YOU LAUGH, YOU LOSE - the joke edition

Captain Davis said:
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "excuse me, but do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur"? The rabbit replies, "no". So, the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Click to expand...


A magic genie appears to a rabbit and a bear in the woods. The genie says "I'll grant you each 3 wishes, the bear goes first". The bear thinks for a bit and says, "I wish I were the only male bear in these woods". The rabbit goes next and with no hesitation wishes for a big bag of carrots. The bear goes next and retracts his thought and says "actually, I wish I were the only male bear in the state" so the genie uses his second wish. The rabbit then says "you know what, I wish for a motorcycle", so bam he gets a nice Harley.

The bear then finally says "actually I wish I was the only male bear in the country. The genie then warns the rabbit that this is it and to think wisely. The rabbit then says with almost no thought at all "I wish the bear was gay" and grabs his bag of carrots, hops on his motorcycle and drives off.
 
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XalexinchainsX said:
A magic genie appears to a rabbit and a bear in the woods. The genie says "I'll grant you each 3 wishes, the bear goes first". The bear thinks for a bit and says, "I wish I were the only male bear in these woods". The rabbit goes next and with no hesitation wishes for a big bag of carrots. The bear goes next and retracts his thought and says "actually, I wish I were the only male bear in the state" so the genie uses his second wish. The rabbit then says "you know what, I wish for a motorcycle", so bam he gets a nice Harley.

The bear then finally says "actually I wish I was the only male bear in the country. The genie then warns the rabbit that this is it and to think wisely. The rabbit then says with almost no thought at all "I wish the bear were gay" and grabs his bag of carrots, hops on his motorcycle and drives off.
Click to expand...

Touche, sir.
 
Why don't chickens wear pants?

because their pecker is on their head!
 
Scott Lawlor said:
Three guys go to a ski resort.

The lady at the counter tells them they only have 1 room available, but it's just for one night so they relent and accept the room.

They get to the room and realize there is only 1 bed and 3 of them, it's a big bed though and eventually they agree to just share it, the night was already shitty anyway.

The men go to sleep.

The next morning the men wake up around the same time, the guy on the left is very happy.

Left guy - "Wow, I had the most awesome dream lastnight. I had a dream that some chick was giving me a handjob!"

The guy on the right is shocked and claims he too had the same dream.

Finally, the guy in the middle says "That's weird, I had a dream I was skiing."
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Haha that's great. I lost.
 
What do parrots and Jose Aldo have in common?
They both like to hold onto the cage.


Overeem wants to drive across a country, but he ran out of gas in 30 seconds.
 
Diego Sanchez doesn't get cut during the fight, he gets a stigmata.

Why do Asian fighters lose so often in the UFC?
Because they got a c h I n k in their armours.
 
You don’t always have to choose between sleep and sex. Here, take this pill.


“I wore Old Spice before it was cool.”
- old guy


Chris Brown: Ripping off Michael Jackson’s voice and Joe Jackson’s punching of women.


“Oh look at Mister Fancypants, shopping at the dollar store like he doesn’t have a care in the world!”
- man in 1874


“I have to go do rounds.” Doctor or chubby chaser?


@dangerbin
 
why did the girl fall off the swing?

she had no arms
 
I hope this thread outpaces YLYL in P&M. That thread has become an abomination.
 
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A Brick

Gay couple and a straight couple check into a hotel, which couple checks out first?

Gay couple cause their shit is already packed
 
XalexinchainsX said:
A magic genie appears to a rabbit and a bear in the woods. The genie says "I'll grant you each 3 wishes, the bear goes first". The bear thinks for a bit and says, "I wish I were the only male bear in these woods". The rabbit goes next and with no hesitation wishes for a big bag of carrots. The bear goes next and retracts his thought and says "actually, I wish I were the only male bear in the state" so the genie uses his second wish. The rabbit then says "you know what, I wish for a motorcycle", so bam he gets a nice Harley.

The bear then finally says "actually I wish I was the only male bear in the country. The genie then warns the rabbit that this is it and to think wisely. The rabbit then says with almost no thought at all "I wish the bear was gay" and grabs his bag of carrots, hops on his motorcycle and drives off.
Click to expand...

Reminds me of this..



Thought of another one..

Baby Seal walks into a bar. Slithers up to the stool and looking perplexed the Bartender asks "Hey, uh.. what can I get you?"

Surprisingly, the Seal responds in perfect English and says "Anything, as long as it's not a Canadian Club on the rocks."
 
During renovations at an all female Monastery two new nuns were asked by the head nun to paint the entrance hallway. The two happily oblige and immediately get to work painting the hallway. During the painting one of the nuns gets a small amount of paint on her blouse, after a short discussion the two conclude it will be okay to remove their blouses since there were no men in the building and they were painting the entrance allowing them to control who could enter. So they go back to painting and this time paint gets on one of their skirts, after a brief discussion they remove their skirts and continue painting. This continues until the the two nuns are painting in the nude. (and for the sake of time)

Suddenly there is a knocking at the door, startled they ask, "who is there?"

An old mans voice from the other side of the door responds "it's the blind man".

The nuns quietly converse and decide they can let him in just hiding behind the door while doing. "Since the man can't see he will not know we are painting the hallway in the nude." A plan is hatched

They open the door carefully so they can not be seen by anyone from the outside. An old man slowly steps in wearing a pair of very dark sunglasses and stops. The door is shut and one of the nuns behind the door tells the blind man she is going to take him by the hand and guide him to the pews.

The old man turns around and takes off his glasses and says to the nuns, nice tits, where do you want the curtains?
 
How many Americans does it take to fill the Grand Canyon?

4.
 
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're such a dick when you're drunk."
 
who's more racist? white people or black people?

black people. because they're racist towards other black people-dave chapelle
 
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