there's no chance we're going to be anything else."

*Just a little Pro-tip, Fella's: When dealing with a girl that's used to having guys fall all over themselves for her, be a gentleman at all times, but treat her this exact way. In fact, Friendzone her...

So I just laughed it off, joked with her about something else and quickly changed the subject. But that damage to her ego had already been done and even worse, I'd joked it off... not denied it. That was the last push to her working for my attention that I needed, because about thirty minutes later, I feel her hand on my leg. We go outside for something and it's definitely on... We start making out. And then she's like "Why don't we go back to my place in a bit. It's just up the street." So I agree and we all hit another spot before just the two of us head back to her place... We get there and it's a decent place. Studio, but a nice building.

We walk in, her cat is sitting on her bed and she introduces us. Like... Formally introduces us. I'm a little drunk and thought it was funny, but then it starts... She begins to baby talk her cat... for a while. And you know when someone is doing something so uncomfortable that all you can do is laugh and hope they take the uncomfortable laugh hint and just stop... but somehow they just keep right on going? But even still, she kept right on doing it for a really awkward amount of time. So, now I'm a little suspicious. This girl has been unbelievably cool the entire night and now she's holding a full on baby-talk conversation with her cat after the formal introductions to it. I start to think she's blowing me off and get the clarification that is exactly what's happening when, while she's launching into a whole scenario about how she got the cat and their road trip here together, I text my Best Friend (Who happens to be a girl) to ask her what this could be about and she tells me "Yeah, she's blowing you off."

So, being a Gentleman... I decide to just leave. But it was so over the top I was slightly offended at the way in which she was choosing to do it. So, I just made it simple, smiled and said "Hey thanks for the tour (It was a studio) but I actually should head back to meet my friends for a bit." She gives me a disappointed face I can't read and says ok, I guess I'll see you around. And just like that... I'm out of there. But her reaction confused me and as I'm walking back to the strip where my friends were and now that I finally have a chance to check out her facebook (We added each other earlier that night) I notice that the last five posts on her wall are about her Cat. I go a little further and literally every other post is related her cat...

And I'm not just talking about simple "Hey, here's my cat..." With a picture of it and then just calling it a day. I'm talking about multiple pictures of the cat with multiple hashtags for each one like #handsome, #Gato, #ilovemycat and my personal favorite #fancyfeast. She even had the song he was named after in between these posts with a reference to the little guy.

Huge bullet dodged.

She began texting me almost immediately asking why I left in such a hurry and if everything was ok. I could have lived with the fact that a seriously hot girl was blowing me off... But this scenario just disturbs me.

She just text me today and simply said "Round Two Sat???"

It took everything I had not to reply: That would be a no... #crazycatlady #thanksanyways #enjoydatcatdoe

This.....is insane. Love this thread.

 

[KOPower24]

I think Squirting Gun wins the thread. Officially.

 

[Kadafi]

 

[Goonerview]

So earlier this week the online dating thread got me back into POF. I just had my first date from there, and it went pretty bad. Anyone else have some bad stories to share as well?

I'll tell mine, but its pretty long and a shortened version wouldnt do it justice, you can skip reading it and just tell yours if you like,

It was a cute girl who messaged me, at least 8/10, so after some messaging and texting, we made plans for today. When I first pulled up to her house, there was a car with a pissed off looking dude parked in front, at this point my instincts told me to run and I should've listened. However, I called her and she told me it was her brother and to park around the corner and shed come to my car. I did, and when she came to my car she was at least 30-40 lbs heavier than her picture (she later mentioned that her pictures were over a year old). Once again, I wanted to stomp the gas and leave, but I didnt want to hurt her feelings so I let her in.

