Relationship How to help someone out of an abusive marriage?

[Alphaboy]

She chose her lot. It's best to just let people like that go. Trying to help them will only cause you ruin, and the husband might kill you over it.

I feel bad saying that, but it's the truth. You cannot save everyone.

And chose to have a kid with him... let alone 5!

Any silly girl can run around sleeping with bad boys or losers, letting one knock you up is a different story. You are making a lifelong connection to him... a willing one for whatever reason.

 

[TeTe]

5. Then you don't talk for a while, and one day she calls you and asks for your help leaving him. She swears she's really gonna do it this time. Then just repeat steps 1-4.

Or in my case she calls you years later, finally out of that marriage, and wants to reunite. Only for me to tell hear that I got married and moved to another state... then realizes that she fucked up.

Although in my case, I dated her before she got into the abusive marriage.

 

[William Huggins]

Ermmm maybe it's not as clear cut as you think, there's not always one clear case of black and white and you really need to step back and explore it from a distance and definitely not from the lens of some sort of white knight.......

A very large degree of accountability needs to be taken into account.... Adults are involved.....

 

[560ti]

Why do girls go after bad guys nothing good comes out of it

Because psychologically a lot of traits that abusive men have (confidence, assertiveness, strength, risk taking, arrogance) are generally speaking attractive to a good amount of women

In my adult life the women I know that were in abusive relationships all had abuse in their childhood either via toxic relationships in their teenage years or having a terrible home life so that cycle was the only thing they knew.

A lot of people now a days (especially with childhood divorce being common or parents hating each other but staying married for the kids sake) have never actually been around or associated with a healthy relationship. As far as they know they have zero clue what healthy is

 

[Tuvatuva]

- Fun & Excitement
- Immaturity
- Low self-esteem
- Chasing validation
- Ignoring it due to sexual attraction to other qualities.

There are a plethora of reasons.

Exactly so she likes it and will treat anybody that get in the way like trash no matter if he treats her good or want to help her. Fucked up mind set with these girls

It's in women's hypergamous nature. Women want men whom they perceive as high value and one of the ways this is exhibited is in "bad boys." Bad boys don't respect them, they have other chicks, which to a woman's brain means he has options, so therefore he must be high value. Women also get off on emotional stimulation, and the drama from dating bad boys does that. Every chick has at least one (usually more than one) experience with a narcistic, manipulative guy who played games with them and they love that shit as much as they complain about it. The details may change with age and culture, the bad boy could come in the form of a motorcycle riding bad boy, a drug dealer, or high powered stock broker, but it's all the same overarching theme. I had younger women tell me that they like to think of me as an older guy who just uses them for sex. Women get off on this shit. Everything you've been taught about respect, love, and equality in relationships is wrong.

I've been in your situation before. Here's how it plays out.

1. You convince her to leave him. She says she's ready
2. You say, ok the first thing we need to do is x. She says "oh wait, I don't want to do x" you argue but she won't budge.
3. Then you go, "okay, if you won't do x, then I guess the next best thing is y." And she says, "yes, right. Absolutely. Except we can't do y." She makes up some bullshit reasons that don't make sense.
4. You repeat this cycle for plans z, a, b, c, until you just throw up your hands and say, "well fuck you then! Apparently you just want to stay and I'm not wasting my time and effort trying to help you then."
5. Then you don't talk for a while, and one day she calls you and asks for your help leaving him. She swears she's really gonna do it this time. Then just repeat steps 1-4.

Good luck trying to have a proper discussion with a woman.

 

[Tuvatuva]

A lot of people now a days (especially with childhood divorce being common or parents hating each other but staying married for the kids sake) have never actually been around or associated with a healthy relationship. As far as they know they have zero clue what healthy is

Has there ever been a time where healthy relationships were the norm? In my parents time, divorce was unthinkable but a husband beating his wife was common.

 

[Alphaboy]

Because psychologically a lot of traits that abusive men have (confidence, assertiveness, strength, risk taking, arrogance) are generally speaking attractive to a good amount of women

In my adult life the women I know that were in abusive relationships all had abuse in their childhood either via toxic relationships in their teenage years or having a terrible home life so that cycle was the only thing they knew.

