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- Sep 3, 2009
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Dude, she sounded fucking crazy.It's been almost three months since I called off my engagement, and I regret it more and more each day. While I am not going to bore you all with the details of what happened, my (ex) girlfriend and I were going through a difficult time - we went to India together and basically fought none stop, and when we got back, I gave up. She had proposed going to relationship counciling, but in that moment, I thought we were just two different people (we loved each other, but we didn't see eye to eye on alot of issues).
In a twisted way, I rationalized it at the time that she deserved somebody who could be the man she wanted - I was obsessed with work and lived a life of routine, she prioritized balance and being adventerous.
Fast forward to now, and I am going stir crazy without her. A couple of weeks back, I caved and asked for a second chance, and she told me she needed "time and space" to make a decision - I don't think that bodes well. Truthfully, I am trying to accept the fact I can't change the situation, and just work on the things I know I struggle with in relationships.
Tonight was actually really difficult - I was out with friends, and there were a number of single woman in the group, and I honestly couldn't even fathom the thought of being with anyone else (or worse yet, think of her with another guy).
This fucking sucks. I'm 33 years old, and I'm acting like a teenager. I would give up almost anything for a second chance, but I know there isn't anything I can do to affect the situation.
I don't know why I'm sharing this, but I suppose the anonymity of the Internet makes it easier to get this off of my chest.
She got hyper emotional because you bought her a gift and was pissed at you because you gave them her shipping address if I remember correctly because it could possibly "inconvenience her" because she wanted it shipped to whatever Hotel in another country you were visiting instead.
You made plans for "in the event they cannot ship it on time", covering your bases to get her a gift and she lost it like an emotional lunatic because she is controlling and wants you to follow her instructions to the letter so it does not inconvenience her(Even though it inconveniences you, that seems ok with her).
She is also 10 years older than you and you are mid 30's. You should be trying to bang young hot girls if you are willing to put up with irrational and moody shit. At least they have tight bods to make up for their irrational shit and they are not entering menopause like she is.
And you gave us an update too
Cliffs:
Update (Warning, Long post):
After calling and apologizing, we get together on Saturday. It starts well, we have always enjoyed each other's company, and we spent the day running errands, but having a good time. However, it all started to unravel when I purchased her a piece of flan (the cake).
I buy the flan and put it in the back of the car. I guess I didn't put the bag down properly, and the syrup from the flan leaks out of the box and onto the container. She starts going off on me, and says that I should be more observant. I let it go and laugh it off.
We go back to my place where she immediately starts to complain about me not putting away my dishes. Keep in mind that we don't live together. Once again, I laugh it off and try to make a joke about being a man child. Admittedly, I should have probably been contrite, but I genuinely didn't think it was a big deal. She starts getting moody and says that she can't see herself living with someone who needs to be constantly reminded to do small domestic duties. She calms down, and we start dinner.
While I'm not going to go into ever detail, over the duration of a 30 minute meal, she told me what I could and couldn't eat, how to position a fork in my plate, and complained about the way I took the cover off of the salad (there is apparently a right and wrong way). In all fairness to her, I suppose I should know these things, but I felt like I was being nagged to death. She even went so far as ordering me to get a piece of paper and write down the cleaning supplies I needed. I still bite my tongue and concede that I am not a particularly functional adult.
Later in the evening, I go to make a move and she says she isn't in the mood because of my man-child behavior. I actually didn't mind and don't presume that my partner will always be in the mood, so we are just sort of lying down on the couch together. She changes her mind 30min later and we start to fool around. As we are kissing, she notices that I still have gum in my mouth and she freaks out. She literally starts yelling at me and tells me to go spit it out and brush my teeth (keep in mind that I am 32 years old and work as a university professor, yet I am being ordered around like a child).
At this point, I have concluded that I can't live like this. I am genuinely starting to dislike her, and I would rather part on good terms while there is still mutual respect and love. I tell her that I am worried I don't think I can change fast enough to meet her expectations of what a partner should be, and that I don't think we are compatible. She starts crying and begging forgiveness, and promises to change.
The thing is, I don't think she should have to change - her expectations of what a man should be are not unrealistic and I genuinely just fall short. I love her and treat her well, but I know we will end up hating one another because we fundamentally value different things in a relationship. For me, it isn't a big deal to have dirty dishes in the sink, but for her it is. I would have hoped she would be more understanding given that I am good at the grand gestures of love - I surprise her gifts, hold open the car door, plan romantic get-aways etc. But life is more than just grand gestures, it is mostly the small day to day stuff.
I feel awful in the sense she is devastated. She told me that she feels like was her last chance at finding love and having a family, and we really do have an amazing time together 99% of the time. However, I also feel a tremendous sense of relief - I was being controlled (from the way I ate/dressed, all the way to the point of telling me to stop bodybuilding). I would rather be an eccentric solitary scientist than be in a relationship where I lost my sense of identity.
Many thanks for the advice everyone. I will try and be less emo in the future.
You running back to her now was absolutely the wrong thing to do. If anything you should have called to "check up" on her if you were interested and seen if she wanted a Coffee. You NEVER let them know you miss them romantically. Now she knows you want to get back together with her and women being women, will try to gain the high ground so she can control you more if she is interested at all.