I originally planned to go to a nice restaurant, but by then I just wanted to cut my losses get through the date. So I scaled back and took her to Red Robin. The entire time, she was texting. She would talk to me, then just stop and text, ignoring anything going on, like she hit the pause button on life, then suddenly hit play and act like no time has passed. It took her less than 10 minutes to start telling me about her ex drama. I completely phased out and was just watching NBA on the tv behind her head, she didnt notice at all. THEN, she got creepy. She just started going on about how handsome I am (bitch is blind, im ugly as shit) and how lucky she is to eat with me. She got really quiet and pensive for a minute then SHE LITERALLY ASKED ME TO BE HER BOYFRIEND AND ASKED MY WEEKLY SCHEDULE SO SHE CAN PLAN ALL OF OUR DATES. I laughed it off, asked for the check, then thought better of it and just handed the server enough money to easily cover the bill+tip.

The whole car ride back to her house, she kept trying to make out with me and also demonstrate how good of a singer she is by singing full volume along with the radio. Once we got to her house, HER FUCKING EX WAS STILL SITTING OUT FRONT. So i parked around the corner (still thinking it was her brother) and thats when she told me who it was. I then told her "it was nice meeting you, so...", before she cut me off and asked if I wanted to sneak past her ex and come in. I declined and left as fast as I could.


Im still trying to process what the fuck just happened. I didnt know I signed up for this.

Nice anecdote!!

In b4 generic "pics of GTFO" posts!

 

[sub_thug]

As promised from yesterday, my friend just gave me a great story. It was better than I could have hoped for, and I wanted to share it with all of you.

NOTE: This is not a horror story, but it belongs here anyways.

So my friend (we will call him Mike) meets this girl (we will call her Brittany). They get to talking, and really hit it off. Brittany asks Mike if he would like to come over the next night. She mentions that she and her boyfriend would love to have him over. At this point, Mike is not happy about the situation. Obviously, being the red-blooded male that he is, he was hoping to score. He even mentions to Brittany that if he was coming over to her place to hang out, it wouldn't be to sit around with her and her boyfriend. Nonchalantly, she replies, "No, we can still have sex. My boyfriend just likes to watch." Game on.

The next night, Mike goes over there, and knocks on the door. He is feel apprehensive about the whole situation, as he doesn't want to be chopped up into little pieces. His fears come to the forefront when the massive boyfriend answers the door in a white t-shirt and "K-Mart brand sweat pants," according to Mike. He's about 6'2 and 210 lbs, while Mike is about 5'10 and 165 lbs. The boyfriend lets Mike in, and they all take a seat on the couch. The awkward tension in the room is palpable, and the fact that American Ninja Warrior is on the tv doesn't make it any better. They all get to talking, and Brittany mentions that she's a teacher. Teachers and nurses always seem to be the kinkiest ones.

After a little bit of talking, Brittany starts making out with Mike. The boyfriend is sitting there, not minding it at all. Not long after, Brittany starts giving Mike some head. Once she starts doing that, the boyfriend starts jerking off with both hands inside his sweatpants. As Mike is telling me this story, I was howling with laughter at this point. Mike returns the favor by going down on her too. There are some details that I have to leave out about what happened while this was going on because I'll get banned. What I can say is that Brittany and a Super Soaker ended up having a lot in common. After all the foreplay, and before the sex, Brittany turns over to her boyfriend and says, "What are you doing over there?" He responds by saying, "Oh, just taking notes..." This thing where someone else nails your girlfriend/wife while you watch is absolutely baffling to me.

At this point, there's only one thing left to do. Brittany asks Mike if he wants to wear a condom, which he does out of fear of catching something (as though he hadn't already exposed himself to whatever nasty diseases that she's got), and they get to work. At some point during this, the boyfriend has completely taken his pants off, and is going wild on himself. Mike was terrified, and says that he has a newfound respect for people who do porn. Between the boyfriend and American Ninja Warrior, he claims that it was incredibly hard to focus.

Once the deed was over, they claim that Mike was the first person that they let do this, but he believes that to be a bold-faced lie. And it turns out that the boyfriend and Brittany had been dating a grand total of 3 months. I thought one of the more humorous elements of the story was that Mike asked the boyfriend to use the bathroom, and the boyfriend responds with, "No dude. You can have sex with my girlfriend, but using my bathroom is where I draw the line." He's making jokes about it! Of course, for good measure, and because it's Mike, he went out on a date immediately following this encounter. He nailed that girl as well, but there is no story to tell.