A lot of people now a days (especially with childhood divorce being common or parents hating each other but staying married for the kids sake) have never actually been around or associated with a healthy relationship. As far as they know they have zero clue what healthy is

It's in women's hypergamous nature. Women want men whom they perceive as high value and one of the ways this is exhibited is in "bad boys." Bad boys don't respect them, they have other chicks, which to a woman's brain means he has options, so therefore he must be high value. Women also get off on emotional stimulation, and the drama from dating bad boys does that. Every chick has at least one (usually more than one) experience with a narcistic, manipulative guy who played games with them and they love that shit as much as they complain about it. The details may change with age and culture, the bad boy could come in the form of a motorcycle riding bad boy, a drug dealer, or high powered stock broker, but it's all the same overarching theme. I had younger women tell me that they like to think of me as an older guy who just uses them for sex. Women get off on this shit. Everything you've been taught about respect, love, and equality in relationships is wrong.



Good luck trying to have a proper discussion with a woman.

You're both right.

 

[Noveltymortar]

I refuse to accept this.

What would a social worker, a psychologist, or a sociologist say about this? This would also be their stance? "Nothing can be done"....

Sorry for being insistent but one has to truly believe that there's always an out to any situation. And or at least a slow and painful small steps that can be taken.

If someone is depressed and suicidal youre just supposed to let them die because they dont want to help themselves?

You cannot fix this and it isn’t your problem. And besides, she had a hand in creating this mess and if she does extricate herself she’ll probably just repeat the cycle.

 

[Alphaboy]

Has there ever been a time where healthy relationships were the norm? In my parents time, divorce was unthinkable but a husband beating his wife was common.

No. Marriage & monogamy is unnatural (coming from a married man trying to be objective). Today it's a ridiculously high divorce rate, due to the enabling by institutional structures.

Before that it was misogynists beating their wives and banging their secretaries Mad Men style... before that, it was dudes selling their daughters for 7 cows.

I can't imagine what the future will bring.

 

[SmilinDesperado]

There's nothing legal to be done.
If she puts "feeling sorry" for a piece of shit, scum bag over the safety and well being of herself and her 5 (tell your friend to get on the pill at least---this POS can't possibly have a good paying job to support a family of 7) kids, there's nothing that can be done.
Can't help people that don't want to be helped, or they pull you down to drown with them.

 

[cincymma79]

Just asking for a friend of a friend.

Let's say this friend of ours is completely trapped in a toxic/abusive relationship with her now husband from their early adulthood. The partner of our friend, is a violent, verbally abusive, toxic person with known mental health issues. Not to justify the partner but he is a person that as a child was in and out of foster care, is an orphan, spent time in juvie and was in and out of prison so carries a lot of trauma which contributes to our friend feeling guilty about leaving them.

Our friend has four kids and is pregnant with #5. She has been out of the workforce for more than a decade, has strained family relationships as they have completely lost faith in her. The family has lost all faith and hope and they now have an estranged relationship, barely communicate.

Now the problem is, how do you help a person that feels so trapped and controlled that sees no way out, what even resources are available? What can be done if anything? She has no family to lie upon and no place to start when it comes of taking care of 5 kids on her own, nor has the courage to believe that the husband won't kill her if she leaves him. What can be done?

Dump all of them from your life. You can tell them why you’re doing it as a Hail Mary attempt of getting them out but fucking cut them out of your life now

 

[fica]

It's in women's hypergamous nature. Women want men whom they perceive as high value and one of the ways this is exhibited is in "bad boys." Bad boys don't respect them, they have other chicks, which to a woman's brain means he has options, so therefore he must be high value. Women also get off on emotional stimulation, and the drama from dating bad boys does that. Every chick has at least one (usually more than one) experience with a narcistic, manipulative guy who played games with them and they love that shit as much as they complain about it. The details may change with age and culture, the bad boy could come in the form of a motorcycle riding bad boy, a drug dealer, or high powered stock broker, but it's all the same overarching theme. I had younger women tell me that they like to think of me as an older guy who just uses them for sex. Women get off on this shit. Everything you've been taught about respect, love, and equality in relationships is wrong.



Good luck trying to have a proper discussion with a woman.

Yes bur before they had options too to go after white knight but that is also fading away for them maybe before they would not get stuck in bad boy cycles because they could get.out.of it and go for so called good guy but even good guys had enough with them

 

[Tuvatuva]

No. Marriage & monogamy is unnatural (coming from a married man trying to be objective). Today it's a ridiculously high divorce rate, due to the enabling by institutional structures.

Before that it was misogynists beating their wives and banging their secretaries Mad Men style... before that, it was dudes selling their daughters for 7 cows.

I can't imagine what the future will bring.

I guess selling their daughters thing still happens in some parts of the world.

