Getting a Divorce After 15 Years

[n...not crazy]

I hear ya man. Marital issues I can get thru, but infidelity is something u can't come back from. She cheated
And we do have kids

Ugh. Nightmare. Cheating is unforgivable and I'd divorce too. Well... or I'd stick with it but make her life a living hell just for fun.

you were also in agreement about being married and what that meant.
get the fucking lawyer.

Yep. Someone is gonna get in her ear at some point, and you're gonna get ass raped with a cheese grater. Protect yourself at all times.

 

[fungi]

Ts, after reading all of this, dang! No advice. I wouldn't wish your grief on my enemy.

Hang in there, bro! It'll get better! I know it's all cliché, blah-blah-blah. Time will heal.
Keep in touch, friends, family, whoever. If it's too painful to be around friends, be around strangers.

A grief shared is a grief halved.

 

[ultimateriley-o]

I got divorced in April after 8 years married. Started getting back in the weight room after a few years away, and re-dedicated myself at work. Got promoted and in better shape.

The best revenge is living well, and if you had an amicable split and you bear no ill will toward your ex, your goal should be to move on. The best way to do that is to improve yourself physically, financially, socially, mentally. That comes from how you spend your days and minutes.

 

[TeTe]

I never really saw the point of getting married unless you had kids so here I am 40 and never been married. But, I'll be getting married next year as I'm starting to see the financial benefits now that we're buying a house next year and I'm going to get on her amazing health insurance plan.

But honestly, I'm glad I waited this long. Plus it's nice finding someone else who doesn't want kids.

 

[HUGHPHUG]

If we didn't have kids I'd be out, no hesitation, easy decision. But we got 5 kids, oldest is 13

She feels horrible, ashamed, regret.....and I do believe her. She fucked up, and made a huge mistake. I get that part. But I just can't look at her the same. I thought about all the options,.....leave, split the kids, stay and work it out. But I just can't get the thoughts out my head. We were the love of each other's lives at one point.
But the kids man,....it tears me up, breaks my heart into a million pieces thinking about what a split will do.
My son is autistic, he's nonverbal and is severe on the spectrum.
I don't know what to do. Neither of us can take care of the kids alone. But I can't move passed what she did. She'll even allow me to fuck someone if I need to get even, if it means staying with her.
I believe in my heart she regrets it and is remorseful. She's been crying ever since. Of course she wasn't gonna tell me about the cheating. Just stop what she's doing and recommit to our marriage is what she had planned.
So I don't know what to do. I can't begin to imagine losing the kids, or splitting them. But I don't think I can stay married to her and forgive her and ever love her the same again. She understands too, and will accept any decision I make because in the end she truly wants me to be happy. And if it's not with her, she accepts the consequences

Damn bro that's a tough one only you can answer, but my instinct is that both of you owe everything to your kids, especially the little guy you take care of day in and day out.

I feel like he should be the main reason you do anything, I know you have a lot to get past (if you ever can) but you have to be there for him at the very least.

Loads of kids go through a parents divorce and are 100% fine, but you have one that is extra special, whatever you do has to be for him, no one else

peace brother

 

[method115]

Hit the treadmill? Join a gym? Get back into shape? Coke n whores?

All of the above.

 

[djacobox372]

Sorry to hear this man. Separated from my wife as we speak. She just came out with the I don't love you anymore speech. Got 2 small kids too.

WTF does "love" have to do with marriage?

I never understood why people are so willing to traumatize their kids buy breaking up the family just because they're "lonely for love." How can you be so selfish? This is on the same lines as those who stay with someone who abuses their kids because they "love him." Sorry but "love" isn't as important as your kids well-being.

Raise the kids, be a friend to your spouse, and then go "looking for love" like a stupid teenager once your responsibilities have subsided.

 

[HunterSdVa29]

i suggest Bumble
not Tinder, or POF, or OKC, etc..

Specifically Bumble

 

[Oblivian]

Do people even read the thread? Do you really think this guy is going to have time for dating apps? He's the main caretaker of the 5 kids.

