Confession that she'll never know (long)

[Luminaire]

Perfect.

Tough Love Works.

 

[Dogstarman]

There's this girl I used to work with 13 years ago. She was deeply in love with me. We worked at a fast food restaurant, i was the manager and she was an employee. I was only 16 or 17 at the time, she was a year younger.

I portayed this fake image of myself, that i was the coolest guy ever, and got with tons of girls, when the reality is, i had never even kissed a girl. This fake self image prevented me from ever being her boyfriend, because i was scared my fake image would be revealed.

Plus i was afraid what other people would think of me being with her. She was cute, but she wasn't a 10, and my ego wouldn't let me go out with a girl that was not a 10, even though i am probably a 5 or 6.

We used to do dumb things kids would do. We would flirt with each other all the time while working, we would work late hours and after i closed the store we would sneak up to the rooftop and smoke weed together.

I can still remember the way she would stare in to my eyes, almost desperate for me to make a move on her which she would willingly accept, but i never did.

Word got around that she was in love with me (her first love). I remember the day i put in my notice to quit. She begged me not to go, she cried, she would have done anything for me to stay.

Being the asshole i was, i didn't even show up for my last shift, and i heard i made some of the staff cry because i was well liked and they were upset i would do that, just leave as if none of them ever meant anything to me. (i had worked there 2 years, which is an eternity at that age).

I was told it had a big effect on her and that it took a long time for her to get over me. Years later i had seen her on a bus. I could tell she was excited to see me. We talked until my stop and it was time to go.

She asked if i wanted to hang out some time, i said yes. She wrote her number down, and i went to take it from her. She pulled her hand back and said, "don't take it if you're never going to call".

I said i would call, But i never did. I lead her on once again.

More years had passed and i saw her working in a store one day. I went to the register and she knew who i was. She was still happy to see me. She instantly recalled our last meeting on the bus and i felt bad. We had a brief conversation but this time we never exchanged numbers.

I had not seen her since that day, until today. I saw her at a store, we were both getting lunch 30mins ago. I was hoping she wouldn't recognize me but she kept staring for about a minute, then she asked if it was me. I told her it was, she asked if i remembered her.

My mind was blank. I knew exactly who she was but i was almost in a shocked state of mind, i could not remember her name. I could see the disappointment on her face and she said "youre breaking my heart".

She told me her name, i felt like an idiot for not being able to remember, because i remember everything about her, everything weve been through over the years. In that moment i just went blank.

She ordered her food and left.

I wanted to tell her the truth but i couldn't. That my issues were the reason we were never together, and that i was sorry for what i put her through. Because the truth is, im not some cool playboy who had tons of girls.

The truth would shock her.

The real truth is that i never met a girl and to this day ive never been on a date or had a girlfriend. As the years went on i became more and more introverted and reclusive. as i got older the insecurity and embarrassment of never meeting a girl caused me to push everyone away. I couldn't imagine having to explain to a girl that i was.. Inexperienced, and reveal my true self.

For this reason ive lived a life of solitude and depression. I rarely go outside and i spend almost all of my time alone except for when i hang out with my one remaining friend.

I almost feel like i subconsciously put myself in this situation for being a terrible person when i was young, punishing myself and living the life i feel like i deserve, i did a lot of bad things as a teenager.

I may never see her again, who knows, she was the only girl who ever has, and probably ever will love me, and i treated her terribly.

I just wanted to tell her the truth because she deserved it. Its been 13 years since we met, maybe it doesn't even matter anymore, yet still when i look in her eyes i see the same girl i let down all those years ago. I see something in her eyes everytime i see her, its like what could have been if you had just given me a chance.

I know she will always remember me, but she will never know the truth about the whole situation. The personal problems and issues i had that prevented us from being together, and the path it has led me down to this day.

Im sure people will say im a loser, poor and gay or whatever, but i
Just needed to get that off my chest.

I feel bad for you dude. Personally I think you need to seek professional help. I don't think you are a pussy or gay or anything like that. You have anxiety issues and you need to get them sorted. Maybe if you after you seek help, and you see the love of your life, Again, you can be honest with her about it. I am serious dude.

 

[Genki Sudo II]

i was thinking the same thing cept no ending=no story. either TS somehow overcomes this/ask her out and they live happily ever after, or TS asks her out but realizes it was too late & she found some1 else & TS gets his heart broken. or best of all she rejects him & many years later find out she really truly loves him& they get married when theyre really old living happily ever after (shut the hell up sherdog. im a romantic on the inside no homo)

i know these endings sound cliche but without any concrete resolution, the story will have a strange abrupt ending on sherdog XD

TS needs a resolution e.g. man up, apologize, get on with life, see a therapist, hook up, finalize your love, anything other than this sad (pathetic) state. I don't know what it is but it's actually irking me.

 

[CatchOmega]

What have you done that's so terrible that would make you scared to see a therapist?

Short of being a serial killer or a violent pedophile, I can't see why you're so scared. These people are professionals and have heard it all.

Your issues, much like the impact you think you left on this girl, are probably vastly overblown.