Having traveled a lot and being in different cultures, I believe we are stuck in a loop. I've seen women in the east, sick of their traditional roles and misogyny, romanticize the west and how much more free they would be if they meet a western guy and move to the west. I've met western women from extremely progressive societies who complain that their countrymen aren't men anymore and prefer to date men from less progressive cultures. I've met Scandinavian women convert to islam and marry Muslims. Now with social media, we have so much documented examples of how people think.

I grew up thinking society will become more progressive, more egalitarian, less racist and sexist, etc. But our nature is a ceiling to our progress as a species. We should eventually just go back to living in nomadic tribes.

Yes bur before they had options too to go after white knight but that is also fading away for them maybe before they would not get stuck in bad boy cycles because they could get.out.of it and go for so called good guy but even good guys had enough with them

There's always some pathetic simp they can settle with, while wishing they were with someone more "exciting." Women are never happy.

 

[Alphaboy]

OP, I think you are seeing a common theme here. No one here told you "you have to keep trying!"

I am not a pessimist (for the most part), but when everyone is saying something perhaps it is time to consider they may have a point.

 

[SmilinDesperado]

No. Marriage & monogamy is unnatural (coming from a married man trying to be objective). Today it's a ridiculously high divorce rate, due to the enabling by institutional structures.

Before that it was misogynists beating their wives and banging their secretaries Mad Men style... before that, it was dudes selling their daughters for 7 cows.

I can't imagine what the future will bring.

I don't think I've ever really agreed with the argument that marriage/monogamy is unnatural. Seems the opposite to be true. We need people as we get older---who is going to take care of you more than your spouse or child?
Our biology may tell us one thing at certain points, but there's plenty of times throughout the day where we don't simply listen to our biology, and it's largely been to the benefit of ourselves, and our species. (in terms of sexual urges)

It's women that largely initiate the divorces anyways. (and they're the ones that benefit from and need the marriage more) Men are generally fine settling down with one woman that doesn't get on his nerves as we get older. I look at these young skeezers today, and I want no part in these monkey pox and throat goat parties.

 

[fica]

I guess selling their daughters thing still happens in some parts of the world.

Having traveled a lot and being in different cultures, I believe we are stuck in a loop. I've seen women in the east, sick of their traditional roles and misogyny, romanticize the west and how much more free they would be if they meet a western guy and move to the west. I've met western women from extremely progressive societies who complain that their countrymen aren't men anymore and prefer to date men from less progressive cultures. I've met Scandinavian women convert to islam and marry Muslims. Now with social media, we have so much documented examples of how people think.

I grew up thinking society will become more progressive, more egalitarian, less racist and sexist, etc. But our nature is a ceiling to our progress as a species. We should eventually just go back to living in nomadic tribes.


There's always some pathetic simp they can settle with, while wishing they were with someone more "exciting." Women are never happy.

Even simps have standards these days.

 

[west42]

You could offer to support her and her 5 children financially and emotionally for the next 18 years......

Pretty sure that +plus getting laid is what ts is angling for

 

[djacobox372]

She had kids with the guy knowing he's this way. That's her choice. As long as she or the kids aren't physically in danger, you shouldn't get involved. Perhaps find more normal friends.

 

[Ogata]

I guess selling their daughters thing still happens in some parts of the world.

Having traveled a lot and being in different cultures, I believe we are stuck in a loop. I've seen women in the east, sick of their traditional roles and misogyny, romanticize the west and how much more free they would be if they meet a western guy and move to the west. I've met western women from extremely progressive societies who complain that their countrymen aren't men anymore and prefer to date men from less progressive cultures. I've met Scandinavian women convert to islam and marry Muslims. Now with social media, we have so much documented examples of how people think.

I grew up thinking society will become more progressive, more egalitarian, less racist and sexist, etc. But our nature is a ceiling to our progress as a species. We should eventually just go back to living in nomadic tribes.


There's always some pathetic simp they can settle with, while wishing they were with someone more "exciting." Women are never happy.

Yes but I think that even in recent times, even the simp providers are becoming less common because of getting jaded.


Also there are few series or movie that shows a hot young rich successful man in his mid 20s falling in love with some woman in her early 50s.

Western media out here giving older women false hope and so even if they run in to simp providers they will find an ick which is the new buzz term:



Now add the whole passport bro thing and even a simp will travel aboard.

 

[chardog]

Nacho Biz although.............

this works too:

You could offer to support her and her 5 children financially and emotionally for the next 18 years......