 

[IloveTHIS]

If we didn't have kids I'd be out, no hesitation, easy decision. But we got 5 kids, oldest is 13

She feels horrible, ashamed, regret.....and I do believe her. She fucked up, and made a huge mistake. I get that part. But I just can't look at her the same. I thought about all the options,.....leave, split the kids, stay and work it out. But I just can't get the thoughts out my head. We were the love of each other's lives at one point.
But the kids man,....it tears me up, breaks my heart into a million pieces thinking about what a split will do.
My son is autistic, he's nonverbal and is severe on the spectrum.
I don't know what to do. Neither of us can take care of the kids alone. But I can't move passed what she did. She'll even allow me to fuck someone if I need to get even, if it means staying with her.
I believe in my heart she regrets it and is remorseful. She's been crying ever since. Of course she wasn't gonna tell me about the cheating. Just stop what she's doing and recommit to our marriage is what she had planned.
So I don't know what to do. I can't begin to imagine losing the kids, or splitting them. But I don't think I can stay married to her and forgive her and ever love her the same again. She understands too, and will accept any decision I make because in the end she truly wants me to be happy. And if it's not with her, she accepts the consequences

IMO stay with her but fuck not 1 women but 10. Don't tell her about any of them. Basically just fuck whoever you want whenever you want for as long as you want but let her think you are taking the high road and not punishing her for being a whore.

I'm a really petty person so I would also "accidentally" tell the kids what she did when they are older. Maybe......


disclaimer: dont take my advice

 

[Midnighter]

You should definitely get a lawyer.

Don't be blinded by your emotions to the reality of your situation.

 

[SalvadorAllende]

If we didn't have kids I'd be out, no hesitation, easy decision. But we got 5 kids, oldest is 13

She feels horrible, ashamed, regret.....and I do believe her. She fucked up, and made a huge mistake. I get that part. But I just can't look at her the same. I thought about all the options,.....leave, split the kids, stay and work it out. But I just can't get the thoughts out my head. We were the love of each other's lives at one point.
But the kids man,....it tears me up, breaks my heart into a million pieces thinking about what a split will do.
My son is autistic, he's nonverbal and is severe on the spectrum.
I don't know what to do. Neither of us can take care of the kids alone. But I can't move passed what she did. She'll even allow me to fuck someone if I need to get even, if it means staying with her.
I believe in my heart she regrets it and is remorseful. She's been crying ever since. Of course she wasn't gonna tell me about the cheating. Just stop what she's doing and recommit to our marriage is what she had planned.
So I don't know what to do. I can't begin to imagine losing the kids, or splitting them. But I don't think I can stay married to her and forgive her and ever love her the same again. She understands too, and will accept any decision I make because in the end she truly wants me to be happy. And if it's not with her, she accepts the consequences

5 kids... wow.

Any possibility of living under the same roof and sleeping in separated bedrooms? Would that work for a while until you figure out what are you going to do and how?

After reading everything you posted I feel that a part of you wants nothing to do with the divorce.

Seek for professional advice. Not just lawyers but some psychologist too.

BTW. I think that the lies are worst than sleeping with other person but that is just me. I think everybody can slip at one point but lying to your partner about it is on a different level. You need to be able to blindly trust the other person.

 

[SammyPops]

Do people even read the thread? Do you really think this guy is going to have time for dating apps? He's the main caretaker of the 5 kids.

He could hire an Asian nanny then date that nanny.

 

[Snackbar]

Let me start off by saying I'm not trying to be a dick, just giving you my honest take.

You say you resented your wife and treated her wrong for years, as well as packed on weight and look like shit. This doesn't excuse cheating, but you got to own your part in this man. Every guy ITT telling you to lawyer up and drop her would absolutely cheat on their wives if they got fat and bitchy, ignore their shit advice.
You and her are grown ups with 5 kids who depend on you. Sit her down and work on fixing this. Curb your ego, and do what's best for your kids.

 

[TigerUpperKut]

IMO stay with her but fuck not 1 women but 10. Don't tell her about any of them. Basically just fuck whoever you want whenever you want for as long as you want but let her think you are taking the high road and not punishing her for being a whore.