 

[ElKarlo]

^ WTF wow man! I would have no idea how to react to that sit, heck I wouldn't even go over in the first place.

 

[whitesport]

Teachers and nurses always seem to be the kinkiest ones.

Only topped by kindergarten workers. They

 

[ElKarlo]

Only topped by kindergarten workers. They

 

[equus]

#2

The Del Taco Psycho

My friend and I stop at Del taco before going back to his pad to party. The girl sounded hot so I bet my buddy before I saw her $20 that I would fuck her that night. We pull around and she is actually hot(WTF). I gave her my friends # because I broke my phone the day before and told her to call me and Ill pick her up after her shift. To my surprise she calls me 45 minutes later.

I bring her back to my buddies pad, say no more than 2 sentences to her and then take her to my house. We starting hooking up and fucking. This is where it gets PSYCHO.

She starts crying hysterically! I ask her whats wrong and she says, "I love you and I know this will work out."

I keep pumping for a minute while being freaked out. I then stop not wanting this girl to accuse me of rape. When I stop she starts crying even harder. My dumbass asks her why to where she says, no joke," your stopping just like my dad did."

Now im really scared as she proceeds to tell me about being raped by her dad her whole life but the cops never did anything. I finally convince her we are going to go get food and to get in my truck. I then drove to her Del Taco, opened the door and kicked her out at 4am. Cold blooded I know but I thought she was gonna kill me.

So like I said she never had my number cause I gave her my buddies number. Over the next 2 months she is constantly leaving him voicemails anything from suicidal to going to track me down and kill me. He changed his number.

It doesnt stop there. A couple months later I start dating another girl. Every day for 2 weeks there was a car parked at the bottom of my driveway(about 100 yards long). Every time I go outside it takes off. Well one day after pounding out my new girl she leaves. I get a frantic call 5 minutes later that a car is chasing her and trying to ram her off the road. She pulls into her driveway, runs inside and calls the cops, nothing happens. A couple nights later her car was vandalized.

Now I dont know for sure that that was the DTPsy but I would have to assume so.

this reminds me of the time my old roommate Robert banged this chick that worked at a Jack Stack barbeque with him. he was in his 20's and she was like 19. well he hit it and then moved to Atlanta like 5 dys later to take another job. that left me and his brother to live in our townhouse while one of our buddies finished out his lease for a month before he moved in. so John (Roberts brother) and I both worked at a bar and worked together a lot. so our house was without anyone in it a lot that month, well on occasion, we would come home to a door open (just unlocked) and a tv on.

one Saturday am, John and I went to grab some IHOP or something and when we left, we noticed a car sitting at the end of our driveway across the street. someone sitting in it. thought nothing of it. we came back an hour and a half later, still there. so he and I go in and play madden or something half the day. then around 3pm my fwb came by for some nookie. she comes in and one of the first things she says is "you guys know theres a girl sitting in a car across the street?" I look at John and have an oh shit moment. I look outside and sure enough, shes still sitting there. 6-7 hours later. I say the hell with it and walk out to talk to her. as im crossing the street, her car fires up and she tears off. so im like ok, weird. I go in and my fwb and I do our thing. she leaves around 5pm or so and almost immediately she calls me and says "shes back again. this time down the street on the opposite side, like 4 houses down." I look out and as I do, a squad car pulls up and as she sees it, she tries to pull away. as she does, it lights her up and ironically she has to stop right in front of our townhouse. so a backup unit arrives and after 15 minutes when John and I are sitting on our steps, the second officer walks up and asks which one of us is Robert? John starts laughing hysterically and says "that's my brother. he moved away." well it turned out that was the chick he used to work with and apparently she had a huge ass butcher knife in her car. I guess she was mad because she liked Robert and he wouldn't return her calls, because he banged her and moved to Atlanta. they ended up arresting her for stalking or something and a neighbor had seen her out there for a couple hours the second time and called it in. when they did an inventory of her car while they were showing us the knife, John and I both noticed a very distinct Cornhuskers key (that's where Robert and John were from) that Robert had lost. turns out that psycho had stolen it when they banged, or at work. she was going in our townhouse when we weren't home.