 

[Genki Sudo II]

What have you done that's so terrible that would make you scared to see a therapist?

Short of being a serial killer or a violent pedophile, I can't see why you're so scared. These people are professionals and have heard it all.

Your issues, much like the impact you think you left on this girl, are probably vastly overblown.

Good point. Maybe she's fine and TS came out the worse for wear internally because of how he treated her. The anguished anti-hero if you will.

 

[Cayenne]

Thanks. Im used to negative comments on sherdog at this point.

I can't see a therapist. Too much shit i would have to reveal. Too many problems. Nobody knows my problems, not my friend, my family, nobody. Im an expert at hiding myself, you would never guess in a million years im so messed up. I come across as a very normal happy straight forward person, but its just an act.

I seem to only be able to reveal myself online. Because nobody can see me. Even still, ive done this many times, and i feel stupid after, and i disappear and make a new name. Ive been on sd since 2006, vent on a name after awhile, and disappear after. Even when nobody knows who i am, i still take extreme measures to hide myself.

If i was to tell someone my problems and feelings irl, i cant disappear after. I can't just change my name and become someone else.

Im not even looking for advice really but i appreciate it. I don't think i can be helped, because im not strong enough to help myself. Just venting.

Sometimes just admitting you have a problem is a big step. Focus on that first. Sit someone down you know you can trust and tell them, it's only a few sentences. After talking about it once it will become easier.

 

[vcmmafan]

Tl dr?

 

[The Clinch]

You just need to spill the beans to her and take it from there. Hell, hit her up on facebook if you're not good with the face to face shit. Be fuckin' honest though bro, not some bumbling goof.

The truth will set you free.

Ps: obligatory "youre a loser, poor and gay or whatever".

Seriously, hit her up. Hell, repost all the shit you said in the OP and VroomyJeeps might be making some CreemyJeans.

 

[Hearse Lightning]

The good thing is the constant rejection by you probably only made her fall stronger for you. However you seem determined to never act so it's a real catch 22 if you don't change that.

 

[VroomyJeeps]

Good news. Im not a serial killer or a pedophile. I still can't see someone. A therapist would not be able to help me imo, and to be perfectly honest im already pretty aware of what solutions they might offer, some of the same solutions that have been offered here, only verbalized.

I don't even really need solutions. I know certain steps i could take to improve my situation, i just can't take them.

For me having to go on a date with someone would be the equivalent of having a gun to my head, though i would probably be less scared with a gun to my head.

Besides, ive dissected my personality and tried to analyze myself from an unbiased perspective, im not sure there is much a therapist could tell me that i dont already know about myself. Again im not oblivious to my problems and even to an extent understand why i am the way i am.

Anyways. Im feeling slightly better for now

 

[CatchOmega]

Good point. Maybe she's fine and TS came out the worse for wear internally because of how he treated her. The anguished anti-hero if you will.

I don't know. I'm starting to feel that ts may actually be a legitimate serial killer.

 

[45ACP]

sherdog intervention?

Where do you live TS?

 

[theskza]

Don't tell us. We're a bunch of jerks. Tell her.

 

[The Clinch]

Also, I have a psych degree brah, and almost a religious studies degree, so if there is some understandin' to understand I understand you may need to make a move on this gal. Understand?

Unless you really don't want to. Then don't.

 

[Te Huna Matata]

I'll be as nice and as delicate as I can be here (I'm an asshole)

You're obviously understanding your issues and you obviously are at odds with them. If you're ever going to overcome them, you have to make the move and put yourself in positions to do so. You have a perfect opportunity to improve your overall quality of life. She still has feelings for you in spite of the fact that you treated her like shit. She doesn't care about your image or your persona. She just cares about YOU. We all did dumb things like that when we were young. We all portrayed caricatures in some ways. Do yourself a favor and call this girl. You're on pace to die scared and alone and it sounds like you're coming to terms with that but you would rather not. No one can make it happen but you.

Godspeed

 

[pookiyama]

You think that those two facts are separate. That you never connected with someone because you chose to focus on your image, and that you are unhappy now. But they are mutually inclusive.

Truth be told, the reason you two have a positive relationship to this day is probably because of the way it happened. You don't owe her anything. You just tell yourself that because it will make you feel better if she knows how you feel.

 

[VroomyJeeps]

Also, I have a psych degree brah, and almost a religious studies degree, so if there is some understandin' to understand I understand you may need to make a move on this gal. Understand?

Unless you really don't want to. Then don't.

Me after Reading this reply

-__________-

 

[Minnja]

Dayum TS. That's some intense form of social anxiety and shyness. I feel like I'm a little bit similar to you but not to that extreme. Sometimes you just gotta #yolo and ask the girl out. Who cares if she thinks you're a weirdo and liar, it's not like it'll make the situation any worse than it is now

 

[The Clinch]

Me after Reading this reply

-__________-

Seriously dude, see if she's on social media.. And send her a message if you lament your actions.

What do you have to lose? You could make this gal's day... Could very well make yours.

And something may come out of it? Maybe nothing will.

Give it a shot.

 

[fightingrabbit]

You sound poor.