I'm a really petty person so I would also "accidentally" tell the kids what she did when they are older. Maybe......


disclaimer: dont take my advice

she said she'd let me fuck another woman if i felt the need to get even

5 kids... wow.

Any possibility of living under the same roof and sleeping in separated bedrooms? Would that work for a while until you figure out what are you going to do and how?

After reading everything you posted I feel that a part of you wants nothing to do with the divorce.

Seek for professional advice. Not just lawyers but some psychologist too.

BTW. I think that the lies are worst than sleeping with other person but that is just me. I think everybody can slip at one point but lying to your partner about it is on a different level. You need to be able to blindly trust the other person.

we are living together still. this literally happened the night before i made this thread.
we've been talking about everything these past couple of days. she is currently waiting for me to decide what i'm gonna do.

you're right, i wish i didn't have to divorce and rip my family apart. but i don't know if i can stay with her and love her the same. it wouldn't be fair for either of us. if i stayed it would be for the kids. and maybe just love her half of what it used to be

 

[TigerUpperKut]

Let me start off by saying I'm not trying to be a dick, just giving you my honest take.

You say you resented your wife and treated her wrong for years, as well as packed on weight and look like shit. This doesn't excuse cheating, but you got to own your part in this man. Every guy ITT telling you to lawyer up and drop her would absolutely cheat on their wives if they got fat and bitchy, ignore their shit advice.
You and her are grown ups with 5 kids who depend on you. Sit her down and work on fixing this. Curb your ego, and do what's best for your kids.

you're not being a dick at all. you're telling it like how you see it.

and let me be clear, i definitely own my part in it. i never abused her verbally or physically, i never treated her like shit. i was just neglectful in showing her how much i love her. the 15 years wasn't horrible by any means. but i totally understand how she got to the dark path she took.
my kids are my world, and i will give up my happiness for them. if i have to stay for them i will. but my wife doesn't want that for me. she wants me to be happy even if it means it's with someone else. we can live apart and co-parent, that's another option too.

 

[TigerUpperKut]

Damn bro that's a tough one only you can answer, but my instinct is that both of you owe everything to your kids, especially the little guy you take care of day in and day out.

I feel like he should be the main reason you do anything, I know you have a lot to get past (if you ever can) but you have to be there for him at the very least.

Loads of kids go through a parents divorce and are 100% fine, but you have one that is extra special, whatever you do has to be for him, no one else

peace brother

it's good to see you brotha, thanks for the positivity man. been a long while since i last logged in, i wasn't sure if anyone would remember me

yes we both agree that the kids need to be and will be taken care of either way this concludes

 

[TigerUpperKut]

Just out of curiosity was it a really bad decision one time thing on her part or a prolonged affair.
If you dont want to answer I completely understand.
Either way sorry to hear it. That is an awful spot to be in. I had an ex girlfriend cheat on me and
it sucks for a long time. I cant imagine the same situation in a long marriage.

Stay strong and exercise, do your best to not get lost in a bottle and drink alot while you are going through this.

she had met up with the guy 3 times. sex was involved 2 of those times. all in a span of about 2-3 weeks. and she had planned on meeting him again this weekend for the last time. her plan was to see him again and cut that off, and recommit to me and our marriage. but i caught her so here we are.

 

[TigerUpperKut]

Woman will not respect a man who knew she'd cheated on him and still took her back.

You can't build a family without respect.

P.s. imho.

Ts, keep your social connections updated, do not go hermit. Friends, family, co-workers, whoever, keep in touch with people/communicate/go out. Not necessarily a party animal. Just be and keep in touch.
It'll get better.

with no kids its a no brainer for me. idk if you have kids or have experienced this, but i always told myself if my wife cheats, we're done. and now that i am facing this very scenario, it is absolutely not that cut and dry. the thought of daddy or mommy not around anymore, only occasionally or briefly, going places with only one of us, or spending time in one place, then it's time to go stay at the other place, the questions they'd ask,.........all that makes it a lot harder to just say i'm done, pick up and leave. i see my kids faces and i tear up man, i can't believe i will be hurting them if i divorce my wife

 

[TheJewBear]

He could hire an Asian nanny then date that nanny.

I'll always support any advice that includes banging an asian girl