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Thoughts on the unwelcome semi-hotness of the Texas senator’s facial hair.
By Christina CauterucciDec. 7, 2018 10:04 PM
https://amp.slate.com/human-interest/2018/12/ted-cruz-beard-is-good.html
"I have no particular fondness for this subject and it brings me no pleasure to cover it. But as a truth-seeking journalist, I feel I must write what follows: Sen. Ted Cruz’s new beard looks great."
"The Texas Republican first appeared in public with traces of facial hair just after Thanksgiving. Back then, the beard was just a shadowy, patchy mess that crept down his throat while wholly avoiding his chin. It looked a bit more professional in better lighting, but it reeked of desperation, too feeble and thin to do anything but serve as a physical manifestation of Cruz’s personality."
"That all changed this week, when Cruz showed up in the Senate with a filled-out salt-and-pepper beard, giving his face a defined jawline and its first-ever hints of ruggedness and affability. The bloated, downy visage of a college debate team showoff is gone. A marginally less insufferable mug has arrived."
"It takes courage to admit that people hate your face, and it’s both sad and heartening to see Cruz do so after years of taunts to that effect."
USA Today, the most boring and benign newspaper on the planet, once headlined a piece, “Why You May Not like Ted Cruz’s Face, According to Science.”
"Cruz’s new beard serves as a proof point for a few aesthetic and economic theories. First: Beards are contouring for men. Men who complain that women who wear a ton of makeup or don sunglasses in their Tinder profile photos are scamming men into thinking they’re hotter than they are had better never grow facial hair, because beards are capable of facial trickery no contouring palette could hope to accomplish."
"Cruz’s new face also proves that the cultural mystique around beards and masculinity runs deep. He was sick of being regarded as a namby-pamby in a state with the country’s biggest hard-on for machismo, but he looked like an absolute idiot every time he tried to hold a gun. With his beard, he looks ever so slightly less like someone whose idea of athleisure is pleated khakis."
"It remains to be seen whether Texas voters will respond to the new, rustic Cruz with greater interest, or if they’ll be angry with their senator for trying to mask his natural tendency to irritate and repulse."
"Unfortunately, he just got elected to a six-year term, so we won’t get hard data for some time—and there’s no guarantee he’ll keep the beard. Maybe by 2024, a Cruz moustache will be up for re-election instead."
I <Lmaoo> many times throughout this article, and knew you guys would like it as well.
Oh, and here's a pic of the writer -
WOOD.
